Friday, October 24, 2014

You Can't Have A Rainbow Without Rain, Choose To be Happy.

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Can I really describe a moment in which I have truly felt blissful?  That is the question for the day.  As I try to think and figure out this moment, I am sad to say that I cannot find it.  I think this is due to me and the way that I look at things (see my blog here on how to be happy).  For some reason or another  no matter what life stage I am in and what I am doing, there seems to always be something wrong.

A few years back when I bought my home, I was making a lot more money.  I think this was the closest to be truly blissful, even though I was not blissful at all. I was not struggling, happy I could shop and do all the things I wanted to do without depending on anyone else.

So what was it that made me unhappy?


During that time I was in some weird love triangle with a man at my job, who was also seeing my female boss.  She had a habit of flying over the coo-coo’s nest and was three shades of psycho over this man.  She made my working life and living HELL, and eventually was able to force me out of my job.  If you had read my (book) then you know all about it.

This was the time I bought my home.  I was  Blissful at doing this, but because of my love triangle and being force out of my job, I almost lost my home (literally) three days before I was supposed to move in.  I was blissful when I was able to get my home anyway, but due to the pay cut I have had every since, it has always been a struggle.

So while I was blissful in some areas, other areas where not.

When I had my son I can recall I was blissful.  I love my son more than anything can describe.  BUT....once again it appears as if my bliss is always interrupted.  Even though I love my son, being a single mother is hard.  Not to mention that time alone that I spend in my pregnancy due to my son’s father’s being completely and totally uninvolved.  And to top it all off, the next six years he spent in prison soon after my son was born, but a damper on my blissfulness.  My son had no father for all of that time, plus the DNA test we had to get due to him denying my son (even though they look like twins), the struggle I had from having no help from him, all once again put a damper on my blissfulness.

When I was single (before my son), I was a a drinking party animal.  I was blissful during this time because I was happy partying, and dating all of the time.  BUT..... This was not true bliss, I did all of these things to cover up the things that were really wrong.  I did not want to spend time without myself or talk to my self to figure out what was really wrong.  When I was forced to do that, I was faced with a sad version of myself who was not truly happy and did not have a purpose.

During the course of trying to be happy or when I was happy something always went wrong that would turn my life upside down, and I would try to figure out how to be happy again.  When I reach the new point of happy, then something else would go wrong and the pattern would repeat over and over again.

This is not going to be a post about be being all depressed telling you how much my life has sucked.  It is quite the opposite. Life is life and things are going to go wrong.  There is nothing you can do about it but to just accept what is coming your way.


There is something you can do about it.  Even though you cannot control your life you can control yourself and your reaction to life.  We can chose to be blissful and have happiness despite losing our jobs, our partners cheating on us, losing our homes, being a single parent, being broke, or whatever situation you are going through in your can chose to be happy.

Read these Bible verses with me:

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” Philippians 4:11-12  

“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5  

“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Philippians 4:11

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33  

“And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” Luke 12:15 

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10

What do all these verses have in common?  What these verses have in common gives a clear explanation as to why I could not find happiness.

You see I was basing my happiness on my job, how much I made, what I had, what I was losing, and what was happening to me. This is the reason why I could not be happy because I was looking at the wrong thing.  I was basing my happiness off the wrong thing.  Life is going to happen and it is not going to be perfect, if I am waiting for life to be perfect to be happy then sad to say I will be waiting for a very long time.

True happiness comes from within and it comes from God.  Once we see, understand, and get this aspect, then we can have happiness in all situations.  When you read the Bible do you every wonder in most of the new testament, how Paul can be happy or the disciples can be happy?

I mean let’s be real, they were in jail, getting stone to death, getting beat up, kicked out of countries, being shipped to other countries.....They were really going through it.  But when reading the above verses most of them are taken from the new testament from the followers of Christ.  They were not living in a mansion on the hill, they life was not in a good place, but they were happy and they were content.  Because they knew that true and absolute happiness could never come from things of this world, but keeping their eyes fixed on God and understanding that He is the source of true happiness.

