Monday, July 28, 2014

What About Your Friends? Signs You Need To Let A Friend Go.

I am not ashamed to admit that I do not really have a lot of close friends.  Unlike people who are bothered by it I completely do not care.  I have learned that having detrimental friends who share your space can be just as bad as have enemies.  I am not saying I disliked anyone, I am just saying that sometimes you need to love people from a distance.

Here are a few tips to let you know it is time to remove someone from your life.

 1. They are negative.

Who wants to be around Debbie downer all the time.  I cannot tell you how many friends I have had to say goodbye to because they were too criticizing, they complained too much, or were not on the same page as me.

Let me give you some examples of friends I had to give the ax.  I had a girlfriend who said I would not be able to finish my Master’s degree because I was a single mom.


There is no point of having people in your life that are going to speak down to your destiny (TWEET THIS).  If you believe you can, then your friends should be there to promote you.

I had a male friend whom I dated, and the only thing he talked about was why things were not working out for him and how he felt like other people owed him stuff and blah blah blah.  I mean I would sit on the phone for 30 minutes and hear him complain about God knows what.


Why go back and forth with negative people, just move on.  Know that negative friends have no place in your life (TWEET THIS).

2. Too needy

I have had maybe one or two friends that simply wanted too much.  I do not mind giving to my friends, but when you think I should be taking the place of your boyfriend, it is time for you to go.

An ex friend of mine wanted me to help pay her rent, phone, money for her boyfriend, lend her my laptop, do her work for her, always be ready for her every beckoned call.

I am sure if I could use the bathroom for her she would have wanted that too.

Friends that are too needy signify a problem (TWEET THIS).  You cannot even worry about your own needs because you have to worry about theirs so much.  This is a quick way to get a de-friend in my book.

3. Never There When You Need Them

Out of all the reasons why I cut friends out of my life this is number 1.  I have had friends in which I always went to their event, but wherever I invited them to mine they were too busy.

This is something I hate.  Friendship can never be one sided, if you feel like you are always the one giving out of a friendships then stop giving (TWEET THIS).

I can recall when I had my son’s first birthday, most of my friends stated they would come but when the day came they never showed up.  This was hard to accept considering I had been to their weddings, Mary Kay Parties, Birthday Parties, and bridal showers.

This is not the same as holding a grudge but friendships can never be one sided.  It is about give and take.  If you are always giving to them and they are always taking never giving anything back in return, then that is not a mutually beneficial relationships.

4. Refusing to Grow Up.

With me being a mother and a Christian, having friends that get joy from going out getting passed out drunk and getting into bar fights are just no longer my thing.

I like to have fun, but this is not the college days.  The sloppy angry drunk party person is simply not cute.  For me it shows a sign of immaturity, and I would not want any of your bad habits to rub of on me.

Friends who want to stay in their childhood, let them, but that does not mean that I need to be out there embarrassing myself with you.

5. Not supportive or Jealous of You

I always feel that you have the ability to speak life or death into your situation.  The mouth is a very powerful weapon (TWEET THIS).  So who wants to hear a friend tell you, you are not going to succeed, calling you or your ideas stupid, telling you that you are fat and ugly.

If you do not feel encouraged when you are around a friend then get rid of them.  Out of all the friends that I get rid of, I can say this is the number 2 reason why.

Friends that have told me “I can’t” or try to impose their life on me, when they are not doing anything significant, can also get the AX!

Trying to do what you feel you are supposed to be doing is hard enough, who wants to hear things from your friends telling you, you are never going to make it.

I know this may sound harsh, but not everyone deserves to share your space (TWEET THIS).  This is not because you hate them, I do not think you should hate anyone.  But liking everyone does not mean you need to invite them into your world and allow them to wreak havoc in it.  You have to know when to let go.  Always surround yourself with positive people.  Those who are for you and not against you.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

When I read this verse is honestly made me mad.  “Great now is what wrong with me?”  God is always telling me I am a sinner and now because I fear I am somehow not perfected in love.

Why do I always feel like I always have to work on something about myself?

