If I Knew Then What I Know Now. A Note To My High school Self (with diary excerpts) (#TheSW30) Day 18

Today’s blogging challenge is to look back and have a conversation with my highschool self.  It is very fortunate for me that I have a very “normal” highschool life.  I was very focused, kept my grades up, planned to go to college, and I had all my life planned out.  I was a very intense highschooler.


Even though I was moderately popular I guess you could say, I was still a little weird, and sometimes an outsider among my friends.  I think back then it used to bother me.  My friends in high school were having sex, really into boys, and doing things that I was very afraid to do.  I just was not that extroverted.  There was a time that I used to resent the way I was.

I find it  funny, because I think it was just meant for me to be a a writer.  I maintained  a dairy from the time I was in highschool until about my first year of college.  And I I saved them.

It amazing me how I write about being called stuck up by the boys in highschool because of my unwillingness to be loose.  And so I wrote this poem at 15 years old to express just how I saw others:

My Poem At age 15. 

This is coming from a friend, I must let you know. 
That Girlfriend You are a Hoe. 
The reason why boys want to tap that a**. 
Is because you do not want the relationship to last. 
They will dis you in public, and think nothing of it. 
And they have you thinking you are all that, when you are just a used up piece of trash. 
You give it up too soon. 
Then they turn, laugh, and call you a fool.  
So what you think they’ll leave their girlfriend for you?
You are just a little tramp they will run to and use. 
No one likes you and talks behind your back. 
And you best believe it girl, that is a fact. 
And just because they act like they want you now,
You wait to other people come around. 
Now you suck his d*** and let him work it all night. 
But other people are calling you a hoe, and you know what? They are right. 

It amazes me how much sense my 15 years old self had.  It seemed like my 15 years old self had more sense that my young 20 year old self.  Because somewhere along the lines I would start to date men that were not good for me and get into bad relationships.  It would seem as if my 15 years old self would need to come back and talk to my young 20 something years old self.  I can recall that when I was in my late teens and early 20’s is the time in which I started going crazy for no reason what so ever.  And my 15 years old self may have been on to something.  If I had remembered this poem, I may have not gotten into a lot of the relationships that I got myself into.

And then I come across another poem that I wrote when I was 16.  It gives an idea that I am the same type of person, even 14 years later.  So determined to finished.  Feeling that I was behind the race when in fact I wasn’t, and beating myself up over the fact that I was not perfect.

Poem Age 16 

I am so confused and isolated inside. 
I feel so lost and it is hard to say why. 
I am in a not in a strange place driving, but it still feels like I’m striving
To get where I want to go. 
But sometimes it seems like I am moving too slow. 
I am trapped and 4 walls are closing in on me. 
I feel I have no friends and all of them are my enemies. 
Their pulling me in all directions, and I hear their words of rejections. 
That is leading down the wrong road, but I keep strong and stay bold.  
There is one thing that I do know, I am going everywhere, but where I want to go. 

When reading this I was a very intense teenager.  I cannot help but to laugh at the theatrics as well as the similarities to myself now.

I think God can speak to people at such a young age.  When you have a calling on your life, God will call out from whatever age you are ready to hear it.  I still feel like I am going slow sometimes.  I still feel like I am not moving toward my destination fast enough, but when I look back on all the things that I have accomplished in my 30 years of living, I realize that this is not true.

I am on the path God created me to be on.  I was also on the right path then.  I would tell my self self more than anything, that it is okay.  I am going to be okay.  I would tell myself not to be afraid to be weird, stand out, or not to get upset because I do not conform to others peoples’s idea of how I am supposed to act.

I learned this lesson as an adult, and it seemed that once I did, I was okay with being me.  But before this time as seen in the second poem, I would beat myself up for reasons I could not put my finger on.  And it was because I was trying to be of the world and not outside of it, and so I felt frustration, because I felt the need to conform to those around me, but also felt the need to be me.

If I could talk to myself back then, I would say.

“You are a star, and you are beautiful.  Who cares if you are dark skinned and you do not fit into the stereotypical view of beauty? Who cares that your mind works different and other people do not understand you? Who cares if you have dreams to go above and beyond what anyone can imagine?  And who cares if you do not want to run around with boys and have sex with them at 15 years old?  It’s okay. Be you, and shine bright like stars were meant to do.”