This is a hard concept to grasp, even for me sometimes.  But once we get it, we will experience true happiness, no fear, and no worry (See my blogs here and here on having no fear).  And this is a level that you want to achieve.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

How To Have No Fear.

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I wrote a blog about fear and how having it means that you are not perfected in love (see here for the blog) at least as far as the Bible is concerned.  But it was not until today that I really understood what this meant.

Things in my life for the past few years have been going haywire and array to the point that I wonder if God was even with me anymore.  I prayed, cried, begged, and pleaded for things to change.  For things to get better, but they didn’t.

It got to the point that I did not even want to pray.  I did not want to face the fact that another one of my prayers were going to be unanswered.  I could not accept the fact that there was a distance between me and God and I could not understand why.  I could not get back to the place I was with God, and in a weird way I did not want to.  I felt like God disappointed me.  I felt no comfort nor did I feel any peace.  I had relied so much on God in everything that I did and now all of a sudden it seems like God was gone.

So then I thought I would try to do everything on my own.  I felt like God was not helping me or not concerned with my problems, therefore I needed to begin to figure this out on my own.  Why would I want to sit here, day in and day out and suffer for what I felt was for no good reason?  If God would not help, then I would do what I could do to fix it.

And then.....

That did not work.  I did everything in my power to control my situation and it did not work.  Things were still the same and getting worse by the minute.  And then I decided to do the only thing I could do, not care.

I was doing everything in my power for things to be fixed, but it wasn’t.  The only thing that was happening was that I was having more and more worry, anxiety, and fear that things were going to fall apart. In fact, they were already apart.  And guess what, I was still living and the world was still turning.  Some of the things I feared the most had come upon me and I was still living and breathing.

Even though I hated what I was going through, even though it hurt, I just learn to let go.  I let go because me worrying and thinking about it did not matter anyway.  If something was going to happen it was going to happen, me worrying about it or having fear was only going to affect me.

I could only do the things I could do and control the things I could control and leave the rest up to God. I either had to trust God and His word that everything would work out, or I had to continue to worry and have everything work out God’s way anyway.

When the world is crumbling down around you and there is nothing you can do when things keep falling you just let go. When you do the things you can, the things you feel you are supposed to be doing, then that is really all you can do.  Does that makes sense?

For myself, I am underpaid at my job.  It is something I am sure most people face in this economy.  Many people want a job and therefore employers try to get away with paying people the less amount of money as possible.  Plus the fact that I am a double minority (a women and black) statistics already say that these two populations are underpaid as it.  So imagine how broke and marginalized I feel.  I always feel, at most jobs and interviews I go one they look at me and despite was my resume says, they assume I can live off of less.

Well tell this to my mortgage company, utility company, or my car loan company; because I am sure they do not understand the struggle.  My biggest fear was that I was going to be homeless, car-less, living in the dark, with no water or heat.  WITH MY SON.  I worried every month how everything was going to get paid.  But with my worry it only affected me.  Somehow or the next everything got paid and is getting paid.  Even though I feared and worried, there was no reason to really fear at all.

The reason being is because me worrying is not going to get my bills paid nor is it going to allow it to make me more money.  What I could do was apply for more jobs or make money elsewhere.  All these things were within my control.

I promise you that I have applied for job that pay more and those that I well over qualified for, I still do not get.  I think this is for a reason.  I think God did this for reason.  Because I have learned through this situation not to fear.  That whatever is coming against me if I trust God then I have to trust God to work it out.  Because God working it out is the only choice I have.

It taught me not to fear about things I cannot control and go into every situation thinking I can handle whatever is thrown my way because I have God on my side.  So while I do not have the money, I have God.  While I may not be able to pay every bill, I have God.  While I may be going through a hurricane and it is breaking everything in my life apart, I still have God.  And with the knowledge that God is there with me, I know now that all is well.

I used to just say things like this because it is the Christian thing to say, but now I believe it because I have been there.  I have felt like I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and had no choice but to believe and understand that God was with me.  I had to have no fear, because fearing meant that I would allow it to overwhelm me, it meant I did not believe, it meant that I felt like I was being punished.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

And that is not what God is about, God was not punishing me.  My love for wanting more money was not important to Him.  What is important is that I learn to trust God unconditionally through every situation and have no fear.  It is important to God to draw me deeper into a relationships with Him, so that He knows that when I get what I want He can trust me with it.