As I sat back and reflected on this verse I knew what this verse was saying was right.  So often we hear, fear not the Lord has everything in control.  Do not fear, do not fear.....but to not fear in the face of adversity is against every grain fiber that we have.  And that is why it is so hard.

The absence of fear is so easy to have when we can see what is on the other side.  But happens when you are broke, unemployed, alone, or do not know where you next meal in coming from; are you going to not fear then?  And if you do fear, does it mean that you are not perfected in love?  Does it mean that you do not trust God fully?

I would love to tell you that if you do not fear the future that your life is going to be filled with lollipops and gum drops.

 But I want to go in this deeper so you can really understand what I am saying.  So stay with me:

We know that God always loves us and if we know that God always loves us then we should not fear because  God goes ahead of us and therefore that means that no matter what we are going through we should trust that if God loves us it will all be okay.
Sounds nice doesn't it?  But what happens when you are 45 plus and you have never been married, are you going to be absent of fear then?  Are you still going to feel like God has someone for you then?

What about if you have lost your job and you have been applying again and again and have been turned down time and time again?

Or when your bills are tight and you have no idea where your next meal or rent is coming from, are you still going to have no fear?

Even as the tow truck is taking away your car due to it being repossessed and you have no idea on how you are going to get it back, are you still not going to be fearful then?

If a love one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and you are unsure of their future, are you still not going to fear?

Not having fear does not mean that you will not have hardship, it only means that you do not fear because even in the midst of the hardship God is still in control and you know that things will work out....even if you do not see how.

Having no fear means if it does not work out the way that you like then you have to believe that God loves you, and He has plans for your good and not harm.  Even if it does not seem that way on the surface.

I was having a conversation with God last night and He was asking me why I was so fearful of the future.  When I thought about it, I was fearful of the unknown, I was fearful about what other people thought, and I was fearful that things would not work out the way I wanted them to.

Then God told me “ So what.”

So what to all of what I just said, so what to all of my fears.  So what if things do not work out the way I liked, people do not like what I am doing, or think it’s weird.  So what.

As long as I was doing what I felt God has placed on my heart and I was on the path that He set for me, what is there to fear?

With this thought I came to realize that this was something that I needed to work on.  To not fear about anything weather the future was going to be good or bad is perfect love.  And the reason why it is perfect love is because God loves me and weather the days are good or bad, I am still doing what He wants me to do.  And if I love God, then I should be happy with doing his will.

This idea is so simple but hard.

I do not know if perfect love could ever be reached.  I do not know if I could wake up every day and say that I do  not fear anything.  There as a time that I did.  But as you grow spiritually, there is always ways you are going to be tested.  Choosing to not fear about anything in the future in an ultimate test, and the ability to conquer that fear means that you have perfected love.  Not just with God, but in all areas of your life, even with your other relationships.

The Danger Of An Unequally Yoked Partner

If you are like how I used to be, you are the type of women that gives every man a chance whenever he asks you out on a date.  As a single woman, we hear not to be too picky (see my blog here) and give everyone a chance.  After all, you do not want to turn away a potential man that could be the one right (read my blog here)? 

You may say to yourself:

So what he does not like children (and you have children)?
So what he is an atheist (and you believe in God)?
So what he does not have a job, car, and no motivation to do anything whatsoever?  It can still work right?  


The key to finding the relationships you want is not to spend time on relationships that are not going to go any where.  Before you engage with someone, there is always signs that this person is crazy, a stalker, controlling, abusive, or is simply not for you.  

The key is to weed out these men before you spent the next 2 years in a relationship that is going to end in a break up.  

Never get with someone that is unequally yoked with you.  The Bible always has great advice on relationships that can still be applied today.  

”Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”  2 Corinthians 6:14

1. If a man does not believe in God, then he has nothing to fear.

I know this may sound harsh, but I am going to completely agree with this statement.  For myself I think of it like this. The reason why I stay in line with what I am supposed to be doing is because God tells me to and I have reverence for the Lord. 

