Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Baby Daddy Drama And A Lesson On Forgiveness

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I used to pride myself on being a forgiving person.  But how many of you know that when you pride yourself on doing something, a situation is going to come to make that very hard to do.

If you read my blog then you know the situation about me and my son’s father.  If you do not and you want to recap you can read my blog entries here and here.

My circumstance is like a horrific situation on steroids.  I thought I had come to forgive him completely, but with him being out of prison, I feel the same type of irritation come up and cause complete and utter chaos.

To give him credit, he has been stepping up as a father.  But I cannot even describe the amount of disrespect and absolute disregard that I have had to deal with since I became pregnant.

I thought since he was sorry and he was regretful that perhaps he would be dying to make it up to me.  Wrong answer.

I have come to reflect on why it is so important for him to make it up to me, when in all honestly he has been making up to our son.

I have come up with this answer.

When dealing with him I have always made an effort to make our interactions better up until a certain point.  I had come to hope that one day he would see that and say

“ Wow I was really a jerk, perhaps I should spend my enter waking life, trying to walk on water and prove that I am no longer that jerk.”

Through several conversations that were rather heated on my part.  I come to realize that he is never going to understand the impact of what he did.

When I was at work, and he had the threesome with one of my co-workers, he is never going to see how much of a fool that made me look.

He is never going to understand that when I took his son to prison to see him in the early years, how hurtful it was to see girlfriend number one and two always on the visitation list.  And how he preferred to see them over our son.

He is never going to understand how much it hurt to find out that he was still married and that his wife, wished everything including death on our son, and he did nothing to prevent it.
He will never understand how much it hurt, to hear him say, that he does not love our son like his other children.

I can say it a thousand times.  I can write a whole freakin book about it (and I did click here).

But it is not going to change the drama that I have to deal with for the next 12 years.  And it is not going to change his attitude toward me.

And as a woman, how can I forgive that?

But as a Christian, I have to forgive that?

I do not know the solution to this problem.  The only thing that I can do is take it one day at a time.  If there is anything that I learned in regards to this situation.  I have come to learn that you cannot make anyone do anything they do not want to do.

You cannot make anyone feel anything they do not want to feel. And you cannot make anyone walk a mile in your shoes.  Does it make the resentment any less to know this?

Of course not, but as a person who is a Christian, it is what I must do, because I can feel this negativity separating me from God.

How can I ask God for forgiveness, when I cannot forgive others.

I come to think that God puts us in these situations so that we know what it is like to be in His shoes.  For us to openly do things to Him, like sinning.  Even though we know these things hurt Him, we openly sin in His face and ask for forgiveness, never knowing or understanding how much out actions really hurt Him.

I am convinced overall that this is why God wants us to be Christlike. So that we can understand how hard it is to forgive and love a world who neglects us.

Does that makes sense?

When you really follow God and do what He wants you to do when it is hard, you imagine the life of Jesus.

How he had to turn the other cheek through all the hate, resentment, and gossip.  All he wanted to do was what was right, but yet he was meant with hate.

With people who do not understand and those who wanted to use his kindness for weakness.

This may sound extreme.  But I can say I have been hated much for no real reason whatsoever.  But, I am able to move on.  As long as I behaved the way God wanted me to, and I do not have to deal with them on an everyday basis, then I pretty much go out of sight out of mind.

But what do you do, when the very thing that you have resentment toward is dangling in your face.  Expecting you to move on and expecting you to forgive, and they blatant disregard for their actions infuriate you even more?

God expects you to forgive.  I do not know how I will forgive.  I do not know how much time it will take.  But I know I must because it is what God wants me to do.

Being a Christian is hard.  It means doing what the world thinks is weak and putting on your happy face, when you feel like smacking someone.

It means loving and and praying for those who have done you wrong, even when you do not want to.  It means not just saying that you will do it, but actually doing it and believing in it your heart.   Something that I know, but something that is still hard to do.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Caged Bird (Inside the mind of a suicidal)

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This post was written by someone who was highly depressed and suicidal.  The writer wishes to remain anonymous.  I do not condone suicide in any way shape of form, but thought this may give insight to the mind of someone who is suicidal and dealing with depression.

The Caged Eagle. 

I feel like a caged bird, or better yet a caged eagle.

I am strong, I know I can fly, and I know  I am capable.

But I look through the bars of my cage and realize  I just cannot get out and fly.

I look at the sky and know that is where I am supposed to be, but I just can’t get there.

Day in and day out my owner comes to feed me bird food.

I know its not what I need, I know its not what I was meant to live off of.

And I just can’t get stronger.

And so I starve, and I grow weak.

I hope  one day my owner would unlock the cage so I could go free.

I spend all of my energy, trying to get out of the cage.

As I lay down exhausted, I realize that even if my owner unlocked the cage I would be too exhausted to fly out.

And so, I am an useless eagle.

Unable to do what I was meant to, and I lay down to die.

While I was in the cage, everyone looks at the eagle admiring it.

