Thursday, April 23, 2015

How I Stop Being Desperate For Marriage

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Image result for how to stop being desperate for marriageI can recall the days in which I use to fantasize about getting married.  I used to talk to all my other single friends about how much we wanted to get married and how wonderful it would be when we get there.  But one day something clicked in my mind and everything changed.  Do not misunderstand me, I do want to get married eventually but as it stands it is not that much of a priority any more.

Let me explain.  I am a firm believer in God speaking to people in dreams.  Not all dreams but some dreams.  There are plenty of biblical accounts of God speaking to people in their dreams and about two or three years ago, this happened to me.  I can recall the dream still so vividly to this day.  The dream was about my future husband.  I saw him.  Well not really saw him, I saw the back of his head and the way in which he was dressed. And even more so, there was a feeling that was associated with the dream.  A feeling of happiness and the whole vibe of him.  It was in that dream that I knew that the only way to my future husband was to continue on the path that God has given me to go, because I know that on that journal my husband will be there.

As I reflect on how I was prior to this dream, I can recall of how much time I wasted day dreaming and talking about getting married and finding a good man.  It really was exhausting and it was detouring me away from the real things that I was suppose to be doing.

Image result for desperate for marriageThe way I see is that when you get to heaven is God going to congratulate you on finding a husband or is he going to congratulate you on fulfilling your life purpose.  Therefore what do you think is more important to God in this life.  The time that we waste thinking, lusting, and thinking about marriage.  Or being patient, doing the things we felt we were called to do and allowing God to bring that right person to come to us.

I cannot tell you how many of the good marriages happen when people were not looking for love.  They were just going about their merry little way, and then BAM it happened.  I feel that when you go about love this way, you have a lens on in which you can see people for who they really are.  Meaning that if you are desperate for love, then you will take anyone and accept anybody, sometimes causing more pain to yourself.  But when you step out of the desperation and keep focused on yourself and what you are suppose to be doing, then you can clearly see the type of person that is good for you and that will go along with your life and life purpose.

Now as it stands, even at 31 years old.  I do not mind being single.  I do not mind telling people that I am over 30, not married, and I do not mind telling people my age.  Why should I mind?  I have accomplished many things in my short years of being here on Earth and God willing I will still accomplish more to come.

With that dream that I mentioned it was a knowing.  I knew this man was a hard worker and I knew he was a good man.  And most of all in that dream, it was not even a man that I would have pictured for myself.  Not at all, he was much better.  And believe me I have a grand imagination of what I want my husband to be and I have dated some pretty attractive men, and he was much better than that.

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The reason why I never thought of a man like this is because in some way I did not think I could deserve a man like that.  I was not reaching that high at that point in my life.  I was just going from day to day not doing anything really important or significant, so why would I get a man that was important and significant.  And with that dream, God told me that I needed to change.  He saw me as important and significant, and He could not understand why I was not living up to what I was created for.  Not only to get the man, but to get the many promises and gifts that God has in store for me.

And guess what, I bet it is the same for you.   You have to clear out all these negative emotions in order to get your direction and see what type of life God really wants for you.  And since God is the King of Kings, and we are his children (direct decedents of royalty), God wants to give you an inheritance.  But like all kings, He will only give you your inheritance when He feels you can be responsible with it.

In closing, instead of being desperate for a marriage.  Be desperate for God, and all the rest will come in due time.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Relating to Phaedra Parks, I have been there!

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As I was watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta (my guilty pleasure), I can say that I have been relating to the character Phaedra.  For those of you who do not know my son’s father was incarcerated for the past 6 years since my son was born up until about 6 months ago (my son is 6 now).  If you want to know more about this story click here and here for those blogs.
Image result for phaedra parks and apollo nidaIn any case it really saddens me how hard people come down on Phaedra.

Unless you have been faced in a situation in which you have to take your child into a prison then you have no idea how she feels.  Unless you are faced with a situation where your son has no father and his father figure is not a good one because he keeps committing crimes, then you have no idea how she feels.  Unless you are a single mother trying day in and day out to do the best thing for your son, you do not know how she feels.  Well I know how she feels because; I have been there.

I did used to take my son to see his father in prison. Taking a small child in prison is not an easy thing.  Taking off his diapers, shoes, not being able to bring any snacks in there in case he gets hungry is hard work.  And the most thing is the struggle in your head wondering if you are even doing the right thing.  No normal person wants to get their child use to the idea of a prison and thinking that this type of behavior and/or situation is normal.  When my son was 2 or 3 he would ask why his dad could not come out?  Why he had to stay there, why his father could not see him?  He did not understand why we would go to this guarded place to see his father and never got a chance to see his father in his home life.