Meaning if a man does not know God,  I feel he will have no problem cheating on you, abusing you, hurting you, or lying to you.  Do not get me wrong, I have meant Christian men who are anything but Christians, but these are what I call surface Christians.  They are Christians when it is convenient for them, but when they want to have a one night stand, then the whole idea of God goes out the window (see my blog/ horror story here). 

I can recall when I dated someone who was Muslim.  I knew it would not work because his expectation out of a women was for his wife to be in full Muslim dress, and I knew this was something I was not willing to do.  Nor was I willing to go to the Mosque, give up Christmas, celebrate Ramadan, or give up pork.  To get with him would be to change my whole lifestyle. 
Being equally yoked with someone can go beyond just being a Christians.  

You have to think do you have the same morals, values, and do you want the same things? 

I knew a woman who married a man and he wanted her to go out and sleep with other men, while he watched.  That may be for some people.  But you have to think is this for you.   This is why it is so important to know what a person morals and values are before you get together. 

The last thing you want to be is a wife that is getting passed around. These are things that are going to cause friction in a relationship when there is not need for it.  Because you should find out about how a man is before hand.  

3. The last area in which couples can be unequally yoked is family. 

It amazes me, how many people get married and then want to talk about if they want children or not.  This is something that should have been discussed before hand, don’t you think.  Some other examples include a man not wanting his women to work, homeschooling children, or expecting a hot meal at dinner every night when he gets home. 

If you are a women who is and wants all of these things, then I commend you.  If you are like me and you know being a domestic goddess is not your cup of tea, then it is important to know these things about a man before getting serious.  He is not going to change his mind and I am sure you are not going to change your personality.   

Being unequally yoked is NOT:

-He must have less than 1% of body fat on his body because you have less than 1% on your body. 
- He must talk to his mother everyday because you do.
- He must agree with you on every little thing that you say. 

Let’s  not get crazy.  You are still two different people and you are going to be different.  You need to realize that everyone have imperfections and they are not going to be your clone.  Focus on the things that matter. 

In closing, I cannot tell you how essential being unequally yoked its.  It will help you weed out the men that are not for you and spend more time in relationships that will more than likely end in something more serious.  Always maintain a level head when dating and never get so head over heels that you overlook important things about his personality that does not go with yours.  

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Am I Too Picky? Or Are You Just Refusing To Accept Nonsense?

I am 30 years old and single.  I have heard so many times that the reason why I am still alone is because I am too picky.  It seems that the conversation I have with most women, is they just find a man and it does not really matter weather they love them or not.

This is a new concept to me, but apparently everyone woman on the planet seems to think they can look past not loving someone and still want to marry them.  As I spoke to a friend of mine who had been married before, she told me the next time she was going to get married, that she was going to get married for love.

This confused me, I wanted to ask her why did she get married the first time?  It does not really make sense to be married to someone you do not love, seeing as how you expect to spend the rest of you life with them and all.

Some of my criteria for a man include him having a job, being a Christian, me being attracted to him, his own place, commonsense, intelligent, a good person, and a good role model.

I do not feel these things are picky, I feels these things are completely normal.  Why would I want to have someone with no job, no money, and someone who cheats on me all for the sake to say I am with someone?

I will give you a real life example.  I once met a guy, a lawyer in fact.  He offered that we workout in the morning before work.  That morning when I came over to his home, he did not answer the phone.  I could not get up to his apartment because it had a code.

Therefore I did what any normal woman would do at 6 am who came to meet someone.  I waited until someone else went in and then I came in behind them.

When I knocked on his door, the man was shocked to see me.  He asked how I got in because the building was suppose to be locked.  After about 20 minutes of sitting in his apartment waiting for him to get ready, his alarm goes off, for him to wake up.

In case you do not know what this means, let me explain it to you.  He had no intentions of meeting me.  He set his alarm for a good 40 minutes after I was supposed to meet him.  His plan the whole time was to have me waiting outside his building until I went away.   In the back of my mind, I knew I would never see this man again.

When I got to work I told my tale to a co-worker.  She explained to me that because I wanted to get marred I should not make a big deal about this, and accept the fact that he basically attempted to stand me up.

