Monday, October 13, 2014

No Fear With Being Single (#TheSW30 Day 4)

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When we are single there are so many unrealistic fears that we have about the future.  I know I used to be one of them.  I have come to a point in my life where being single does not really bother me that much.

“For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

Well that is not entirely true.  I know what it like to be in need and to want, and I have not been content.  But I use this verse to describe my single life.

When I think about the things that I fear being single, at this point and time it is not much.  Maybe because I am getting too old, tired, and busy to concentrate on something I cannot control.  Maybe it is because I been in too many bad dates and relationships to fear being single for the future.

But it was not that long ago when I had so much fear about the future and being single.  Let me just give you a run down.

  • I feared would never have more children. 
  • I feared I would never have help the financially. 
  • I feared I would always be alone. 
  • I feared my son would not have a father figure to look up to
  • I feared what other people would think 
  • I feared I would be an old maid
  • I feared I would not have a wedding 
  • I feared I would never know what is was like to be loved unconditionally by a man.
  • I feared I would never know the emotionally connection that married people have. 
  • I feared that everything would always be on me and I would never have any help.  

Maybe you had some of the same fears and perhaps you still do.  But with me being single as I get older I just learn to live with it. As I listed my fears perhaps deep down some of them still are there.

I would love to have a husband that I can rely on when times get hard.  Just the other day I was 15 minutes late picking up my son from aftercare in which they charged $1 per minute  was late.  Would it be nice to have someone I can rely on on these situations? Of course.  But it came a time when I had to face my fears and just accept what is.

I once met a women who was in her 50’s.  She did not have any children and she was not married. She was successful and a nice looking woman.  And most of all, she wanted to be married.  As I think of this woman, I think in a way I do fear of becoming her or at least I do not want to become her would be better way to state it.  Even though I am a single mother I am grateful at the fact that I have my son, even if it was out of wedlock.

In all honestly, that would be my biggest fear about being single.  To get to a certain age and to be alone.  To want to husband and children so bad and even in my 50’s still be alone.  For women who are waiting to be married to have children, I cannot imagine that as time passes by and they get older, their child bearing years fade, how that must feel.

I often picture my future as a modern day Brady bunch.  A husband, kids, home, and perhaps a dog.  And as I get older I guess my fear would be that I am not going to get it.  Or at least it was.

Even though these are the things I want, I guess I had gone about trying to have my Brady Bunch family on my own.  In some way, this is a way to alleviate my fears.  Even though my son was not planned, since having him I see this as my family even if I am not married or if I do not have a man.

I bought a home and am an involved parent, I have a good relationships with my son, and I try to raise him right.  So even though I had these fears about the future being single, I always thought I did not want to look back and feel like I put my life on hold because I was single. (Not telling you to go have children out of wedlock, just to make that clear).

What if by chance I do become that 50 years old unmarried woman. Like her, do I want to still being looking for a husband and getting all bent out of shape because I do not have one.  Even having a conversation with her, she was willing to accept any man at this point just so that she has someone.

I think, this is where having too much fear about your situation can get you.  I know if I continue to have fears about being single in the future. I would repeat past mistakes.  I would try to force relationships with men I have no business being with.  I would sit at home all down and depressed wondering what was wrong with me as for the reason
I am not married yet.  I would feel as if my relationship status defined me, when it didn’t.

When I was fearful of growing old alone.  It seems as if I put my entire life on hold trying to get, chase, and keep a man.  But then I decided to just let my fears go.  I envisioned my life and what I wanted and decided to go after it, man or no man.  I figured that even if I never get married at least I can look back on my life and say I accomplished alot of the things that I wanted to do.  That I chose to be happy even in my singleness.

So it was the release of my fears about being single that allowed me to free.  I know that sounds dramatic right.  I say that now, but if you check back in 20 years when I am 50 and if I am still not married, I hope I will still being singing the same tone.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

(See my blog here on the one who fears is not perfected in love). 

If read my blog or even this post I think it is pretty apparent that I am a Christian.  So to have fear about anything, even about weather I would be single or not for the rest of my life would be only causing myself pain. And it would be like punishing myself.  That is why it is better to let go of any fear that you have in regards to any situation then it is to fester in it.  To only continually think about the fears of the future and what may or may not happen would cause you to almost go insane.  Believe me I been there and done that.

Does it concern me that I may be single in 10, 20, 30, years or even forever from now; of course.  But I do not know if I fear it. And trust me, that is a good thing.