Thursday, April 30, 2015

What About Your Friends? Letting Go of Frenemies

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What I am about to tell you is a lesson that I had to learn through time.  I will be the first to admit that I do not have a lot of friends and at the end of the day I do not care and it does not bother me.  Not to sound harsh, but I have learned what type of people to have in my life and what people to cut out.  I used to like to invite everyone into my inner circle only to be faced with frustration and drama, that is really something that I do not have time.  I do not have time for the negativity, the drama, the arguments, the non encouragement; and if the person that I am dealing with is about that then they can bounce.

For example, when I started my Master’s degree I had a girlfriend that told me that I could not do it being a single mother, I was going to quit before finishing, and how it was going to be hard.  Perhaps in her mind she meant the best, but in my mind she was being negative and discouraging me from what I wanted to do.  These are the type of people that you have to weed out of your life and that is what I did.  And low and behold, 3 years after starting my Master’s I finished with over a 3.6 GPA and she is no longer my friend.  I will take this a step further

Take this Bible Example

“When Jesus came into the ruler’s house, and saw the flute players and the noisy crowd wailing, He said to them, ‘Make room, for the girl is not dead, but sleeping.’ And they ridiculed Him. But when the crowd was put outside, He went in and took her by the hand, and the girl arose.”

Matthew 9:23-25

Image result for frenemiesIt was not that Jesus could not heal the child, but he sent everyone out because their unbelief and negativity was going to interrupt his process and who has time for all of that?  Who has time to sit and hear people tell you what you cannot do when you know that you can?  Who has time for people who have nothing nice to say to you or about what you can accomplish?  If they cause you more stress than anything then why are they in your life?  And when you take them out of your life please know not to get all depressed and bent out of shape about it.  I cannot tell you how many times I hear people get all depressed about not having any friends, sitting and crying about it.

I hate to sound insensitive, but that is nothing to cry about.  If the people that you are dealing with do not value you or your friendship, then that is their lost and not yours.  So why are you upset about it.  I have learned to be content weather I am with myself or weather I am with others.  And now in this day and time I really prefer to be by myself.  It is when I am by myself that I listen and hear God speak.  If you are always around other people who thoughts, words, and opinions drown out your thoughts; then how can you hear your own voice?  How can you hear God’s voice?  So while some of my so called friends were speaking negativity, the only thing that kept me from feeding into it was the words of God.  When you speak to God you know that He is telling you the truth and you know that He wants the best for you.  So really when you have God, you can never say that you do not have any friends when there is the best friend in the whole universe just waiting for you to get away from negative friends who tear you down so He can build you up.

I have had friends that I have known for a very long time, but it was not until I started to know God and know myself that I started to see the real people around me.  I have noticed many friends that I have had for a long time that were negative, they have nothing positive to say, they are always gossiping, bragging, their life is messy, or they are messy.  Sometimes when you are in the midst of the mess with them, you do not see how jacked up of a person they are.  It is not until you step out of their world of dysfunction that you see, that perhaps you need to step away from them and their none sense.

Looking back over my teens and my twenties, I think back on the words that people have told me. At the time not understanding that these word were like backhanded compliments.  Oh you know the statements that seem nice on the surface but when you think about it, it was there way of tearing you down on the low.  Stuff like saying,

“Oh you look a little chunky today; but your outfit is cute.”

Or “Are you wearing your hair like that, I wouldn’t but do you?”

Phrases like these seem harmless but if you hear them over and over again you will start to question you weight, your hair, things about yourself that your saw call friend-emies have put into your head.  That is why it is so important to have real people who are for you no matter what and not against you.

Image result for toxic friendsNow lets flash forward.  Once I let go of alot of the negative people and people who did not really want me to do good, guess what?  I started to do the things that I felt I was called to do.  And I am getting further and further on my path, and I am completely happy.  And now the same people who said I could not, either are trying to still rain on my parade or they are trying to get all up in my space and pretend to be my friend now that they see that I am doing better regardless of what they said.  And these are the people that you need to be careful of.  It is not that you do not want to forgive, but just like Jesus sent out the people to prevent them from speaking negativity into his atmosphere is the same way that you have to keep negative people out of your space.  And not only keep them out of your space, but do not let them make you feel bad for doing it.  You know what is best for you, and do not let any one guilt you or make you feel bad for not letting their negative energy and unbelief into your personal space.  Does that make sense, I hope so.  Until next time lovey people.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Advice To Single Women In their 30's, For Those Who Want to Get Married.

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This video gives dating and relationship advice to women in their 30's and beyond and comes from someone who is in their 30's and in the counseling field.

Check out my video below: 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

How I Stop Being Desperate For Marriage

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I can recall the days in which I use to fantasize about getting married.  I used to talk to all my other single friends about how much we wanted to get married and how wonderful it would be when we get there.  But one day something clicked in my mind and everything changed.  Do not misunderstand me, I do want to get married eventually but as it stands it is not that much of a priority any more.