I looked at her in much bewilderment.  I took time out of my schedule to get up early to meet this man so that we could go running downtown (he lived near where I worked).  This man could not even respect me enough to get up out of his bed and keep his word to me.  And it was intentional!

This ladies is not being picky.  This is expecting someone to be respectful to you and keep their word (read my blog here on keeping your word).

Since when did expecting a man to be respectful to you, mean that you have high expectations?  And what is worse, when did women start to feel that expecting a man to keep his word, have a job, and take you out on a date was too high.

I am not willing to let anyone tell me that I am too picky.  I feel that this is what men tell you to make you feel bad about yourself so that they can get away with crap!

The crazy thing is I could go on and on and tell you date after date and story after story when men try to run game just to get you to think they are something special when they are not.

Man know that woman want to get married, and so they use it against us.  They try to convince us that we should accept the breadcrumbs they throw out because we are the ones in need of their attention.

My ex, tried to get back with me once, or a few times. Or he just wanted sex, who knows.  When I told him we were just on two separate we were in two separate books all together.  He told me there were so many women that had it together but not many men like him.  And therefore I should be lucky that he shows me any attention.  SAY  WHAT!

Let’s recap on my relationship with him, he cheated, did nothing around the home (we lived together), did not pay rent, bills, crashed his car and used mine (sometimes without permission).  And even though he was in a better place in life now, what on Earth would make me want to go back to nonsense.  What is he smoking !!!

And what is worse, is that me saying no, was somehow shocking to him.  Because women are supposed to accept anything.

I know this was a bit of a rant, but my point is.  Do not let anyone tell you, you are too picky.  If there is a certain type of man you want, then wait until you get him.  Do not sell all for the sake of being married and spending the rest of your life with someone who thinks you are lucky to be with him.

It should be the opposite, if he really loves you, he should be thinking that he is lucky to be with you.  Women you are not too picky.  It is just time for men to step their game up and stop being little babies who want to live off of us, hurt us, do what they want to do, and tell us that we should accept it because at least we have a man.

In closing, if you want to hear more about my relationships mayhem.  Read about it in my book.  Click below for more info.

Friday, July 25, 2014

God Doesn’t Expect Us To Be Perfect, But He Does Expect Us to Try.

There are so many Christians and unbelievers that feel God expects perfection from us in order for us to have a relationship with Him.  I have heard Christians say:

 “I will start going church once I stop this addiction, or once I stop having these sexual thoughts.”  But this is faulty thinking.

God does not expect us to be perfect when we come to Him, the only thing He requires us to do is try. If we come to Him as we are, then He will give us the grace to stop the behavior that we know we should not be doing.  But the key it to come to Him first.

Let’s take Noah

The Bible states “When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent.” Genesis 9:21

Noah has moments of imperfection, and he had moments of drunkenness, but yet and still God chose to use him.  As a result he is one of the more prominent men of the Bible.

And Moses

The Bible states that “he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.” Exodus 2:12

Moses, was a murderer and even tried to hide his crime after the fact. But yet in God’s infinite mercy and wisdom, He saw things in Moses that Moses did not see in himself.  Even more so yet another prominent man of the Bible (who did many miracles) was used to do God’s work, even in his imperfection.

David is famously known for being a man after God’s own heart.  But have you ever read the Bible to really understand how much David would stumble time and time again.  And when he stumbled, he stumbled big time.

The first was David’s adulteress affair with another man’s wife.  “She came to him, and he slept with her.  Then she went back home.  The woman conceived.” 2 Samuel 11:4-5.

Not only did David have sex with another man’s wife and get her pregnant, but then he covered the sin by having her husband sent to the front lines of war and killed! And this was only after, he brought the husband home and tried to convince him to sleep with his wife, so he could pass the baby off as his (See 2 Samuel 11).  How is that for drama?

So yes David defeated Goliath, but he also committed many sins in the eyes of God, but yet God still loved him.  It is not that God loved his sin, but he loved David’s effort to please him.