I would give myself, the self esteem that I needed.  Being an African American female, who has a shapely figure, and who is dark was not always seen as beautiful; I struggled with myself a lot.  If anything I would instill in my head that God created me for a reason.  God does not make mistakes and I am and look exactly the way I am suppose to.  I would tell myself to deal with it and accept it.  If I had known that, I would have saved myself a lot of internal struggle and my need for validation from men in the late teens and early 20’s.

Since I cannot talk to my younger self, I talk to my son all the time.  He is weird like me, and I let him know that not only is this okay, but it is a beautiful thing to stand out.

(Click here and here on my other blogs on being unique and standing out).

This I hope will help him avoid some of the internal struggle I faced as a teen and help him grow into a successful  adults.

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How Does your Beliefs Play A Part In Who You Will Marry? (#TheSW30) Day 17

https://sophie-sticatedmom.com/

I was brought up as a Christian and considered myself to be a Christian all of my life.  I can openly admit that me being a Christian has not always played a factor in who I chose to date, and I can also openly say that I have paid the consequences for that.

I have dated men that were what I call “surface” Christians or those who say they are Christians but do not open their Bible, have no idea what the word of God says, and even if they did; they had no plan in following it.  I have dated those who said that they were not Christian and those who did not really believe in anything in particular.  And I can tell you exactly where this got me.  No where.  It got me with a bunch of men who cheat, lie, steal, want to be with other women, and who disrespect me.

It was not until I continued to make the same mistakes over and over again, with the same type of men that something clicked in my brain and told me that I was doing something wrong.  Relationships are not supposed to be all about me getting hurt and the man doing whatever he wants to do.

I once heard Steve Harvey say something very interesting.  “If a man does not believe in God, then what tells them how to be in a relationships.”

Meaning, how do they know not to cheat? Not to hit or abuse their woman?  How do they know how to be a man?


If you read my blog here on Boaz versus the men of today, Boaz was a man of God and because he was a man of God he treated Ruth like gold.  Even though I love the book of Esther, the king was not a godly man, and even though he loved Esther he still had many concubines that I am sure he would have sex with regularly while married to Esther.  In fact, when Esther was considering to go before the king uninvited she said

“But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king." Esther 4:11

Now I know the king had to be having sex with someone if he was not having sex with his wife, in order for him not to see her for all that time.  But the king was not a Jew nor was he a Christian.  What he was doing was perfectly acceptable  according to his culture.

And that is how I see men who do not believe in God.  Not only is this how I see them, but this is what I have experienced.  The Bible teaches us

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14


(click here for my blog on unequally yoked partners)

This may sound harsh, but I believe that God did not want Christians to get with unbelievers for a reason.  For us Christians we believe in a hierarchy in marriage.  This includes a man having a direct line to God; and if the man is connected to God then he is therefore leading his wife and family into a place that God wants them to be.

For a man that does not know God, he will lead his family into a path of chaos and anarchy and do things that will only be beneficial for him. And this of course would be problematic for the wife.

Let’s take a real life example.  I have a friend who is married to a man. She is a Christian and he is an atheist.  She knew he did not believe in God when she married him.  During the course of their 5 year marriage he has cheated on her with many women, given her an STD, and has come out as a sex addict.  They have been to counseling through her pastor and he still has not changed.  Why would he?  He does not not believe in God, therefore why would he listen to a man of God?

Why would he see anything wrong with committing adultery?  He is going to do whatever he feels is good for him, including banging out other women and having an illegitimate child out of wedlock (which he also did).

Let’s take my situation (you can read more about it here and here).  My son’s father stated that he believed in a God but really had no defined religion that he followed.  I knew this and went with it, because I found him attractive.  As an end result when my son was 4 weeks old, his father went to prison for grand larceny where he would spend the next 6 years.  During which time that I found out that he was married and he left his wife, for some reason or another while she was pregnant.

And to top it all off, he sees no problems with what he did or the actions that he took. He feels completely justified in his actions.  This is because he did not know God.  Because if he did, God would tell him all about his nonsense and how jacked up it was.  And how jacked up it still is.  And now because I could not look for the right characteristics in a man, I am stuck in a crazy situation for the rest of my life.