Never thinking or understanding what it was like for me.

Saying how beautiful and how majestic.

But when it died, everyone talked about the eagle.

Saying it was a shame and how it never belong in that cage.

But no one ever did anything about it.

The owner thought he was helping the eagle by putting it in the cage and taking care of it.

But he was really hurting it, by caging it and not allowing it to fly.

And so the eagle died.

And in it’s death it could do all the things it could not do while it was in the cage.

It could  fly and it could soar!

It was free.

That is how I feel.

That in death, I could be free.

I do not think anyone could understand that.  Not even God.

He is the owner of the eagle, refusing to let it fly.

He thinks He is helping it, when in fact He is killing it.

He is killing me.

If you or someone you know is suicidal call the national suicide hot line 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Friday, August 15, 2014

Trusting God, Is Not Always Easy.

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Trust is something that God wants you to have in Him.  The hard thing about this is that God is literally asking you to trust in something that you cannot see.  We often talk to God and feel His presence, but what happens when God has told you something; such as a purpose, marriage, child, or a situation that you have been waiting to come to pass.

At first you may be going full speed at the promise that God has told you.  But once time goes by the trust that you once had in God is harder and harder to keep. You start to think:

“ Did I hear God right?”
Is this (fill in the blank) really going to happen?

When I think of this I am often drawn to the story of Abraham.  When God told him he was going to have a child despite his barren wife, I sure he jumped for joy.  But then years pass, things didn’t change.  Then more years past, and they pretty much started to seem impossible.

Abraham knew that he heard from God, but then his wife thought that perhaps he had heard God wrong.  Perhaps all this waiting that they were doing was in vein.  God did not really mean that Sarah and Abraham were going to have a child.  Surely, God meant that He was going to use Hagar (Sarah’s servant) to bring them a child.

And so was born Ishmael.  This type of forcing God’s will started all types of problems.  One that would continue to haunt us to this day.  Since Ishmael is a key figure in the Muslim religion and there has been a war in some countries between Christians and Muslims since...well forever it seems like.

Sarah and Hagar were at war.  And forcing God’s will brought more torment on her than she would have thought.  She was forced to share her husband.  And this direct disobedience of God’s will, God stop talking to Abraham for over a decade.

When deciding to trust God there are times when we feel that we must act.  There is nothing happening.  Your job is not here. You husband or wife is not here. That child that God promised is not here.

So there must be something extra that you need to do on your part to hurry things along.  Even though this seems like the most obvious answer it is also the opposite of trusting God to do what He said He was going to do, by taking things into your own hands.

Going back to Abraham, when he finally got his golden child Issac.  God told Abraham to go and offer his son as a sacrifice.  That sounds all fancy but God basically told him to kill his son to prove that he loved God more than he loved what God has given him.

Think about his story, this is really some hard stuff to digest.  Historians agree that Issac had to be around 30 years old, when this happened.  Therefore, this took trust on both their parts.

Abraham had to trust that somehow God was going to change His mind about killing Issac.  Or after he killed Issac, God would do some miraculous resurrection from the dead.  After all, God promised Abraham Issac, and from him would be many decedents, so how could God permanently kill him?

Issac, being a grown man had to trust that his father was a man of God.  He submitted to being tied up and was more than likely looking at the dagger in his father’s hand, ready to kill him.  He had to trust that some how some way he was not going to die that day, despite what was going on around him.

Can you trust God that much?

If I were Issac I am sure my father would have been chasing me up and down the mountain side if he told me he were going to tie me up, kill me, and that somehow this is God’s will.

When you look at whatever you are trusting God for, it pales in comparison doesn’t it?

There are many points to this story.  If God has told you something you have to trust that he going to fulfill it.  And like Issac even though it look like you  may be about to die, you have to trust that not all is as it seems and that somehow someway, God’s promise to you will come to pass.

Abraham waiting for Issac, beyond the years that he and his wife were biologically able to have kids.  I sure somewhere past his 90th birthday, Abraham thought this may not happen for me.  I mind as well get over it.

But God is not a liar and so He did fulfill His promise.  And who knows it may have been done sooner if Abraham and his wife did not go about their own way and create Ishmael.

The morale of this story is to trust God.  Look beyond what you see and know that He is going to do whatever it is that He told you He was going to do.  You also have to trust that God’s time, is the best time.  And honestly, this is often easier said than done.  But you have to.  You do not want to go making of mess of thing, leaving God to clean it up, prolonging the promise that He has given you. Because now He has to clean up your mess.

Think about it?

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

A fine man can only get you so far, But a good man can take you the rest of the way.

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Every time I think that I am ready for a relationships it always takes an act of God (literally) to show me that I am not.

I always hear those women who say that they can look beyond the physical attributes of man and just pay attention to their personality, that is not me.  I have the problems of choosing a fine man over a good man any day.

For some strange reason, I have a very difficult time finding a good and a fine man.  It really seems that they are either one or the other.  I have not mastered the art of looking beyond the physical and I frankly do not feel that I have to.  Now if you are a women that is able to look past the outward appearance, then more power to you.  It is just unfortunate that God has not blessed me with that gift.