God looks at the heart, no human (with the exception of Jesus) can ever be perfect, and God knows that.  It is a great thing for you and me, that God gives A’s for effort.  For those times, in which we fall short, God is there to meet us halfway.  Or better yet more than halfway, all we have to do is take the first step.

Exodus 3:11-12 states  “But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? And God said, ‘I will be with you.’”

Even though we feel that we are not perfect or not good enough, God promises us that He will be with us, carry us, and lift us up to make up for our shortcomings.  He does not expect perfection, God just wants us to put forth the effort.


Are You A Woman Worth More Than Rubies? Or Are You Selling Yourself Short?

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10

I often find this verse about women very interesting.  For many who do not know diamonds are great but rubies are better and more rare.  So what an interesting concept that this verse would put a good women in such high esteem.

I was having a conversation with my mother.  She told me about a girlfriend, which was younger than my mom, and she felt obligated to sleep with a man after three dates.  Her rationale was because he spent money on her, took her to nice restaurants, and she felt that she had to give him something in return.

Where does this mentality come from?  Since when do you have to reward a man with your body just because he took you on a few dates.  The reason why I opened up with the above verse is because is a good woman is worth MORE than rubies, then how much does it take for you to be bought.

If it is going to take three dates, a purse, and a pair of shoes for you to give up your body, then I do not know to tell you.  Are you a women that is worth more than rubies?  If so, then you should be woman that cannot be bought.  And the only way a man should be able to get to you is if he gives you something that is worth more than rubies. This includes a ring on your left ring finger and a walk down the aisle declaring you as his wife.

I was once like the women out there, so lost, so confused, listening to men that had no sense and allowing them to talk me out of what is valuable.  What I have come to learn that you are actually putting price tag on something that God says in invaluable.

Isn't this an interesting concept in which society has talked us into rewarding men for doing their job.  I am not saying that it is man’s job to buy you everything in the world, but taking you out to get to know you is what they are suppose to be doing.  There is no reward for that.  That is normal behavior.

The world in which we live the roles have certainly changed.  What happened to the days in which men actually want to court women?  There whole purpose for getting to know you, was to see if they wanted to make you their wife.  Not to get inside of your pants or use you.

Men no longer see the value in marriage because women no longer see value in themselves.  They do not see themselves as something that is worth more than rubies.  Women now feel it their obligation to chase, pay for, run down, and be on the prowl for men.  In turn a man does not even have to try, they can just sit back relax and see which woman is willing to jump high enough to win his affection.

And when you really get down to it, their affection really isn't much.  When you historically look at some of the men in the Bible think of this.

Jacob worked 14 years for free in order to win the affection of Rachel (read my blog here).

David heard that whoever slayed Goliath would be able to take the king’s daughter for marriage, and so he slayed Goliath and countless of other men in battle to win her affection.

And Boaz, he made provision for Ruth when she was broke and hungry.  If you actually read this book of the Bible, Boaz went above and beyond to show his affection for Ruth (see blog here for more).

And guess what?  They did not expect anything in return for the woman as a way to show them gratitude.  This type of behavior was expected from them, because they were men.

This all sound fairy tale and romantic.  But I am convinced that there are men that are still out like this.  Women must stop selling themselves short and allow the man to be a man.  Most importantly women need to learn when a man is not this, then let go.  Do not try to hang on to something that is broken and try to make him into a man he isn't.

I know this may sound harsh.  But trust me I have wasted years trying to make a man into something they simply were not.  I tried to carry all the burden on my own up until the point that the man was just lazy.

It was at a point that I had to step back and stop hurting myself.  I say hurting myself because that is what I was doing.  I was getting into relationships that I knew the men were not willing to be men.  When you learn to let go, realize that it is their issues and not yours, a tremendous weight will be lifted off your shoulders.

You have a worth, it is something that is far more than rubies.  A price that is much more rare that diamonds.  A price that cannot be matched by simply anyone.

If you could imagine yourself being a princess would you marry anyone less that royalty.  Don’t  you think you deserve to be with a prince.  Not some hobo off the street that can’t even get up, take a bath, and get a job.

