What Relationships Are and What They Aint.

I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mind who is much older. She got involved with a gentleman in which after being in a “relationship” for a few weeks they  broke up.  She was shocked to find that only a few weeks after breaking up with her that he was in a “relationship” with someone else.

This was mind blowing to her because she is like me in many ways. She just does not jump into a relationship easily.  For myself, I think I have had about 2 boyfriends in my life.  Both boyfriend I introduced  to my family and I was very serious about.  This is not to say that I did not date, because I have, but boyfriends and dating are two very different things.

For myself, I will date someone, and in the process of dating them I will determine if I would like to get more serious with them or not.  Meaning, I like to determine if they are boyfriend material while dating them.  I state this fact, all to say this.  Both men and women of this generation need to understand what relationships are and what they are not.

Anyone can say that they are in a relationship.  However it takes true work to be in a relationship.  What a relationships is not, is you finding someone being attracted to them and calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend.  Then after a month or so, you find out you do not really like them, and then you jump to someone else and that person is now your boyfriend or girlfriend.

This is something that my friend seem to be shocked about.  She takes her relationships very seriously and those that she is in a relationship with, she deems them as someone that she is going to be with for a long time for the purpose of moving into something more serious.

Although this is how it should be, this is not how it is.  Both men and women will jump from person to person stating that they are in a relationship not knowing what it really takes to be in a relationship.  True relationships are beyond self satisfaction and getting your rocks off for the moment.  True relationships can be fulfilling if you let them, I am convinced that so many go bad because people do not know what true relationships are.

Relationships are not about you.  This is a common mistake that people make.  They get into relationships because they want to be fulfilled, because they are looking for someone to make them better, because they want, they want, they want.  This is not to say that when you are in a relationships that these things do not happen, but you are not the focal point of a relationship.

Relationships are about a mutual understanding of one another.  Coming together for a purpose that enriches both lives and also fulfills your purpose.  Does this make sense?

Some people who enter relationships are not really ready for relationships.  To be in a true relationships you need to have your stuff together.  This does not mean that you need to be a millionaire.  But it means that you should be self sufficient.

For men, this means that you do not need to be living with your mother, unemployed, and not taking care of the 15 children that you have by 9 different women.  If you are not taking care of your own responsibilities, the last thing you need is a women to add on to more responsibilities that you have.  And for women, if a man is not taking care of himself and his kids, then why would you want to be with him any way.

This was the case with the friend I mentioned above.  When she first told me about her potential man, he was not seeing any of his kids nor did he have a relationship with this children.  I tried to explain to her that being romantically involved with him was the last thing that she needed to do at this time.  Make him get his crap together first.  This type of behavior symbolizes a flaw in his character.  If he does not have enough sense to take care of his own self, what makes you think that he can fulfill responsibilities as a man and potential husband to you.

The bigger issue is that women do not know what to look for.  This or that they are to hungry for a man that they are willing to overlook his shortcomings all to say that they are in a relationship. Then they are shocked a few weeks, months, or years down the line when the man disappoints them.  Did they not see this coming?  He was a disappointment when you meant him?  Why did you think you were going to change him?

For men, why look for women who do not take care of their kids or do not have their stuff together.  And even worse, have more kids by them and then you are shocked when they are a bad mother.  They were a bad mother when you got with them.  Did you not see the writing on the wall?

People get on me because I am single.  But I am confident, and get offers on a regular basis.  But as a single mother, I have to look beyond the idea of being in a relationship and think to myself, is this person really good for me?  Will this person be a good man and potential husband or would they just be an added burden?

Yes they may look good, they may even talk good, but actions speak louder than words.  Look at their life, their past history, look at what they do over what they say and this is what would tell you if they are a fit person to be in a relationship with or not.

In todays world, 50% of marriage end in divorce.
This is for many reasons.  But mainly it is because people do not really know who they are marrying. They are so busy putting on a facade, or looking at the physical and do not reflect on if the person fits into their long term plan.

God taught me this lesson which is why I needed to slow my role on dating.  He told me

“Sophia, why do you even give half these men the time of day? Get to really know them first.  Do not pay attention to the nice words they are speaking or what they promise.  Find out who they really are, and then you will find out if they are the one of you.”

This may sound like a none humble thing to say, but God has shown be what He wants me to be and what He wants me to do.  And since then every person that I go with, I see if they fit into that plan.  There are certain things about men that I must have.  I do not like men who lie, cheat, steal, who have a bad moral character, and those who are not Christian.  Before I use to entertain such men, but then I found that there was no point.  These are the things that I require from a man, and therefore, if they do not have these characteristics, no matter how fine are, or how much their 8 packs looks good to me; I rather pass.

I want a man that is after God first and foremost.  Not just one that goes to church and fakes the funk stating they are Christian but there is nothing in their personal life that resembles God.

I am not saying that all women should be like me, but I am so tired of women condoning none sense out of men.  Allowing men to bounce between them, and fighting each other over a no good man.  What world do we live in?

I am tired of seeing men talk about how their women cheat on them and how much of a bad women she is.  I know they saw her posing half naked on Instagram, with man number 1, 2, and 3.  Why would she change that because she is with you?

A lot of relationships issues can be prevented if you refuse to get into the relationships in the first place.  A lot of men when learn to man up if women stop fighting one another over a sorry behind man and leave him alone to get his life together.  A lot of men would avoid trifling behind women if they look beyond her breast and butt implants and actually observe how she lives her life and see that she is trifling.

I am not saying that you cannot look for outward appearance for the person that you are with, but look for something deeper than that.  If a person has a history of having a relationships of 3 months and moving on to the next.  This is a red flag.  Something is wrong with this.  You do not need to waste the next 3 months of your life entering into a relationships with a person where you can clearly see that something is wrong here.

When you get into a relationship with someone, it is not your job to fix them and try to mold them into the person they are meant to be.  Leave that up to them and God.  If God cannot do it for them, then please know you certainly cannot make them into the man or women that you want them to be.

Just think about it, which one is worse.  Wasting your precious time and effort on someone trying to make them into a person you want to marry.  Only to be disappointed in the end.  Or find someone who is already a good man or woman, and the two of you growing together making each other better in the process.  Think about it.