This is just one minor example of why I now want a Christian man over just any man.  Because I want someone I can pray with.  I want someone that when I am having a hard time in my marriage to be able to go to God on, and God will be able to speak to him for me.  That would be very hard to do if they did not know God or did not want to listen to God.

In a marriage, God is the only person we can run too on our partner when they are tripping out.  Even more so, I will have more trust and confidence in my future husband if I know that he opens up the Bible, reads it, and actually follows what it says.

I can recall dating a man that was Muslim.  And he was very nice honestly, but our belief system was not the same.  The way we wanted to raise our kids were not the same.  The way we wanted his wife to behave was not the same.  I did not feel the need to cover my head, my arms, legs, or any of that.  And even though he wanted to get married, I knew we would have a major disconnect once we were together and I would have not been happy. I was not going to his Mosque, and he was not accepting my Jesus as his Lord and savior.

Can you see how this could problematic?

So no matter how nice he was, I had to let go.  Why waste time on something I knew was not going to work.  Why go with a man that did not believe in something that was so near and dear to me, and that is Jesus.

Going forward when I find that man, or better yet he finds me (click for my blog on letting a man find you), I know that I want him to be a true man of MY God first and foremost.  I am Waiting For a Man After God’s Own Heart (title of my book) or better yet one that has captured it already.  Because I know that if he is after God, then he will lead our family to greatness and not to the path of damnation.  I know that my son and future children will be able to look up to this man and say “ I want to be like him” or “ I want to grow up and marry a man like him.”

I want a man who prays, who reads his Bible, who know’s God, and who will love his wife like Christ loved the Church.  Not a man that sees me as dispensable for whenever the next hottest thing comes along.  Because you see that is where worldly men will get you.  May sound harsh, but it is true.  Learn from my experiences.

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Free is Always Better When It Comes To Fashion.

This past week I was with a friend and she told me of a place that was giving away free clothes.  I agreed to go with my friend but since my friend was not really the fashion type I did not expect to find any clothing that I would be interested in.

But I was wrong.  The place that was giving away free clothing was in the nice side of town.  It is true what they say is that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.  The clothing that they were giving away was clothing that I would wear now.  Since the weather is changing I focused more on getting clothing that was good in the cold.  That is why I got three sweaters and this thick skirt.  Imagine my surprise when I looked at the tag on the skirt and found that it was Ralph Lauren.

As for shoes, I can never pass up a good pair of shoes.  It really did not matter if the shoes were for the winter or not, I picked up the three pairs of shoes that I liked.  The blue pair of shoes were from the gap.

Just when I thought I was done, I went over to the purse section.  Lord knows that I really do not need another purse, but this purse was a clutch.  It was a whole different type of purse than what I normally get, since I typically get these huge bags.  I felt that I needed a smaller bag, especially since it went to well with one of the pairs of shoes that I picked up.

Overall I have no complaints.  The total amount of money that I spend was $0.  The place was kinda of far and since gas is so expensive I guess I could count that as apart of my expenses, but overall I think I made out like a bandit.  I could have also gotten more clothing, but I did not want to look all greedy.  Since the clothing was free I wanted to leave some for other people who may come and not walk out with a whole trash bag full of clothing.  But the trip was well worth it and a pleasant surprise.

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Envision Your Future. (#TheSW30) Day 16

For some reason or another God made me one of those super ambitious people.  I think I have way too many dreams for my own good and who knows if I would ever achieve all of them.  What I do know is that I will be running full speed until I can’t go anymore to get where I want to be.

Today’s blogging challenge poses the question if I were to open a time capsule in 20 years where would I be?  Seeing as how I am 30 years old now in 20 years I would be 50.  That is actually kind of scary to think about.

First I would hope that I would still look decent and be in my right mind.  It may sound vein, but I mine as well be honest.

Seeing as how I am in the last stages of my PhD and obtaining licensure as a therapist, I imagine that my official title would Dr. Sophia (Husband’s last name) LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist).

I of course have so many opinions on relationships, women, parenting, Christianity, and I would have hope to accomplish my life long dream of sharing my wisdom to the masses.  I would hope to have an award winning blog in which I travel all around the world, talking about the things that I love.  And of course since I will be married, he too will share my passion.  We would go about the world talking about our marriage and how we have successfully navigated though all the material problems teaching others do to do so as well.  I want to be the best selling author of multiple books and have my own talk show that talks about the importance of maintaining positive marriage and families.