“To whom much is given, much is required.”  Luke 12:48

How can God give you anything unless you have been required to go through something?  Why should God give you anything that you have not earned?  And how do we earn the things that God has for us?  We earn them by going through things and allowing them to refine our character.  By going through all of what I just mentioned it increases faith in God.  It always allowed me to let go of my idolatry of money, because when I worked at another job in which I made more money I felt that this defined me, and it had to be stripped from me so that I could understand that God was God and money was not God.

God will strip things from you that you put over Him or you feel define you, because He wants to show you that they don’t.  I am convinced that God wants to put people in high places, but just so long as they can remember God when they get there.  That’s why I am convinced God puts us through Hell and high water, so we can remember who God is where we want to be when we get there and we always learn to trust God in all that we do in whatever situations we are in.  Make Sense?  I hope so because that was a mouth full.  And I think once you digest all of what I just said then it will help you understand the hardships in your life tremendously.

Stop Giving Men Your Number (#TheSW30) Day 12

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Today’s blogging challenge was for me to tell you about my last phone or text conversation.  However, I do not know how interesting my last text conversation would be to you.  Instead I am choosing to talk about two specific conversations with men who were trying to get with me that I found particularly interesting.

As always, I feel my misfortune is made to share with everyone else in cyber universe.   I will start with what I think is a very funny story.  I can recall that this happened a few months after I had a my son.  I was out and about, I forget where, and a man asked me for my number.  During that time I would just give anyone my number.  I cannot even tell you if the man is attractive.

But what I do recall is that he gave me a call that very same evening.  And I will remember this conversation forever.  Keep in mind I had just had my son a few months back so I was not really used to dating as a mom.  When I spoke to him on the phone, through casual phone conversation I asked him if he had any kids.  This was my attempt to find out if he was the kids type.  And boy did I find out.  He did not answer my question right away.  Instead he started laughing.  For about 5 minutes!  I thought I missed out on a joke or something.

I then heard him scream to a friend and say, “This girl wants to know if I have kids.”  And he was still laughing.  Was this a crazy question to ask?  Did he not like kids?  What is it?

I soon found out that he did like kids.  In fact he like them too much, he had 7 of them.  And not just 7 different children by one person, but by seven different women.  I can honestly say this was the most awkward phone conversation to have.  What was I suppose to say to that?

I think he picked up on it and asked me if I was still going to talk to him.  I am a really bad liar, so I danced around the question.  I tend to not to want to make people feel bad.  But at the end of the day, I knew I was not going to talk to him again.  I just had a son. Me plus my son plus him and his 7 kids equal 10 people and that was way too many.

I did not even end the conversation right away.  I did not want to be rude.  But trust and believe that I was thinking in the back of my brain I was never going to talk to this man again.  In fact when he called for the next few days I did not answer the phone.  What was there to say? I think he got the hint and he pretty much left me alone.

But I learned something from his situation.  I learned to cut people off quick.  I used to entertain people I did not really like just so I could go on a date or not be bored.  But his situation was something that I knew was not going to go anywhere near.  I did not even feel the need to explain that to him.

I learned the obvious, he has too many kids and he has too many baby mamas.  And the least obvious thing is that he does not like contraceptives.  There are too many STD’s in the world for him to be running around having unprotected sex with everyone.  Those 7 women are the ones that got pregnant, imagine how much unprotected sex he has had in between? I did not feel that he was responsible enough to pursue a relationships with, and  to do so will involve too much drama.

The second phone conversation I will talk about is more recent and not as nearly dramatic.  I was at the gas station and a man approached me.  The first problem was that he was not looking his best.  But I was willing to over look that until I saw the minivan.  I am not all about cars, but I thought to myself “what single man drives around in a mini van.”  I do not know, I could be wrong, but a minivan is typically a family vehicle.

