I was brought up as a Christian and considered myself to be a Christian all of my life. I can openly admit that me being a Christian has not always played a factor in who I chose to date, and I can also openly say that I have paid the consequences for that.
I have dated men that were what I call “surface” Christians or those who say they are Christians but do not open their Bible, have no idea what the word of God says, and even if they did; they had no plan in following it. I have dated those who said that they were not Christian and those who did not really believe in anything in particular. And I can tell you exactly where this got me. No where. It got me with a bunch of men who cheat, lie, steal, want to be with other women, and who disrespect me.
It was not until I continued to make the same mistakes over and over again, with the same type of men that something clicked in my brain and told me that I was doing something wrong. Relationships are not supposed to be all about me getting hurt and the man doing whatever he wants to do.
I once heard Steve Harvey say something very interesting. “If a man does not believe in God, then what tells them how to be in a relationships.”
Meaning, how do they know not to cheat? Not to hit or abuse their woman? How do they know how to be a man?
If you read my blog here on Boaz versus the men of today, Boaz was a man of God and because he was a man of God he treated Ruth like gold. Even though I love the book of Esther, the king was not a godly man, and even though he loved Esther he still had many concubines that I am sure he would have sex with regularly while married to Esther. In fact, when Esther was considering to go before the king uninvited she said
“But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king." Esther 4:11
Now I know the king had to be having sex with someone if he was not having sex with his wife, in order for him not to see her for all that time. But the king was not a Jew nor was he a Christian. What he was doing was perfectly acceptable according to his culture.
And that is how I see men who do not believe in God. Not only is this how I see them, but this is what I have experienced. The Bible teaches us
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14
(click here for my blog on unequally yoked partners)
This may sound harsh, but I believe that God did not want Christians to get with unbelievers for a reason. For us Christians we believe in a hierarchy in marriage. This includes a man having a direct line to God; and if the man is connected to God then he is therefore leading his wife and family into a place that God wants them to be.
For a man that does not know God, he will lead his family into a path of chaos and anarchy and do things that will only be beneficial for him. And this of course would be problematic for the wife.
Let’s take a real life example. I have a friend who is married to a man. She is a Christian and he is an atheist. She knew he did not believe in God when she married him. During the course of their 5 year marriage he has cheated on her with many women, given her an STD, and has come out as a sex addict. They have been to counseling through her pastor and he still has not changed. Why would he? He does not not believe in God, therefore why would he listen to a man of God?
Why would he see anything wrong with committing adultery? He is going to do whatever he feels is good for him, including banging out other women and having an illegitimate child out of wedlock (which he also did).
Let’s take my situation (you can read more about it here and here). My son’s father stated that he believed in a God but really had no defined religion that he followed. I knew this and went with it, because I found him attractive. As an end result when my son was 4 weeks old, his father went to prison for grand larceny where he would spend the next 6 years. During which time that I found out that he was married and he left his wife, for some reason or another while she was pregnant.
And to top it all off, he sees no problems with what he did or the actions that he took. He feels completely justified in his actions. This is because he did not know God. Because if he did, God would tell him all about his nonsense and how jacked up it was. And how jacked up it still is. And now because I could not look for the right characteristics in a man, I am stuck in a crazy situation for the rest of my life.
This is just one minor example of why I now want a Christian man over just any man. Because I want someone I can pray with. I want someone that when I am having a hard time in my marriage to be able to go to God on, and God will be able to speak to him for me. That would be very hard to do if they did not know God or did not want to listen to God.
In a marriage, God is the only person we can run too on our partner when they are tripping out. Even more so, I will have more trust and confidence in my future husband if I know that he opens up the Bible, reads it, and actually follows what it says.
I can recall dating a man that was Muslim. And he was very nice honestly, but our belief system was not the same. The way we wanted to raise our kids were not the same. The way we wanted his wife to behave was not the same. I did not feel the need to cover my head, my arms, legs, or any of that. And even though he wanted to get married, I knew we would have a major disconnect once we were together and I would have not been happy. I was not going to his Mosque, and he was not accepting my Jesus as his Lord and savior.
Can you see how this could problematic?
So no matter how nice he was, I had to let go. Why waste time on something I knew was not going to work. Why go with a man that did not believe in something that was so near and dear to me, and that is Jesus.
Going forward when I find that man, or better yet he finds me (click for my blog on letting a man find you), I know that I want him to be a true man of MY God first and foremost. I am Waiting For a Man After God’s Own Heart (title of my book) or better yet one that has captured it already. Because I know that if he is after God, then he will lead our family to greatness and not to the path of damnation. I know that my son and future children will be able to look up to this man and say “ I want to be like him” or “ I want to grow up and marry a man like him.”
I want a man who prays, who reads his Bible, who know’s God, and who will love his wife like Christ loved the Church. Not a man that sees me as dispensable for whenever the next hottest thing comes along. Because you see that is where worldly men will get you. May sound harsh, but it is true. Learn from my experiences.