Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Baby Daddy Drama And A Lesson On Forgiveness

I used to pride myself on being a forgiving person.  But how many of you know that when you pride yourself on doing something, a situation is going to come to make that very hard to do.

If you read my blog then you know the situation about me and my son’s father.  If you do not and you want to recap you can read my blog entries here and here.

My circumstance is like a horrific situation on steroids.  I thought I had come to forgive him completely, but with him being out of prison, I feel the same type of irritation come up and cause complete and utter chaos.

To give him credit, he has been stepping up as a father.  But I cannot even describe the amount of disrespect and absolute disregard that I have had to deal with since I became pregnant.

I thought since he was sorry and he was regretful that perhaps he would be dying to make it up to me.  Wrong answer.

I have come to reflect on why it is so important for him to make it up to me, when in all honestly he has been making up to our son.

I have come up with this answer.

When dealing with him I have always made an effort to make our interactions better up until a certain point.  I had come to hope that one day he would see that and say

“ Wow I was really a jerk, perhaps I should spend my enter waking life, trying to walk on water and prove that I am no longer that jerk.”

Through several conversations that were rather heated on my part.  I come to realize that he is never going to understand the impact of what he did.

When I was at work, and he had the threesome with one of my co-workers, he is never going to see how much of a fool that made me look.

He is never going to understand that when I took his son to prison to see him in the early years, how hurtful it was to see girlfriend number one and two always on the visitation list.  And how he preferred to see them over our son.

He is never going to understand how much it hurt to find out that he was still married and that his wife, wished everything including death on our son, and he did nothing to prevent it.
He will never understand how much it hurt, to hear him say, that he does not love our son like his other children.

I can say it a thousand times.  I can write a whole freakin book about it (and I did click here).

But it is not going to change the drama that I have to deal with for the next 12 years.  And it is not going to change his attitude toward me.

And as a woman, how can I forgive that?

But as a Christian, I have to forgive that?

I do not know the solution to this problem.  The only thing that I can do is take it one day at a time.  If there is anything that I learned in regards to this situation.  I have come to learn that you cannot make anyone do anything they do not want to do.

You cannot make anyone feel anything they do not want to feel. And you cannot make anyone walk a mile in your shoes.  Does it make the resentment any less to know this?

Of course not, but as a person who is a Christian, it is what I must do, because I can feel this negativity separating me from God.

How can I ask God for forgiveness, when I cannot forgive others.

I come to think that God puts us in these situations so that we know what it is like to be in His shoes.  For us to openly do things to Him, like sinning.  Even though we know these things hurt Him, we openly sin in His face and ask for forgiveness, never knowing or understanding how much out actions really hurt Him.

I am convinced overall that this is why God wants us to be Christlike. So that we can understand how hard it is to forgive and love a world who neglects us.

Does that makes sense?

When you really follow God and do what He wants you to do when it is hard, you imagine the life of Jesus.

How he had to turn the other cheek through all the hate, resentment, and gossip.  All he wanted to do was what was right, but yet he was meant with hate.

With people who do not understand and those who wanted to use his kindness for weakness.

This may sound extreme.  But I can say I have been hated much for no real reason whatsoever.  But, I am able to move on.  As long as I behaved the way God wanted me to, and I do not have to deal with them on an everyday basis, then I pretty much go out of sight out of mind.

But what do you do, when the very thing that you have resentment toward is dangling in your face.  Expecting you to move on and expecting you to forgive, and they blatant disregard for their actions infuriate you even more?

God expects you to forgive.  I do not know how I will forgive.  I do not know how much time it will take.  But I know I must because it is what God wants me to do.

Being a Christian is hard.  It means doing what the world thinks is weak and putting on your happy face, when you feel like smacking someone.

It means loving and and praying for those who have done you wrong, even when you do not want to.  It means not just saying that you will do it, but actually doing it and believing in it your heart.   Something that I know, but something that is still hard to do.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Caged Bird (Inside the mind of a suicidal)

This post was written by someone who was highly depressed and suicidal.  The writer wishes to remain anonymous.  I do not condone suicide in any way shape of form, but thought this may give insight to the mind of someone who is suicidal and dealing with depression.

The Caged Eagle. 

I feel like a caged bird, or better yet a caged eagle.

I am strong, I know I can fly, and I know  I am capable.

But I look through the bars of my cage and realize  I just cannot get out and fly.

I look at the sky and know that is where I am supposed to be, but I just can’t get there.

Day in and day out my owner comes to feed me bird food.

I know its not what I need, I know its not what I was meant to live off of.