As he approached me, he did something that I noticed is becoming more and more common among men.  He asked me if I wanted his number.  Let’s think about this for a second, he approached me, found me attractive, and asked if I wanted to take HIS number.  My response was easy, I told him no, and told him that he was more than welcome to take mine.  I may be old fashion but I just cannot imagine myself taking a man’s number and calling him first.  I think some things men should just stick to doing.  They have testosterone, they should want to take charge.

I do not know why I gave him my number.  I was not interested at all.  I planned on not even answering the phone.  I considered even giving him the wrong number.  But great thing I didn’t because as soon as I gave him my number he called it, right in front of me   (another growing trend I have noticed among men).  I guess they want to make sure that they get the right number.  Once that was confirmed I made up in my mind that I was not going to answer it when he called.  I know it sounds mean, but I just wasn’t feeling it.

The family car, the unwillingness to take control, the lack of attraction (I am sorry I am very visual), I did not see this taking off.  I will give him an A for effort.  He sent me text messages that I did not answer, and in case I did not get a good look at him he sent me another picture of himself, which confirmed that I did not find him attractive.  Then he did a really “girl” move.  He send a “wrong text” to me.

In case you do not know what a wrong text is, it is when you pretend to send the wrong text to someone to invoke jealousy.  His “wrong text” consisted of him professing love for another woman.  I still did not answer.  I knew it was wrong text move, and if it wasn’t then why would I want him anyway, he was in love with another woman.

What I learned from both of these situations.

Do not give people your number that you are not interested in.

Just last week a man that I was not interested in ask for my number and I politely said no.  I used to be afraid to say no, I was afraid I would hurt their feelings.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Do Something to Be Proud of. Be Proud Of Yourself. (#TheSW30) Day 12

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Today's blogging challenge is to write about my biggest accomplishment.  There are so many that I thought to mention.

As God would have it (not luck) I had a very motivational personality from the start.  Despite my constant dating and partying in college, I manage to graduate undergrad in three years.  Up until my I had my son I would have said that this was me biggest accomplishment.

But then I had my son, on my own, and it changed my life. Once I had my son it is like something clicked in my brain that told me that I needed to be a better person.  I know it sounds cliche but it is true.  I first switched jobs which lead to me path to of counseling.  I decided to go back to school FULL TIME and obtained a Master’s.  I might say that this was my biggest accomplishment.

But then I remember that moment I bought my first home that was built from scratch, when I wrote my blog, or I think about writing my book. Some would say that this is my biggest accomplishment.

As I was talking to a friend the other day she told me that she was almost done with her Bachelors degree.  She started this degree well before I started my Master’s program.  I was equally excited to report to her that I was the same distance way that she was from finishing her bachelors that I was from getting my PhD.  Fun fact I learned from a professor is only 4% of the population has a PhD.  This alone would lead me to think that this was my biggest accomplishment.


Then I think of myself as a person.  This may sound very vein but I like myself.  Like alot.  But what I define as myself is a bottle of accomplishments and life experiences that made me into the person I am today.  This in conjunction with advice from the good Lord has really shaped me into a person that I love to be around.  Where I am with God, I would have never thought I would be.  I am closer to God than some older people who say there are Christian are closer to God.  This is not to brag, but to highlight another accomplishment that I am proud of.

There are so many things that I worked hard for and there are still more things that I want out of life.  I think to pull one accomplishment out of my life would be to down play the others, and so I will put them all together and make them into an accomplishment of their own.

My biggest accomplishment is being me.  It is being and becoming the person that I feel God created me to be.  During the course of my life I always had a choice to make bad decisions, sometimes I did.  But luckily for me that I made all of the right decisions where it really mattered, and because I did, I feel like I am a pretty awesome and unique person.  And I am proud about that.

There would be time where I would pick myself apart listing all the things that I wasn’t  and made a list of things I needed to be who I wanted to be.  But all of a sudden, it did not matter, I did not want to be conformed into what the world wanted me to be, but what God wanted me to be and with that came satisfaction.

I think so many people young and old are lost in the sauce of life.  They have not found themselves, do not like themselves, and because of it they punish themselves.  They settle for relationships, friendships, and the bare minimum out of life because they feel they do not deserve better.