Let me explain.  I am a firm believer in God speaking to people in dreams.  Not all dreams but some dreams.  There are plenty of biblical accounts of God speaking to people in their dreams and about two or three years ago, this happened to me.  I can recall the dream still so vividly to this day.  The dream was about my future husband.  I saw him.  Well not really saw him, I saw the back of his head and the way in which he was dressed. And even more so, there was a feeling that was associated with the dream.  A feeling of happiness and the whole vibe of him.  It was in that dream that I knew that the only way to my future husband was to continue on the path that God has given me to go, because I know that on that journal my husband will be there.

As I reflect on how I was prior to this dream, I can recall of how much time I wasted day dreaming and talking about getting married and finding a good man.  It really was exhausting and it was detouring me away from the real things that I was suppose to be doing.

Image result for desperate for marriageThe way I see is that when you get to heaven is God going to congratulate you on finding a husband or is he going to congratulate you on fulfilling your life purpose.  Therefore what do you think is more important to God in this life.  The time that we waste thinking, lusting, and thinking about marriage.  Or being patient, doing the things we felt we were called to do and allowing God to bring that right person to come to us.

I cannot tell you how many of the good marriages happen when people were not looking for love.  They were just going about their merry little way, and then BAM it happened.  I feel that when you go about love this way, you have a lens on in which you can see people for who they really are.  Meaning that if you are desperate for love, then you will take anyone and accept anybody, sometimes causing more pain to yourself.  But when you step out of the desperation and keep focused on yourself and what you are suppose to be doing, then you can clearly see the type of person that is good for you and that will go along with your life and life purpose.

Now as it stands, even at 31 years old.  I do not mind being single.  I do not mind telling people that I am over 30, not married, and I do not mind telling people my age.  Why should I mind?  I have accomplished many things in my short years of being here on Earth and God willing I will still accomplish more to come.

With that dream that I mentioned it was a knowing.  I knew this man was a hard worker and I knew he was a good man.  And most of all in that dream, it was not even a man that I would have pictured for myself.  Not at all, he was much better.  And believe me I have a grand imagination of what I want my husband to be and I have dated some pretty attractive men, and he was much better than that.

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The reason why I never thought of a man like this is because in some way I did not think I could deserve a man like that.  I was not reaching that high at that point in my life.  I was just going from day to day not doing anything really important or significant, so why would I get a man that was important and significant.  And with that dream, God told me that I needed to change.  He saw me as important and significant, and He could not understand why I was not living up to what I was created for.  Not only to get the man, but to get the many promises and gifts that God has in store for me.

And guess what, I bet it is the same for you.   You have to clear out all these negative emotions in order to get your direction and see what type of life God really wants for you.  And since God is the King of Kings, and we are his children (direct decedents of royalty), God wants to give you an inheritance.  But like all kings, He will only give you your inheritance when He feels you can be responsible with it.

In closing, instead of being desperate for a marriage.  Be desperate for God, and all the rest will come in due time.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Relating to Phaedra Parks, I have been there!

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As I was watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta (my guilty pleasure), I can say that I have been relating to the character Phaedra.  For those of you who do not know my son’s father was incarcerated for the past 6 years since my son was born up until about 6 months ago (my son is 6 now).  If you want to know more about this story click here and here for those blogs.
Image result for phaedra parks and apollo nidaIn any case it really saddens me how hard people come down on Phaedra.

Unless you have been faced in a situation in which you have to take your child into a prison then you have no idea how she feels.  Unless you are faced with a situation where your son has no father and his father figure is not a good one because he keeps committing crimes, then you have no idea how she feels.  Unless you are a single mother trying day in and day out to do the best thing for your son, you do not know how she feels.  Well I know how she feels because; I have been there.

I did used to take my son to see his father in prison. Taking a small child in prison is not an easy thing.  Taking off his diapers, shoes, not being able to bring any snacks in there in case he gets hungry is hard work.  And the most thing is the struggle in your head wondering if you are even doing the right thing.  No normal person wants to get their child use to the idea of a prison and thinking that this type of behavior and/or situation is normal.  When my son was 2 or 3 he would ask why his dad could not come out?  Why he had to stay there, why his father could not see him?  He did not understand why we would go to this guarded place to see his father and never got a chance to see his father in his home life.

I would get frustrated getting up at the crack of dawn not knowing if I would get a visit, because one of his girlfriend may have visited him already.  Or if our visit would be 30 minutes or two hours and having to drive hours in order to get there.  None of that was easy for me as I am sure it is not easy for her.

Not to mention that she is a lawyer and that is a bad reflection on her.  He knew her profession before he committed the crime and did he not once think that she may have repercussion in her profession because of his wrongdoing.  For myself, I was given a job as a correctional counselor in a prison NOT where my son’s father was.  The offer was retracted because I was visiting my son’s father in prison and they did not feel that was appropriate interaction for a counselor to have.  Someone else’s actions that affected my life.

So while everyone sees it from Apollos side, I see it from hers.  She does not have to do anything in order to make his life comfortable, he made his bed so he mine as well lie in it, and we cannot get on Phaedra because she is refusing to compensate for his mistakes.