And I just can’t get stronger.

And so I starve, and I grow weak.

I hope  one day my owner would unlock the cage so I could go free.

I spend all of my energy, trying to get out of the cage.

As I lay down exhausted, I realize that even if my owner unlocked the cage I would be too exhausted to fly out.

And so, I am an useless eagle.

Unable to do what I was meant to, and I lay down to die.

While I was in the cage, everyone looks at the eagle admiring it.

Never thinking or understanding what it was like for me.

Saying how beautiful and how majestic.

But when it died, everyone talked about the eagle.

Saying it was a shame and how it never belong in that cage.

But no one ever did anything about it.

The owner thought he was helping the eagle by putting it in the cage and taking care of it.

But he was really hurting it, by caging it and not allowing it to fly.

And so the eagle died.

And in it’s death it could do all the things it could not do while it was in the cage.

It could  fly and it could soar!

It was free.

That is how I feel.

That in death, I could be free.

I do not think anyone could understand that.  Not even God.

He is the owner of the eagle, refusing to let it fly.

He thinks He is helping it, when in fact He is killing it.

He is killing me.

If you or someone you know is suicidal call the national suicide hot line 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Don't Let Break Ups Break You

I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine that I have known for a few years.  One thing that she often jokes about is how all of my exes or people that I have dated always try to come back.

Even though I do not believe in going back, there are ways that I handle things that may be different from most women.

I have never been the type of women that is going to agree with a man just because he is a man.  I have never been the type to be needy, clingy, or to beg for your attention.

I have come to the realization that if someone does not want me then they do not want me, it is not up to me to try to convince them of anything.  If they do not see that on their own then oh well.

You would be amazed at how having this attitude will change the way people see you.

This may be a shocker to many of you women, but after a break up, begging, crying, and gaining 30 pounds is not the way to go.  It will only prove to your ex that your are a crazy clingy psycho and he made the right choice by breaking up with you.

So here are just a few break up tips that you should always follow.  Sometimes it may make your ex want to come back and even if it doesn't you still get to save face and not look crazy.

1. Do not beg for anyone to be with you.

If someone wants to break up with you, let them.  You may be hurting and you may want to cry, but save all of that for after they walk out of the door.  You would be shocked at how many people get off seeing someone beg and act a fool over them.

Do not be that fool.  Do not cry and spit tears over someone not wanting to be with you, at least not in front of them.  If they cannot see your value then they should not be in your life anyway.

2. Always look good.

Even after a break up we all have the need to eat ourselves into 3 more pants sizes.  But fight that urge please.  I have come to learn that when you are out and about, minding your own business you will bump into an ex or someone that knows your ex.

True story, I had an ex call me because a mural friend saw me at the library, and told him that I looked great and he was considering asking me out.

My point is that story could have been different if I was looking like the hot mess express train ran over twice.

Even if you do not feel like it on the inside, try to look good on the outside.  The moment it gets back to the person you were dating you will feel priceless.

3. Get up and get out.

After a break up do not sit looking at the sky wondering when your next man is going to fall out of it.  Date, go out with friends, do something.  Get a hobby, pray, go to church, go back to school.  I am famous for that after every break up I get a new degree or write a book.  And these are the things that will get your mind off the break up and show your ex that your identity is not in them.

You always want an ex to say, “wow she is really doing good, why did I let her go.”

4. Stop with the emotional break downs.

I cannot tell you how pathetic is it to see a man trying to break up with a woman and she will cry and cry her way out of the break up.  Yeah he may take the break up back for that moment because he does not want to see the water works.  But it still does not change the fact that he wants to break up.  You are just delaying the inevitable.

Men will be with you even if they do not want to be with you, if they know that it will cause you to have a break with reality.

Therefore, I ask you, why would want anyone to be with you under these circumstances.
So just to be clear.  If a man wants to break up with you.  Do not cry or make any trips to the psychiatric ward because someone wants to leave you.

5. Do not chase.

When an ex leaves you, do not stop by his mother home to have a conversation about what her son did and try to convince her why your should get back with you.

Do not move into the apartment next to his or start working part-time at his favorite hangout spot.  Do not call all of his friends, sister, and everyone else that he knows to try to get them to tell your ex what a great catch you are.

Women some how think this is cute, but it is creepy.

This may come as a shock to you, but the secret to not letting a break up break you is to just be you.  The you before you met him.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Trusting God, Is Not Always Easy.

Trust is something that God wants you to have in Him.  The hard thing about this is that God is literally asking you to trust in something that you cannot see.  We often talk to God and feel His presence, but what happens when God has told you something; such as a purpose, marriage, child, or a situation that you have been waiting to come to pass.

