Saturday, August 2, 2014

Letting Go of Grudges, A True Story

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If you do not now about my single mother story you can read it here.  But there are some more things I want to add onto it.  The main reason why I want to point this out is because I want to outline the important of forgive and letting go.

Of course I have said many times on this blog that my son’s father is or was incarcerated (read blog here).  I kind of gloss over the things that went on between him and I during those six years of incarceration.

Whenever I mentioned how far I have come since then and now, I gloss over how much drama and how hard it was.

After my son was born his father denied him.  I filed for child support but the agency could not find him because he moved and did not tell me where he lived.  The child support agency caught up with him and this is where he requested a DNA test.

I am not going to lie.  I was highly offended.  It is nothing like standing in front of a judge, lawyers, and going to a lab to have you and your son’s mouth swabbed for DNA.  It was really embarrassing to imagine what people think about you when you are put in those types of situations.

I would love to say that within a week our DNA results were back and everything was all hunky doorey.  Far from, to collect DNA from all three of us, court, and the results took a whole year.

Once the confirmation came in, his father said he was going to face responsibility and he tried, I guess you can say.  For Christmas he had a donation based gift sent to our son from a church.  The paperwork that came with the gift gave a list of other people who he had sent one too.  His other two children which I knew about, and a women, that was listed as his wife!

I had always been the type of person who said I would not have sex with another man’s husband. I think this is another prime example that what played apart in my decision to stop having sex until marriage ( see my blog here).  But I unknowingly had sex with someone else’s husband (even though they were separated) and this was one of the things that bothered me the most, especially as a Christian.  This was not even the worse part. His wife did not want him involved in my son’s life.

He made it clear that his son with her was priority and that our son was secondary.  I also found out while I was pregnant and he was incarcerated, he had a girlfriend. He begin to say that she could visit over having his son visit.  I would make the two hour drive and would be left with the possibility of having to leave because he had another visitor.

Arguments when back and forth about this. This went on for three years! And then, I got tired.

The main point I want to relay in this blog is sometimes you really just have to let go.  Because holding on and trying to make people do or be what you want them to do or be can lead you into insanity.  I really was on the brink of insanity about this whole situation.

Once I got my head on straight, and not having to always argue all the time about one thing or the next, I had to forgive. I had to forgive my son’s father for not being there when I was pregnant, when I had him, not being on the birth certificate, for being locked up, for being married, and for treating me the way he treated me.

And most importantly I had to take responsibility for my actions in the process.  I was not an angel all the time and I played apart in the way that things had panned out.  Mostly from refusing to let go.

Once I really did this I felt great.  For the rest of the three years his father would write him, draw pictures (because he draws really well in fact he drew my book cover while he was locked up), and call sometimes. And it wasn’t because I was forcing him either. I did not write back and if he caught me on the phone so be it and if he didn’t it was fine to.

And my son’s father began to step up on his own without me pushing and pulling him.  The reason why I felt so compelled to speak about this is because his first day out was yesterday.  I did not know know how it would go, I did not want a repeat of the drama filled baby mama/  baby daddy nonsense.

When I first spoke to him, I could tell that he did not want that either.  It is not that we openly said it, but the fact of the matter is, who has time to argue all the time?  I am getting way too old for that?

The point I am trying to make is when you truly let go of a situation it should not continue to haunt you and you should not continuously be filled with drama and none-sense.  How many of us always stay mad at someone for years and years and bring up the same issues time and time again.  How much of your life has been wasted on hating someone? Who has time for all of that?

I mentioned my situation because I wanted people to see that sometimes we have every reason to be mad.  But if we stay mad at someone the only person it is going to affect is you because 9 times out of 10 they do not care. My situation could have went differently, I could be in the same space arguing over things that I cannot control.  But I got out of it and have a peace of mind because of it.

Therefore, this is what I encourage everyone to do.  Do not hold grudges for years, months, or weeks about things you cannot change any way.  Make sense.