This is why you can understand why my accomplishment is being me, because so many people do not get to that level.  They are too concerned with what other people think or are too afraid of success.  It takes alot to get past those two things, but once you do it makes you unstoppable.

It gives you the bravery to go after whatever you want out of life, and even if you fail at one thing, you keep going.  You keep going because you know yourself, and you are confident in what you were created to do.  Therefore, being you, and being comfortable with it is an accomplishment on its own.

Without this accomplishment, you may be doomed into a life in which you run around and stumble (click my here for me blog on stumbling through life) around without doing anything that ever matters, to anyone.

I feel, if we had to chose something to be proud of, be proud of yourself.  For the person you are and the person that God has made you.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Look Like It For Less.

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I have this thing I like to do that consist of going onto Pin interest, finding outfits I like, and try to imitate them with what I have in my closet.  I think this is so fun because it keeps me open to trying new things and colors with my fashion.  Plus I do not like spending alot of money, so I always like creating a fashionable look that doesn’t cost much.

Trying new colors is what I had in mind when I imitated Kate Middleton.  First I would like to say that I admire her style.  It is so good to see a woman, wife, and mother that looks both stylish and classy.

I had all of the things in my closet that I created the look with.  I got the jeans from the thrift store and I know I did not pay any more than $7 for them.  The jacket and shirt I had for many years.  I kept trying to throw the black jacket away, but for some reason it keeps creeping back into my closet, and I don’t know how.

The scarf that Kate is wearing I love and wish I could find it.  Since I did not have one like hers, I chose a stripped scarf that I had in my closet.  I got if from the thrift store for a $1 I think.

My look is not too shabby for already having these things laying around in my closet.

The next outfit I wore to church.  The shirt that I have on is actually a very tight fitting dress.  Since I needed a black strip pattern I used the dress as a shirt and then put a black skirt over it.  I sometimes think I should have grown up in the  60’s.  I really like the whole style of that era.  For this outfit, my dress shirt was taken from my mother’s closer one time when I was visiting and the skirt was given to me.  So the total cost of this imitation for me is free.

I recommended looking around your closet, you never know what new looks you may be able to create.  Also, if you ever see an outfit that you love but cannot afford, always check your local thrift store.  The clothes are affordable and you can find some imitation pieces that come close to the more expensive outfit.

Through every Bad date is a Learning Experience. (#TheSW30) Day 11

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I wrote about this date one time before. ( Click here for that blog).  But I feel this date was so bad that it is worthy of an honorable mention for the blogging challenge.

Just to give you a brief background on what happened before the date includes I met him online on Black People Meet.  He was a lawyer, a Christian, attractive, and seem to be everything I thought I wanted  He lived in Maryland I live in Richmond and so we decided to meet in DC halfway.  We Skyped and had a fair amount of conversation before meeting. So I felt comfortable meeting him.

We decided to met at Pentagon Mall.  I arrived at the time that was agreed upon by both of us.  It should have been a sign that he was not on time and I had to wait for over an hour for him.  I decided to go into the mall and look around.  When he finally arrived he met me on one of the floors.  For some reason or another my date wanted to go to Forever 21 to shop for himself.  It was in this store that I realized that the date was going horrifically wrong.

My date went in the store about his own business.  He looked like he was in the store shopping for himself.  I had to run to catch up behind him because he was walking through the store like he was not even with me.  While in the store we got into a crazy argument about a hat he wanted me to get that I did not want.

Then I made the suggestions to go somewhere in the mall to eat.  This stemmed another argument.  He wanted to get coffee and I wanted to get food.  I made a joke that in the Starbucks in DC they did not like to put enough sugar in their coffee.

This did not go over well.  He accused me saying I was too lazy to put my own sugar in my coffee.  When we finally did decide to get something to eat in the food court we could not decide on a place to eat.   What we did decide on was to find separates places to get our food and we would sit together.  He made it clear that we were paying for our own separate meals.  As I noticed us going our separate ways I noticed him looking around.  I did not think much of it though.  That was not until I got my food, sat down, waited a few minutes, and saw that my date was gone.