At first you may be going full speed at the promise that God has told you.  But once time goes by the trust that you once had in God is harder and harder to keep. You start to think:

“ Did I hear God right?”
Is this (fill in the blank) really going to happen?

When I think of this I am often drawn to the story of Abraham.  When God told him he was going to have a child despite his barren wife, I sure he jumped for joy.  But then years pass, things didn’t change.  Then more years past, and they pretty much started to seem impossible.

Abraham knew that he heard from God, but then his wife thought that perhaps he had heard God wrong.  Perhaps all this waiting that they were doing was in vein.  God did not really mean that Sarah and Abraham were going to have a child.  Surely, God meant that He was going to use Hagar (Sarah’s servant) to bring them a child.

And so was born Ishmael.  This type of forcing God’s will started all types of problems.  One that would continue to haunt us to this day.  Since Ishmael is a key figure in the Muslim religion and there has been a war in some countries between Christians and Muslims since...well forever it seems like.

Sarah and Hagar were at war.  And forcing God’s will brought more torment on her than she would have thought.  She was forced to share her husband.  And this direct disobedience of God’s will, God stop talking to Abraham for over a decade.

When deciding to trust God there are times when we feel that we must act.  There is nothing happening.  Your job is not here. You husband or wife is not here. That child that God promised is not here.

So there must be something extra that you need to do on your part to hurry things along.  Even though this seems like the most obvious answer it is also the opposite of trusting God to do what He said He was going to do, by taking things into your own hands.

Going back to Abraham, when he finally got his golden child Issac.  God told Abraham to go and offer his son as a sacrifice.  That sounds all fancy but God basically told him to kill his son to prove that he loved God more than he loved what God has given him.

Think about his story, this is really some hard stuff to digest.  Historians agree that Issac had to be around 30 years old, when this happened.  Therefore, this took trust on both their parts.

Abraham had to trust that somehow God was going to change His mind about killing Issac.  Or after he killed Issac, God would do some miraculous resurrection from the dead.  After all, God promised Abraham Issac, and from him would be many decedents, so how could God permanently kill him?

Issac, being a grown man had to trust that his father was a man of God.  He submitted to being tied up and was more than likely looking at the dagger in his father’s hand, ready to kill him.  He had to trust that some how some way he was not going to die that day, despite what was going on around him.

Can you trust God that much?

If I were Issac I am sure my father would have been chasing me up and down the mountain side if he told me he were going to tie me up, kill me, and that somehow this is God’s will.

When you look at whatever you are trusting God for, it pales in comparison doesn’t it?

There are many points to this story.  If God has told you something you have to trust that he going to fulfill it.  And like Issac even though it look like you  may be about to die, you have to trust that not all is as it seems and that somehow someway, God’s promise to you will come to pass.

Abraham waiting for Issac, beyond the years that he and his wife were biologically able to have kids.  I sure somewhere past his 90th birthday, Abraham thought this may not happen for me.  I mind as well get over it.

But God is not a liar and so He did fulfill His promise.  And who knows it may have been done sooner if Abraham and his wife did not go about their own way and create Ishmael.

The morale of this story is to trust God.  Look beyond what you see and know that He is going to do whatever it is that He told you He was going to do.  You also have to trust that God’s time, is the best time.  And honestly, this is often easier said than done.  But you have to.  You do not want to go making of mess of thing, leaving God to clean it up, prolonging the promise that He has given you. Because now He has to clean up your mess.

Think about it?

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A fine man can only get you so far, But a good man can take you the rest of the way.

Every time I think that I am ready for a relationships it always takes an act of God (literally) to show me that I am not.

I always hear those women who say that they can look beyond the physical attributes of man and just pay attention to their personality, that is not me.  I have the problems of choosing a fine man over a good man any day.

For some strange reason, I have a very difficult time finding a good and a fine man.  It really seems that they are either one or the other.  I have not mastered the art of looking beyond the physical and I frankly do not feel that I have to.  Now if you are a women that is able to look past the outward appearance, then more power to you.  It is just unfortunate that God has not blessed me with that gift.

I thought that I was past my bad boy stage, but it seems like the thing in relationships that you think you have conquered will always come and smack you in the face. That test was the same type of man that I always fell for.
This consisted of:
_ muscle
- sexy
-emotionally unstable
- physically attractive
- does not want to settle down
- tall
- we have nothing really in common nor do we have the same goals.

