Thursday, October 30, 2014

It is Called A Break Up Because It Is Broken (#TheSW30) Day 19

  No comments    
categories: ,
Today’s blogging challenge is to talk about a difficult break up.  But leave it up to me to deviate from the topic a bit.  Instead I would like to talk about a “breaking up” of sorts that was really hard for me as I am sure is hard for other single mothers.

If you do not know all the drama circulating around me being a single mother and my son’s father you can click, here, here, here and here.

For myself I think letting go of the idea of having my family was the hardest things that I had to do.  When I first got pregnant with my son, me and his father were not in a relationship.  I was young having fun and what happened happened.  We were friends of course, I did not just pick him out of a hat and got all loose with.  It was rather a level of lust between us that just came to a head.  And eventually, I became pregnant.

Of course he disappeared.  I am not going to go into detail about that because I have written about it so many times before.  What I will say that by the time I had my son, I had accepted the fact that his father was more than likely never going to come around, and was prepared to raise my son on my own.

It was not until an unlikely change of events occurred that would set the course of things off.  A few weeks after my son was born, his father became incarcerated.  Call it my forgiving nature, but I decided to reach out to his father when he was locked up.  This went surprisingly well.  We spoke on the telephone and wrote letters to one another on a regular biases.

This type of interaction went on for the next two years.  Perhaps a little longer.  It was during this time that we grew close and I toyed with the idea of having my family together.  I think anyone who has child with someone, you always fantasize about having a”family.”

I could feel myself starting to feel something deeper and we talked about a possible future tother and all this other type of stuff.  Until I began to notice things going a little haywire.

I would go to visitation (which was a two hour drive) and would be told that he had a “girlfriend” visiting him by the guards.  When addressing it with him, he told me that he could not help who visited them and what they called themselves.  But the situation became worse.  He would tell me and he son could not to visit because he had other visitors.  He would get really distant and stop talking about the fictitious future we were planning together.

Soon after I found out he was legally married.  Still wanting our family to work, I asked him did he plan on getting a divorce since he had been separated from his wife for such a long time.  He told me no.

I am a Christian, and did not want to be an adulteress.  I think this was the first indication that I needed to let this go.  But like a fool, I hung on just a little longer.  That was until during a phone conversation, he told me about his girlfriend and the life he had planned to live with her.

This was the hardest or sort of break up I had to do.  I saw in this moment he had not changed.  He was making an already bad situation worse, and I had a decision to make.  To continue to fight for his attention over another women, or to go about my merry little way and resort back to plan A and raising my son on my own.

I decided to raise my son on my own.  It was hard at first.  I did not know if I would ever see his father again, or if my son would ever know his father.  I just knew that I did not want to be in the crazy love triangle.

For the next three years, I did not talk to him.  I did not write a letter.  I barely answered his phone calls.  This was not to be malice, but so I can regain my sanity.  That situation was emotionally draining.  My son’s father wrote almost every week.  In which I did not write back.

Flash forward to about three months ago, he was released from prison.  Even though he had a girlfriend, I could tell he was the same womanizing man.  Still wanting to have his cake and eat it too, from who ever would give it to him.

He moved in with his girlfriend and lived their all of like two months.  Yes this women waited for him for 6 years, only for it to end like this.  I did feel some sympathy for her.  Six years is a long time to wait for someone for it not to work out.  But then, I felt glad for myself.  That could have been me.  I could have fell into the trap of thinking that he was going to change.  People have a tendency to be one way when they are in prison, and then the real them comes out when they are back in their natural habitat.

Even though it was hard to let go of the idea of my family, I was glad I did.  I am not with anyone now.  But when I let go, I dated.  I dated a better caliber of men.  I learned that I deserved better, I learned about myself, and what I wanted in life.

Once I let that situation go, I got further in life then what I think I would have ever gotten if I would have continued to hold on.  That situation was taking up too much mind space.  Causing too much anxiety.  And the negative energy that was wasted on that situation was energy that could have been used doing something productive.

Now, my son’s father is in his life to an extent.  But I not longer have the blinders on.  I am able to see right through him.  I know now just because he is my son’s father, we do not have to be together.  I have learned that it is better for us not to be together.

If there is anything that you take away from this post, I want you to know that weather you are male or female, do not feel like you have to be with your children’s mother or father.  If it is not right, then it is just not right.  Move on and find someone who can love you like you deserve to be love.  That does not mean cut them out of your children’s lives, it just means cut them out of yours.

For those who do not have children but are in a crazy relationship.  Let go and let God.  All the more reason, there is no child keeping you in that bad relationship.  You cannot change anyone or force anyone to be something they do not want to be.  If they cannot love you, find someone who will.

Relationships are a two way street, if you are giving more than you are receiving, there is something wrong with that.  Know that this is not normal and that you deserve better.

To find out more about my life after I stop speaking to my son’s father for those three years Check out my book here.