It was so embarrassing.  I had never in my life been left on a a date before.  I did not even want to finish my food.  I mean the date was going bad, I agree but at least finish it out.

I really should have seen this coming.  There were so many signs before hand while we were talking that signaled to me that he and I were not looking for the same things.  I would have loved to let go and let God, but not without letting him know about himself via text.  I did this because he did not answer the phone.  After I finish laying him out in a respectful not tacky way, I said God bless you.

This practice is something I always try to do when ending on a bad note with people.  Not only do I say it, but I try to mean it.  Here is an excerpt from my book detailing the rest of my date

  ‘“After I said my peace, gave my traditional “God bless you,” the Lord gave me strength to continue. The next day, as I vacuumed, I half listened to Sid Roth’s It’s Supernatural.  I thought that I was never going to meet a good man, get married, and that even the men who proclaimed their Christian faith turned out to be sheep in wolves clothing.  As I finished with the vacuum cleaner, my attention refocused onto Sid Roth.  I did not listen to the  show the whole time it was on, but in the last few minutes of this episode my attention turn to the screen as I heard Sid Roth say:
  ‘There's a young person watching right now and Hollywood has convinced them that if they get married they will be happy. I guarantee if you're unhappy before you're married, you're going to be unhappy after your married. It's not changing scenery. It's getting rid of the influences in your life, in the invisible life, that you're not even conscious of.’

  No one on television has ever spoken to me, but I knew this word was for me.  Sid Roth was reaffirming God had not forgotten about me and that He saw my grief.  I admit my disappointment because I knew the message meant more waiting.  But Sid was right.  There was some junk I had left over from past relationships that would keep me moving forward.  He was also right at the fact that I glamorized marriage and did not understand its true meaning or purpose. God’s was pushing these men away from me because I was trying to force something with them that was never meant to be. God made sure that any man that was not the one, He would rip them from my life.   So much so that the relationships could never be repaired again. I am honored and graced that God is not going to allow me to end up with anyone. He has someone for me and he will come in time.  When you pray for God to bring you His best, the one He has for you, then God is going to take that to heart.  He will spend time forming you, and forming the one for you, into the individuals He wants you to be.”’

This was the worst date of my life but yet and still there was a reason for it.  The reason being that I was trying to force a relationship with a man that obviously was not thinking about me.  And the worse thing is there are always signs.  There were so many signs that I looked over because he was a lawyer and a Christian.  But glad to say that I recovered and it was through these types of dates that I learned to stop punishing myself and stop getting into these types of situations.

Like Sid Roth said, it was not until I learned to be a happy being single that I realized that I could be a happy un-single person.  Because it is not about my relationship status to define me but how I feel about myself.  I feel that when you do not feel great about yourself men sense it and they use it as an excuse to treat you like crap.  This is why in a way I was setting myself up, because I should have not even been on the date with him in the first place.

But I got over it and can now share my lovely experiences with all of you people.  Through every bad date is a learning experience.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

What's In A Name? Living Up to Your Name. (#TheSW30 Day 10)

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My name is Sophia.  According to the internet the meaning of my name means:

“Wisdom; wise.”

The funny thing is I already knew this before I even looked it up.  It was when I was in the 8th grade and was taught the meaning of “Soph” meant wise in greek. It is crazy to think that this fact would have remained with me all this time.

I am a person who believes that names are very important.  I feel the Bible clearly shows us that.  He changed Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah. Simon to Peter, and well as others.

The reason that God does this is because He wants to give people names that they are going to live up to.  When Simon was given the name “Peter” God said, “and on this rock I will build my church.” Matthew 16:18  Because Rock meant Peter.

Even when naming my son I named him Gabriel because it meant something, it means:

“ God is my strength.”

Some thing that my pastor taught me and I can agree with, and that is there is power in words.  So imagine every time I call out my son’s name I am saying “God is my strength” speaking this into his destiny.

With my name meaning wisdom I think the name is very befitting.  I tend to be the more focused and serious one compared to other people my age.  Often times when I introduce myself people will give me the meaning of my name.  They always say “ Your names means wisdom.” And then soon my friend or someone that is with me would say “Claim it.” (Meaning claiming the idea of me being wise).

