Friday, October 10, 2014

Why I am still single? (Day 1 #TheSW30)

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Why I am Still Single?  It seems as if this is the question of the day among friends and family members.  I will admit that at one point in my life being single and not being married really bothered me, but now not so much.  Really not at all.

The answer to why I am still single really depends on the time frame that you asked me.  If I had to answer this question 3 years ago I would have said that I was still single because I was too desperate and needy to actually hold a real relationship.  Well I would not have said that because I was not aware of it at the time, but it was the truth.  

I idolized the idea of marriage over my relationships with God.  This was a problem, I have come to learn that we cannot want anything more than we want God.  That is a quick way for God not to give us what we want.  Why would He give us something that would take our focus off of him?

This is not to say that I did not date, because I have always dated,  but things always fell apart in a phenomenal way.  At some point I had to reflect on the reason as to why I was still single. When I realized my character flaws, I had to set to fix myself before getting into a real relationship, and this is what I did and what I am still doing now.

Now, the reason why I am still single is because I am single by choice.  I am  sure I can walk out of the door with half my body showing and flag down the first guy that I find attractive.  This would get me a “relationship” but not a good one.

The reason why I am still single is because I do not want to put myself through the repeated pain and drama of bad relationships.  I do not want to settle for men who I do not feel God intended to be with.  I have suffered the results of going about relationships that way, and it was not so good.

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.” Songs Of Solomon 8:4

I am single because in this season in my life because it is not time yet.

“ For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

This means that we should learn to be content in all things.  Happiness is not contingent upon getting want you want (see my blog here).  Rather it be a relationship, marriage, money, fame, or anything.  It means trusting that God has a plan for all areas of your life and even if we do not see what we want or see God working on our behalf it is about trusting that God sees the whole picture and He will lead us into a relationship that He approves of when the time is right.

It was hard accepting this I always wanted to take my relationship status in my own hands.  But have learn from my mistakes through the heart breaks that I have faced.  I have learned to picked myself up time and time again and not define myself by my relationships status.

During my singleness I have worked on myself, my purpose in life, and the path that God has set me own and now I feel fulfilled on my own.  I do not look toward a man to fulfill this need for me.  I am convinced that sometimes when following the path of God and you go where He wants you to go and do what He wants you to do, life just happens.

This means that if we are single, struggling with depression, sexual addiction, or your life is just falling apart around you; God is may be waiting for you to get it together before He brings you “the one.” (Read my blog here on is there a “one”).  He is waiting for you to get it together.  For myself this mean getting another two degrees, studying God’s word more, getting to know God, and finding myself.  If I had been married or gotten into a relationships before all that stuff happened, it would have set me off of my life path.  A relationship would have been a distraction and I would have never achieved the life that God wanted for me.

Does that make sense?

That maybe God is waiting for us to get to a certain point on our lives before He brings us the one, because He knows that if He does it anytime before the, then we would be at risk of ruining the relationships because we are such an emotional mess.

So just to recap.  The reason why I am still single is because:

  •  I learned not to settle for just anyone. 
  •  To be married before now would have ended me in a divorce because I was not emotionally ready. 
  •  I had to work on myself and get to know myself. 
  •  I had to learn not to set my man, relationships, or marriage as an idol and trust God over anything else. 

And these are just to name a few.  There are so many aspects that come into have a  happy healthy marriage.  I should know.  Despite not being married I have counseled so many couples that within the first year they were ready to throw in the towel.  The reason why is because they did not get what I am telling you now.  Marriage is not the end all to all your problems.  With marriage comes more problems and one must be stable enough to handle it.