( Sound picture perfect doesn't it). 

Now as for my family.  I would like to have a big family, about four or five children.  Since I already have a son, my son would be 26 by then.  It would be my hope that he is successful in whatever he is doing and that does not become one of these men that try to dog out women, but a true gentlemen that would make any woman happy.  I hope that he has a wonderful career and is not wondering around aimlessly through life.

As for my other children, I hope all of these would be doing something productive as well.  This could be college, ministry, or whatever.  As long as they are not burdens on me or society.  I also hope that all of them will maintain their Christianity and grow up to be true men and women of God.

Now let’s get down to my husband.  I want him to be attractive, still have a nice body, a career, and still be in love with me the same as the first day that he married me.  I want a huge home with a lot of land, a lake, and have family get together night once a week.

Are you laughing yet? 

I know you are probably thinking that I am living in lala land.  But so what.  Who says that I cannot have any and everything that I want to achieve, and even if I do not get it at least I can try right?

I personally feel if you have no direct vision for the future or where you want to go, then you will be pretty much working toward nothing nor will you be going anywhere in particular.  So what if things do not turn out exactly like the way I just mentioned, at least I have a general idea of where I want to go and what I want to do.

With this vision I have an idea of the type of man that I want to marry.  I want someone in which I feel we can achieve goals and fulfill our life purpose together.  If I did not have a vision for my future relationship then I am likely to just fall for any type of man.  One that does not want the same things that I want, and then I would be frustrated (click here for my blog on the importance of having an equally yoked partner).

I also think that it is important to have a vision for my children.  If I didn't then how  on Earth would  I know how to train them up.  With my son now, I put the same values in him that I want him to keep as a grown man.

I was speaking to a male friend the other day who has a 19 year son.  Sad to say he has not been involved in his child’s life or took an active role in guiding and directing his son.  In fact, no one in his family did.

Because of this the boy has had legal trouble and is wondering around life aimless.  My friend response was that his son was an adult and he could do what he wanted.  In a way this is true, but as parents it is our job to teach them to desire the right things out of life and to go after them.  If children are born into this world and we leave it up to them to raise themselves, then no telling where they would be.  That is probably why we have all these half disrespectful children and hoodlums running around today.  Because parents do no want to guide their children and give them the freedom to “find themselves,” which is why we have little misfits running around.

That was along tangent, but I wanted to explain my picture perfect time capsule in 20 years.  I feel that one of the wonderful things that God has given us, is imagination.  We have the ability to see and dream things.  We have the ability to put ourselves in those visions and see where we want ourselves to go.

I feel that if you can dream it then you can achieve it, but first you have to have a dream that you get a chance to work toward achieving.  Like the famous South Pacific quote from the song Happy Talk Says:

“ You gotta have a dream, if you don't have a dream, How you gonna have a dream come true?”


Such a children song with a message that we all can learn from.  Have a dream.  Dream big.  Who knows if it will come true exactly the way you like, but at least if anything you will have something that you are working toward, if by chance everything does not work out as planned, at least you know that you are going in right direction.

But if you are standing in one spot and do not know which direction you want to go, then you are not really going anywhere in particular.  Letting life pass you by.

So while my 20 years time capsule may sound cliche, at least I know what I want and I am putting in the work to get there.  I encourage everyone to give themselves a vision.  Get detailed with it, think about it, and think about how you want it to go about it.  And then worked toward it.

There are so many times that I have had to change and re-evaluate my vision.  There was a time that my vision did not look like it did or I did not have a vision.  But as I get to know myself and what I want, I change my vision and it gets clearer.  I am also able to work with God on my vision and He is able to direct my steps and tell me where He wants me to do.

Dare to dream, and dare to dream big.  Do not let anyone let anyone tell you, your dreams are too out there or too big.  They were given to you for a reason, try to reach them or exhaust yourself trying.

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Leave Those Past Relationships Behind You.

Maybe it is the change in the weather and people want to cuddle up, but it seems as if past men that I have dated have been popping out of the wood works.  This may seem flattering to some people but not to me.  I could see if these men were men where the relationships were wonderful and somehow we just got disconnected.  But it is the opposite.  These relationships were terrible.  Full of hurt, fighting, pain, sadness, and all the rest of it.