If God thought so much as to change people’s name depending on what they will become or sometimes even choosing a name for them from birth; then I think God knew that when someone speaks your name and it has meaning, the meaning is being spoken into existence over you.

I do not know if it is the name or if it was me.

“If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” James 1:5

The best part of this verse is that I can recall reading this at 14.  I was inspired to pray for wisdom.  I remember afterward I thought I would be smart right away. But God did answer my prayers like that.    The wisdom that I have now God has He bestowed on me as I got older through situations and relationships, and still gives to me still through different life lessons I have gone through.

I find it prophetic in a way that the idea of wisdom and being wise has played such a huge part in my life.  I thirsted after it at only 14.  It seems all the more reason that the meaning of my name also means wisdom.

Just a random fact, when I was younger I was not able to find my name on a key chain because it was not at common.  Then someone down the line, my name became the number 1 female name in the nation.  I find that funny in a way.  

I am proud of my name, it is pretty, strong, and it has meaning.  And that is something that some people cannot say.  It feels good to know that your name means something, and it is by your name that you are known to others.

I think I live up to my name.  But because I want to sound humble, I will say I will continue to live up to my name and strive to be wise (which is true).

“Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the LORD and turn away from evil” Proverbs 3:7.

No matter how wise we think we are, we always have to remember to be humble about it.
Wisdom I feel it is a foundation to many things.  Solomon was the wisest king and with it came power, wealth, and honor.  Not saying that this is the only reason why I want to be wise, but the fact that these things are associated with wisdom says something.  Solomon asked God for wisdom instead of wealth and because he did not ask for wealth God gave him both. Solomon was known throughout the land for being wise, even that he caught the attention of the Queen of Sheba.

“When the queen of Sheba heard about the fame of Solomon and his relationship to the Lord, she came to test Solomon with hard questions.  Arriving at Jerusalem with a very great caravan—with camels carrying spices, large quantities of gold, and precious stones—she came to Solomon and talked with him about all that she had on her mind.  Solomon answered all her questions; nothing was too hard for the king to explain to her. When the queen of Sheba saw all the wisdom of Solomon and the palace he had built,  the food on his table, the seating of his officials, the attending servants in their robes, his cupbearers, and the burnt offerings he made at[a] the temple of the Lord, she was overwhelmed.” 1 Kings 10:1-5

When I read this verse, this is the type of wisdom I strive for.  The kind that leaves people amazed.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Tackling Unhealthy Single Behavior ( #TheSW30 Day 9)

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If you have ready my blog, (Tackling Your Relationship Demons) then you know I spoke about aspects of my character that may not go over so well in a relationship.  There is something that I feel should be a new mental health diagnosis in the DSM V that I have thought of and suffer from.  And that is “ the only child syndrome.

As I got to know myself more there was something that I came to realize. I really do like my own space, my own private time, and I really prefer to live alone sometimes.  Sometimes when I have company over my house, even family, I count down the hours that they can leave.  It is not that I do not love them, but I just prefer to have time and space to myself.  I figure that this must be some thing that other only children suffer with.  We have had to learn to play with ourselves and entertain our self because there was not anyone else around to play with.

My hypothesis from observing my own behavior is that us only children have adapted to keeping ourselves happy and do not always want to be bothered with other peoples needs.

Or at least this is my problem.  There are times when I like to use my home as my sanctuary. I walk around looking any kind of way, dressed any kind of way, my hair looking any kind of way, and no make up.  I would fear if my future husband was to see my like that then he would run away never to be seen or heard from again. Sometimes I think, what am I going to do when I am married.  I cannot tell my husband to get out of my face and go away for a few days because I need some time on my own.

When you are able to point out single behaviors that can affect your relationships with other people, you will be able to manage them better when you get into relationships.

I am sure that when I met someone and get serious about them to the point that we are talking marriage, he will need to know that I do not need him to be in my face all of the time.  I Like my own space and freedom to think.  My future husband will need to know if I do not get that me time I will be a miserable mess that can make his life miserable.