The thing about being a daughter of the most high God.  You are a princess.  You are royalty.  Even though God loves us all, some people have forgotten their royal position and have given it up and choose to live a life less than what they are capable of.  Less that what God wants them to live, and for some reason, some women have gave up their royal position as well, to take the place of a concubine instead of a wife.

I know this may sound harsh, but I want you to see it like it really is.  What princess deserves to be a concubine, sharing your man with several other women and no commitment.

Reclaim your royal position and wait for your prince.  Trust, it will come.

Sandra Heska King - Still Saturday

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The True Meaning of Being a Submissive Woman

Submissiveness in a wife is something I felt lead to talk about.  With the world the way it is today, people would like to lead Christians women into believing that submissiveness is a thing of the past.  Before you women, get up in arms and stop reading.  I would like to explain what submissiveness is and is not.

Being a submissive wife does not mean that you are going to be a maid, answering every little call of your husband.

It does not mean that you are going to be his share cropper, indentured servant, sex slave, or anything other form of slavery.

It does not even mean that you have to agree with every little thing that comes out of his mouth.

You are a unique person, God made you this way.  Submissiveness does not mean that you lose your personal identity and turn into a scene from the movie Coming To America.  You know the one in the beginning where the prince was about to get married to his betrothed and the answer to all the princes questions were “ Whatever it is that you like.

The prince did not like this about her in the movie and men won’t like it about you.  No one wants a bobble head to say “ yes dear” to everything.  So get that whole idea out of your head.

It is my personal opinion that no system can be effective if there are too many leaders.  Everyone cannot want to be a leader in your household.  This leads to utter chaos.

Let me explain it in a way that is easy to understand. We have a president this would be the equal to your husband.  The president has the senate, congress, and all other type of systems to help him make informed decisions, but the president has the ultimate say so.

(Let’s not get into politics of what has or has not gone on with the president this is just an illustration).
The other government agencies would be the wife.  Even through the president has the ultimate decision to make, he will always take the opinions of the other organization around him into consideration for the good of the people (your household, kids, etc).

This means if you are a wife or for single women who wish to become a wife.  Your husband or future husband should not ignore your opinion and do whatever he wants to do weather it is good for the family or not.  It means that when a decision is made, (this is why it is so important to choose a GOOD husband).  He will made the decision based off of everyone needs and not just his own.  Because at the end of the day, as a wife you must go with his decision.

Why? May you ask.  Because if you have a opinion on how something must be done and your husband has another opinion.  You will just keep going back and forth over and over again and nothing will get solved.

So one person needs to be the designated head of household and whatever he determines the decision is, as his wife you agree with it.

Let me pull out a Bible verse to give you a better understanding.

Ephesians 5: 28-29

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church

Do you see here?  If a man loves you like he loves himself.  He should not abuse your submissiveness and use it for weakness.  No good, God fearing man should do that.  A good husband should always treat his wife like himself, and if he does not want to hurt himself then he should not want to hurt his wife. Make sense?

So really being submissive should not be this dreadful thing you have to do because you feel that it is your obligation.  For married women who have married a selfish man and he does not consider your feelings.  Then under God’s law you still have to be submissive.

Go to God about it and pray that God speaks to his heart and change him.

For you single women, this is SO important what I am about to say.  I do not want you to miss it.  This is why knowing this as a single woman you are at an advantage.  The reason being because you have to stop being SO DESPERATE to find a man that you remain objective.

When you met a man and get serious about him.  Always look at how he treats you.  If he is disrespectful and treats you like crap now, then he is not going to change when you two get married.

As a single you are still free to dump a loser or a non Godly man and make the right decision to choose someone that God would chose for you.

For myself I am highly opinionated and independent.  I am sure it will play against me no doubt when I get married.  This is why I must be very careful in understanding the type of man that I want to submit to.  I want to submit to a man that respects my opinions and honors them as oppose to just disregards them and does what he wants to do.

Think about it.

Renewed Daily - Recommendation Saturday