But after years, this is the frist man that I am interested in.  I have written a blog on choosing love over lust (click here).  But sometimes this is easier said than done.

In my blog “ Will The real Boaz Please Stand up” (click here).

I gave so many characteristic on the real Boaz verses these fake man trying to walk around and convince us women that they are good.  I am convinced that us women have become so accustomed to the bad men, that when we see them, we tell ourselves we mind as well just take the pick of the liter from a whole bunch of bad men.  After all, most men are the same now a days, at least I can choose one that is nice to look at if he is going to be a jerk.

This is a sad way to be and a sad thought process.  I can relate to this thought process because despite how far I think I have come I still fall for the fine man, with 100 pounds of baggage dragging behind him.
For myself, I have come to think with my rationale brain. I must ask myself:

Do I really love this man or just his 6 pack?
Does this man really love me or just my backside?
If I was stranded in the middle of no where and I had one bar left on my phone, one person to call to come get me, would I call him and trust him to come save me?

If the answer is no.  Then, you more than likely do not love this man and he does not love you.  It is just lust.

When Ruth decided to choose Boaz, Boaz said an amazing thing:

 “The Lord bless you, my daughter,” he replied. ‘This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor.”’ Ruth 3:10

I do not know if Boaz was unattractive or just had low self esteem.  What I do know is that somehow, some way, he felt that Ruth could have done better. But she didn’t.  She chose a good man.  One that had a track record for taking care of her.  One that she knew could love her, because the encounter that she had with him from the very beginning were attributed of a man trying to win over a women.

I am talking to you women and also myself.  Whenever you get blindsided by that fine man that has nothing to offer you but being a nice piece of eye candy.  You may want to back off.  A fine man can only get you so far, but a good man can take you the rest of the way.

Monday, August 11, 2014

God Loves Imperfect People

The beautiful thing about God is that He does not expect us to be perfect.  It took me a very long time to learn this.  I would often tell myself if I do this, earn this, or prove this, then God will be proud of me.

It took me a long time to understand that God loves you no matter what.  He loves you in the times in which you do not even love Him or yourself for that matter.  This may sound strange to you, but all those people who do not believe in God or hate God, He still loves them.

Romans 8:38-39New International Version (NIV)

“38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I love this verse.  Can you imagine that there is a God out there that no matter what you do, how much you back slide or how much you sin, He loves you anyway.

For myself, every time I messed up I would just wait for God’s punishment to rain down on me for my sin.  I saw God as a vengeful entity in the sky waiting to punish me for my shortcoming.  And if I could just fly right, then perhaps I could avoid any punishment that came down from God.

Do not get my wrong, God tells us that we reap what we sow.  Meaning that if you go around doing evil all the time then you can expect the same in return.  But I do not think that God is just waiting around for you to slip up and as soon as you do He looking to bring His wrath upon you.

That is not want God is about.

“For the LORD disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child” Hebrews 12:6

This is a hard verse to swallow.  At least for me it was.  Basically God is telling me that when He decides to bring my sinful nature to my attention by causing me to reap the consequences from my sinful behavior then it is because God loves me. Huh?

As a mother I have come to look at it this way.  When my son was about 3 years old, he climbed a bookshelf. Once I plucked him off the book shelf I began to yell at him to instill the fear of God in him to never even do it again.

I wanted to react to him in this way so that he could see how serious I was.  I knew that the book shelf could have came and toppled down crushing his little body.  Therefore, my reaction needed to be so harsh that I knew for a fact that he would not do it again.

Well isn’t that what God does not us? It is not that He wants to punish us because He is mad with is or hates us, but so that we do not keep repeating the same stupid mistakes that could lead us away from Him.

Just like I did not hate my son when I got on him about the bookshelf.  God does not hate us.  I do not care what you think, are going through on the outside, or what your circumstances look like.  God does not hate you.  It is impossible.

Therefore never let your past mistakes keep your from God or think for an instant that you have to reach some unrealistic form of perfection to come before God.    Because guess what, you will never ever reach it.

It is with God’s help that we learn how to stop doing the sinful things of the world, and we can never learn these thing or do them on our own.

I have come to think that God likes our imperfections.  He made us right?  It is not that He wants us to go around sinning, but when we truly listen to God and become a reformed piece of art it teaches us a good lesson about ourselves and about God.

Eight years ago, I was the hot mess express train ran over twice.  I would feed the flesh and live for self only.  And although I am still a work in progress I am no where near what or where I used to be.  And I could have never gotten there without God.