I would get frustrated getting up at the crack of dawn not knowing if I would get a visit, because one of his girlfriend may have visited him already.  Or if our visit would be 30 minutes or two hours and having to drive hours in order to get there.  None of that was easy for me as I am sure it is not easy for her.

Not to mention that she is a lawyer and that is a bad reflection on her.  He knew her profession before he committed the crime and did he not once think that she may have repercussion in her profession because of his wrongdoing.  For myself, I was given a job as a correctional counselor in a prison NOT where my son’s father was.  The offer was retracted because I was visiting my son’s father in prison and they did not feel that was appropriate interaction for a counselor to have.  Someone else’s actions that affected my life.

So while everyone sees it from Apollos side, I see it from hers.  She does not have to do anything in order to make his life comfortable, he made his bed so he mine as well lie in it, and we cannot get on Phaedra because she is refusing to compensate for his mistakes.

Friday, April 17, 2015

True Love Is Made Up Of Imperfect People

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How many of us single people imagine that when we get married or get into a relationship that it would be some type of perfection that we have always longed for?  Sounds a bit dramatic right?  Well this is how so many of us think when it comes to relationships.  As a matter of fact this is how I used to think when it comes to relationships and marriage.
Image result for true love is made up of imperfect peopleHowever through my years and through my experiences, I have learned a valuable lesson, and that is that nothing or no one is perfect no matter how much of a perfect person they appear to be.  I would love to sit here and tell you that I would make the perfect wife to someone one day, but the fact of the matter is that I won’t because I am not perfect.  I have some issues.  I have trust issues, I have a problem depending on others, I am used to making decision on my own and being the head of my own household; all of which do not sound like such a big deal, but it is.

For myself I imagine that when the time comes for me to get married I would have a very hard time trusting a husband for my well being and future.  The reason being is because I have a mini family of my own, a son, and I have been living on my own since I was 18 years of age, and that was about 13 years ago.

It is hard to reverse 13 years of working hard, being independent, providing for myself, paying my own bills, and being the only responsible party in my household.  And these are just a few issues that I have, but with each relationship there are two people and with a second person, they bring whole unique set of baggage into the relationship .

Image result for true love is made up of imperfect peopleWhenever you meet someone that you feel you want to spend your life with you have to remember that they are not perfect.  Even more so you really have to examine their imperfection and ask yourself are their imperfection something that you are going to be willing to work with?  Going into a relationship you must understand that you cannot change anyone.  If they change their imperfections then good for them, but this cannot be our mindset when trying to join ourselves with someone else.

We have to hold the mentality that these people come “as is” and if we are willing to be with them, then we must accept them as is.  Meaning that if you get married and if the person has the same issues as when you were dating them, then you cannot expect them to magically change into someone else.  You are never going to find perfection in one person, the point is to get with the person that has the issues that you feel are tolerable and that you are willing to work on together.

I think I used to have the always the other person syndrome, until it took some deep reflection that it was not always them, but it was sometimes me.  I really had some past deep rooted psychotic tendencies.  If I were to tell you some of of the things I did in past relationships due to my deep rooted trust issues you would think I was a clever spy that belonged in the CIA or something.

Image result for true love is made up of imperfect peopleAnd it is not something that I can just shrug off because they are issues that I gained from past relationships, friendships, and interactions with other people.  So distrust has become apart of my regular routine.  With that being said it is going to take a strong man to be able to deal with it, and I am going to have to be a strong woman to be able to get over it.  But the key is to be with someone that is willing to accept and work with you on your issues, not make them worse. And as long as this understanding is between the two of you, and you both are willing to work on both of your issues; then this is what we call love.

So many people get loved confused with infatuation or lust; and as soon as that person does something that does not fit into the mold of the fantasy of the fake reality that we have created in our heads, we are willing to bounce and tell ourselves that this must not be real.  I am convinced this is why the divorce rate is so high, because of people’s unrealistic expectations of marriage.

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When people look at me as the 30 plus single women, they think I am in desperation mode.  Not knowing how many men I have turned down because I realize this simple fact about love.  I was not willing to deal with the baggage that they came with and they were not willing to deal with mine. So therefore I knew right off the back that it was simply not going to work.  Instead of wasting more of my years in a relationships trying to make a square puzzle piece fit into a round hole, I learn to let go early and be open to the type of relationship that I am looking for.

So in closing, love is great, wonderful, and can be a fulfilling experience.  But take it for what it is and know that you are not going to live in Cinderella land all the time.  With relationships comes two people, with separate issues, baggage, and downfalls.  The loves comes into play when you still care for them despite their shortcomings and are willing to be patient with them until they work through it.  Understand?  I hope so.  Until next time.