One question remains on my mind, what gives them the right to think they can just pop back into my life and think that it is okay?

Granted, I am a very forgiving person.  But being forgiving is a far cry from putting myself in a position to be their fool over and over again.  Me being nice does not have to equal me being dumb.

Let’s give a run down of each man just so you can feel my pain.

Contestant number 1: He is a cheater.  When we were together he thought it was my duty to be his mother and take care of him.  He took advantage in any and every way possible.  Although he is nice, he is a far cry from any man that I would ever see myself with.  Despite his age, he is still living the life of a 19 year old.  This consist of partying, having sex with many women, and doing drugs. Contestant number 1 somehow feels that I should be falling all over myself in order to be with him, because he gives the appearance of a good man.

Contestant number 2: Is also a cheater.  He does not want to take personal responsibility for anything that he does.  He feels that the world and women owes him something. And hey, who could blame him, he has woman after woman falling on top of him despite the fact that he is disrespectful toward women, does not want to settle down in any real relationships, jumps from woman to woman, does not take care of any of his children and is completely and utterly self absorb.  This man feels like the world revolves around him.  If it is not about him then it does not matter. Despite him being close to 40, he wants to party all the time with college aged people and does not seem to realize not only is he close to middle age, BUT he is too old to be going about life the way that he goes about life.  And why should he, he has dysfunctional family and friends that support his wreck-less lifestyle.

Last but no least, there is..........

Contestant number  3: He is the oldest out of them all.  He too is a womanizer.  When we were together his idea of a date was going somewhere, not ordering any food, so that he could have an excuse not to pay for anything.  Despite this man making a fair amount of money, he is very cheap.  This man is middle aged, and like contestant number 2 cannot seem to grow up.  His life consists of partying, finding new women, and not understanding that he is way to old to do what he does.  Instead of finding a purpose or doing something meaningful he repeats the same pattern.  Find a women, have sex with her, dump hers, then repeat.

As these men contact me I am sure they are thinking to themselves, why I am not falling all over myself to be with them.  Despite the fact that they are complete and utter losers.  It would seem that they are so many losers in men these days, that even having a minimal amount of effort gives the appearance that your actually a good man.

Well not in my terms, I have been there, and most certainly done that.

To be fair all of these man are very attractive, I am visual and a good looking man can go very far in my book.  But, I have learn from all of these contestants, that perhaps it is time to go a little deeper than that.  And in the past, they may have been able to trick me once, but they are certainly not going to be able to trick me twice.

Sometimes it is just best to leave the past in the past.  The ship has sailed with all of these men....down the river, never to be seen or heard from again.

I think this problem is something that women continuously have.  It would seem that some women revisit men that are not good for them, thinking that magically something has changed.  I can say, with contestant #1 that briefly happened.  But it only took a matter of a week from reconnecting with him again to see that some things never changed.

It took for me to grow for me to understand that I deserve way better than what these men were offering me.  After all, I have the best father of all.  My father is a King, my father is GOD!.  So I am royalty in my book.  A princess, and therefore I deserve to be treated as such.  If they cannot see or understand that, then they are not it.  It took me having a long talk with my father (God) to finally understand that. But now that I do, there really is no going back.

Are you a women that have your own contestants and allowing men of the past to cause you stress and hard ache?  Well STOP! You have the power to control who is not in your life and who is.  There is nothing wrong with cutting people off to stop them from hurting you.  It is okay to be selfish (see my blog here).  You do not have to allow people to emotionally abuse you, just because you want to nice, or you do not want to be lonely, or because you are 30 plus and do not have a man.

I have come to learn that having no man is 100% better than having a man that hurts you, screams on you, disrespects you, does not consider your feelings, or cheats on you.   It better to be alone and heal then be in a relationship and cry everyday because the other person is not meeting your expectations.

As the old saying goes “ I can do bad all by myself” I do not need some other person that is doing bad to add to my already hectic life.  It makes no sense.  And the sad thing about all these contestants, is they have more than one woman falling over themselves to be with them.  And it really is pathetic and sad for them.  Perhaps some of you are women who are settling to be women number 2 through 100. I used to be one too.  But now I am way to old and way to tired to deal with nonsense.  When you get tired of dysfunction, that is when you will stop going into relationships with the same people who cause you pain.  Sometimes it really is better to leave the past behind you.

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