Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Common Misconceptions and Misunderstandings People Have About Being Single (#TheSW30 Day 5)

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A few weeks ago I was speaking to my son’s father.  For this particular conversation we were having a rather heated discussion about something that I cannot exactly recall.  What I do recall is that after the conversation he told me that is why I was still single.

At the mention of this comment I actually found it laughable, and told him as much.  I think so many men and women who look at single people seem to think that our life is somehow incomplete because we are single.  And that the mentioning of our singleness is going to put us in some type of rage because well, being in a relationship is important.

Since I am not the type to hold my tongue.  I told him that his relationships was laughable to me.  It is really not a real relationship, I see it as two people who really do not know what they want who have gotten together all for the sake of not being lonely.  Just from conversing with my ex, he and and his girlfriend want two different things.  She wants to get married he doesn't, she wants kids he doesn't, I mean why are yall even together?

But somehow he felt the mention of my singleness was suppose to to hurt my feelings.
Here are a few misconceptions that he had about my single life that he does not understand.

  • I am single by choice because I choose not to be with just anyone. 
  • I do not get in relationships with people who do not want the same things as me. 
  • I am completely happy in my singleness. 
  • I rather be a happy single person than a miserable and lost relationship person (been there done that). 

But the misconception that he has about me being single is the same misconception that most people have about being single.  And that is that there is no possible way that I must be happy because I do not have a man.  When you really think about this reasoning, it is very crazy sounding.  That is because in order to be happy I must have a man and if I do not have a man then I must be unhappy and therefore my happiness is contingent upon my man.

But this is not the case for me nor should it be the case for anyone weather they are in a relationship or not.  I have noticed with my son’s father and many other people that I know that they are afraid to be alone.  They bounce around from one person to the next.  Every time they get ready to end a relationship they have someone on the side so that they can bounce to that person when the relationships ends.  And they somehow find fulfillment is all this.

Why do so many people associate a single life with a depressed and unfulfilled life?

I have had family, friends, co-workers, and strangers asked me why I am not married yet.  And the look they have on their face when they find out that I am not married is pity.  I can recall after seeing a distant relative after a few years telling me that they hope the next time they see me I will be getting married.

Forget all the other accomplishments I have in my life.  The only thing that seems to define me as a person is weather I am married.

That is crazy to me.

As a single person I have misconceptions about married people and those who are in a relationships.  Not all married or relationships people, but some.  Some I just see as needy people who have no direction in life unless it is given to them by a significant other.  This is especially true for women.  I had a friend who is divorced, and she told me that the next time she gets married she was going to get married for love.  I wanted to ask what was the first reason she got married in the first place.

This ideology makes no sense to me.  This is because so many people rather be in a loveless marriage just to say they are married then actually be content in their singleness and wait for the one that God has for them.

On the flip side, I have seen and counseled many married people who thought once they got married all of their issues and problems will come to an end.  They thought being single was the root to all of there problems and when they ended their singleness then their perfect life would be waiting for them on the other side.

As a result, those married people long to be single again.  They see that all the misconceptions they had about being single were false and they should have enjoyed their single life when they had a chance.  One married women told me as she was headed for a divorce in less than a year of being married:

“ I just miss being by myself, I miss having my own space and doing my own thing, and just wish I could go back.”

I can recall that it was through counseling married couples in turmoil that everything that glitters in marriage is not gold, and all the things that I hated about being single, they missed.  This is when something clicked in my brain and told me to enjoy sing life because it really is not that bad.

Misconceptions about being single are just that, misconceptions.  They tell us that us being single and alone somehow makes us incomplete or less than everyone else when it really does not.  Being single is just a season like any other season in our lives and I am sure that if we embrace our singleness, and learn what we need to learn during that season this can actually enhance our relationships, when we are ready.

In closing, do not pay attention to what other people say about you being single.  Do not beat yourself up about it thinking something is wrong with you.  Like me, I am not only waiting, but I now have my pick of those that I want to date.  I do not feel pressured to date just anyone all for the reason of changing my relationship status on Facebook.

You can be single and be happy or be in a relationship and be happy.  But your happiness depends on you not the person you are or are not in a relationships with.