With this knowledge of myself  I know that when dating the “clingy can’t live without you” type of man is not for me. No one is perfect and in each person is imperfections.  I do not want to change my imperfections in anyway.  In fact I have come to like the things about me that stand out.  But the key is for me not to change myself to be with someone but rather to find someone who likes or is able to deal with my shortcomings. That is the true meaning of unconditional love.

I think the biggest mistake we tell ourselves is that we can change for someone, then when we find ourselves in a marriage or relationship, we complain because we have changed so much for someone else and we are not even happy about the person that we have become.

Why go through all of that? Why not just learn, understand, and accept all the stuff that is wrong with you and realize that any person who wants to be in your life for the long run will have to learn to function through your stuff.  That is why it is so important for us to know other peoples; “stuff” before we get involved with them.  This way we can determine if their stuff is acceptable to us or if it is something that we do not want to deal with.

The same thing should go for your stuff.  That is not to say that you should never have to compromise.

I could spend a whole day watching movies laughing and making jokes to myself about what is on TV. When the time comes for me to share my space with a husband, I think there will be some comprise  needed.

Another person is living with me and sharing my space.  I would have to assume that I my not be able to have as much alone time that I was used to. And so I have to learn to give a little. And who knows, once I get used to sharing my space with someone, you never know, my alone time disease may get cured and I may not desire to spend to much time alone.  But one thing positive I can say, is that my single person behavior for the need to have my own space helps me cope with being single and not get to bent up and out of shape about it. .

I know many of us have seen those women who do not under any circumstances want to be alone.  They get into relationships with anyone no matter if the person is good for them or not.

So while I am single and alone I am free to have my home to myself, my closet to myself, spend time with myself, and I am happy doing it.  Finding out what behaviors you do while you are single, teaches you to cope with your singleness and the behaviors that are apart of you that your significant other may not be receptive to.  I feel, it is better to recognize  certain behaviors now so you can know how some of these behaviors may affect your relationship, this way you can deal with them effectively.

Friday, October 17, 2014

5 things that are Most important In a future mate (#TheSW30 Day 8)

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As I have gotten older and counseled married couples I have come to learn that most people do not look at marriage like a contract.  By a contract I mean that when you get married you are joined to that person forever.  Before you get married to them, you have to ask yourself, “are they good for me? Do we have things in common?”

You would be surprised at how many people miss this aspect about pairing with someone for life.  Of course you want to love that person but you also want to see how they fit into your life and purpose.

If you look at my blog here. You can see how God has put many people together in order to fulfill their purpose.  But I think you have to know what your purpose is in order to know what to look for in someone else.

Five things that I have learned to look for in a future mate include:

  • Must like kids and wants kids.  Obviously I have a kid so it is essential that they like kids and want more children.  
  • Must be a Christian.  My religion is such a huge part of who I am, and I want someone who has the same values and can raise our families as having the same values. 
  • Financial security and career stability.  This does not mean I have to date a millionaire.  But I want someone that is not at risk for being evicted and is responsible with their money.  I also want some one who is motivated career wise and know where they are going in life. 
  • They must be attractive.  I know this may sound vain, but I cannot get with someone  I am not physically attracted to.  To some people looks are not that important.  I am not one of those people.
  • Must be accepting of my son.  Since he would have to be around my son, I know I would want someone my son can look up to and treat my son as his own.  The last thing I would want is to be with a man that treats my son like an outsider.  

These are the things that are important to me.  I do not feel my expectations are too high I just feel that this is what is needed for me to have in a man I am going to marry.  It took me a long time to look beyond the physical and actually look at what type of person they are and if they would make a good husband.  I think having my son caused me to be more serious about the potential man I bring in his life.

So if I were to met a man who did not like kids and did not have a job, I know not to give him the time of day because he does not match the man I want.

I think every women should make a realistic expectation list of things they want in a husband. Every time you met a man look at your list and see if he meets what you want.  It will save you a lot of time wasting your time on men who will not be a good fit in the long run.  And make it easier to recognize the men who are better husband materiel.