Even though I went through some very hard stuff.  I mean my son’s father was incarnated for the past six years (even before then he wasn’t there).  I really learned the meaning of being a single mother.   I would cry out time and time again that I needed help.  But for all those days that I felt no one was with me, God was.

I think so many times people can look at who we are today and never really know all the stuff that we have gone through in order to get where they are.

I was one of those people.  God always reminded me that “ To much if given, much is required.” And that does not always mean that what he requires out of you, you are going to like.  And just because you do not like it or just because you are uncomfortable, that does not mean that God wants to see your suffer for no good reason.

If you ever feel like any one is against you or no one loves you remember God does.  And God is perfect so there is really no greater love than that.  Who can be against you, if you have the master of all things on your side.  And even though, it may seem that they are winning.  Look beyond what you see and know that God would never put you in a place in which He wants to leave you high and dry.

I have come to learn that God loves imperfect people.  If He wanted us to be perfect then He would have made us that way.  So use your imperfection as your strength.

Hardships Prepares Ordinary People For An Extraordinary Destiny

I think if someone has mastered the art of hopping on one leg and tricking everyone into thinking they have two it is me.  For myself, I know exactly where God wants me to be and what He wants me to do.  But boy did I learn and am still learning that no God given purpose is easy.

So many times we think that when God ordained us to do something then he is going to make it a cake walk to get there.  But it is quite the contrary.  If  I an run down the last 8 years of my life, some people would be amazed as to how and why I still believe in God.

Just to give you an idea.

Had a baby out of wedlock (check)
Abandoned by my son’s father when I was pregnant (check)
Son’s father goes to prison for 6 years (check)
Found out son’s father is still married (check)
Find out son’s father has girlfriend as well (check)
Not ever getting a child support payment (check)
Lose job (check)
Get another job making significantly less money (check)
Give up that job to follow God’s oath for my life (check)
Go through significant financial hardship (check)
Struggle (check)
Had string after string of terrible self centered relationships (check)
Have son’s father come home and realize that you are stuck in this parenting situation with him for the next 12 years (check)
Grandfather hospitalized  (check)
Close family member dies at three months old (check)
Talked About (check)
Persecuted against (check)

And these are really the ones that I can only think of off the back.  I have had so many people tell me that I seem so happy and they never would have guess that at any giving moment something in my life is crumbling down around me.

I will admit that there are times in which I just want to thrown in the towel, stop trying, and let the cards fall where they may good or bad.  Sometimes I feel that God is punishing me which frustrates me the most.  I tell God time and time again, “I gave it all to you, I have given everything up for you; what do you want? My life?”

Sometimes I feel that praying one more time and not seeing immediate results take to much effort. Sometimes I think praising God takes a voice that I simply do not have left.  Sometimes I sit and think “ Why am I praying about the same thing over and over again and I have not seen any type of change, what is the point?”

But you see I have come to learn a valuable lesson.  When you want to be used by God nothing comes for free.  Any person that you can ever think of that has been used by God has been through something.  Most of Jesus’ disciples all died some horrific death and even before they died they were all beaten up or persecuted for their belief in Christ.

In fact most significant people in the Bible went through some horrific event or events in their life time that would make a normal person want to give up.

But why?
Why does God do that?

Or better yet, why does God allow it to be done to us?

I think each person is different.  For myself, I know that it was a humbling experience.  I use to idolize having money, my job, and how much I made.  But it became hard when all of it was taken from me.

And even though I believe in God, I always some how felt that whatever situation I was in that I could fix it.  God had to show me different.

Even in this journey I have learn to be more empathetic.  I have been around so many people that are judgmental or see themselves as greater than someone else just because of the title they hold or their education.

I have a Master’s degree and am almost done with my PhD.  Does that change your viewpoint of me? Or does that make my struggle any less real?

My point is that if you want God to use you, then use you He will.  If you want much, then much is going to be required out of you.  So many time we hear the verse that “ If God cannot trust you with little then how can He trust you with much.”

I have come to learn that this just does not just pertain to money.  It can mean that God is going to take the very things away from you that you feel define you.

That could be your car, money, home, anything.  And when you get to that place, where everything is gone, you realize that those things did not define you. God is the one that defines you.

When you get to a place where you realize that you have no body and no one to lean. You have no choice but to lean on God and trust that in the midst of chaos, everything is going to be alright. Despite what you see. Do you believe that?

And if you do, than believing God is 99% of the battle.  And the key is to not do it kicking and screaming letting everyone know how horrible your life is, but rather putting a smile on your face in the midst of the pain. And praising God all the way.  That is a sure way to let others know that God has your back.