I thought that I was past my bad boy stage, but it seems like the thing in relationships that you think you have conquered will always come and smack you in the face. That test was the same type of man that I always fell for.
This consisted of:
_ muscle
- sexy
-emotionally unstable
- physically attractive
- does not want to settle down
- tall
- we have nothing really in common nor do we have the same goals.

But after years, this is the frist man that I am interested in.  I have written a blog on choosing love over lust (click here).  But sometimes this is easier said than done.

In my blog “ Will The real Boaz Please Stand up” (click here).

I gave so many characteristic on the real Boaz verses these fake man trying to walk around and convince us women that they are good.  I am convinced that us women have become so accustomed to the bad men, that when we see them, we tell ourselves we mind as well just take the pick of the liter from a whole bunch of bad men.  After all, most men are the same now a days, at least I can choose one that is nice to look at if he is going to be a jerk.

This is a sad way to be and a sad thought process.  I can relate to this thought process because despite how far I think I have come I still fall for the fine man, with 100 pounds of baggage dragging behind him.
For myself, I have come to think with my rationale brain. I must ask myself:

Do I really love this man or just his 6 pack?
Does this man really love me or just my backside?
If I was stranded in the middle of no where and I had one bar left on my phone, one person to call to come get me, would I call him and trust him to come save me?

If the answer is no.  Then, you more than likely do not love this man and he does not love you.  It is just lust.

When Ruth decided to choose Boaz, Boaz said an amazing thing:

 “The Lord bless you, my daughter,” he replied. ‘This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor.”’ Ruth 3:10

I do not know if Boaz was unattractive or just had low self esteem.  What I do know is that somehow, some way, he felt that Ruth could have done better. But she didn’t.  She chose a good man.  One that had a track record for taking care of her.  One that she knew could love her, because the encounter that she had with him from the very beginning were attributed of a man trying to win over a women.

I am talking to you women and also myself.  Whenever you get blindsided by that fine man that has nothing to offer you but being a nice piece of eye candy.  You may want to back off.  A fine man can only get you so far, but a good man can take you the rest of the way.

Monday, August 11, 2014

God Loves Imperfect People

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The beautiful thing about God is that He does not expect us to be perfect.  It took me a very long time to learn this.  I would often tell myself if I do this, earn this, or prove this, then God will be proud of me.

It took me a long time to understand that God loves you no matter what.  He loves you in the times in which you do not even love Him or yourself for that matter.  This may sound strange to you, but all those people who do not believe in God or hate God, He still loves them.

Romans 8:38-39New International Version (NIV)

“38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I love this verse.  Can you imagine that there is a God out there that no matter what you do, how much you back slide or how much you sin, He loves you anyway.

For myself, every time I messed up I would just wait for God’s punishment to rain down on me for my sin.  I saw God as a vengeful entity in the sky waiting to punish me for my shortcoming.  And if I could just fly right, then perhaps I could avoid any punishment that came down from God.

Do not get my wrong, God tells us that we reap what we sow.  Meaning that if you go around doing evil all the time then you can expect the same in return.  But I do not think that God is just waiting around for you to slip up and as soon as you do He looking to bring His wrath upon you.

That is not want God is about.

“For the LORD disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child” Hebrews 12:6

This is a hard verse to swallow.  At least for me it was.  Basically God is telling me that when He decides to bring my sinful nature to my attention by causing me to reap the consequences from my sinful behavior then it is because God loves me. Huh?

As a mother I have come to look at it this way.  When my son was about 3 years old, he climbed a bookshelf. Once I plucked him off the book shelf I began to yell at him to instill the fear of God in him to never even do it again.

I wanted to react to him in this way so that he could see how serious I was.  I knew that the book shelf could have came and toppled down crushing his little body.  Therefore, my reaction needed to be so harsh that I knew for a fact that he would not do it again.

Well isn’t that what God does not us? It is not that He wants to punish us because He is mad with is or hates us, but so that we do not keep repeating the same stupid mistakes that could lead us away from Him.

Just like I did not hate my son when I got on him about the bookshelf.  God does not hate us.  I do not care what you think, are going through on the outside, or what your circumstances look like.  God does not hate you.  It is impossible.

Therefore never let your past mistakes keep your from God or think for an instant that you have to reach some unrealistic form of perfection to come before God.    Because guess what, you will never ever reach it.

It is with God’s help that we learn how to stop doing the sinful things of the world, and we can never learn these thing or do them on our own.

I have come to think that God likes our imperfections.  He made us right?  It is not that He wants us to go around sinning, but when we truly listen to God and become a reformed piece of art it teaches us a good lesson about ourselves and about God.

Eight years ago, I was the hot mess express train ran over twice.  I would feed the flesh and live for self only.  And although I am still a work in progress I am no where near what or where I used to be.  And I could have never gotten there without God.

Even though I went through some very hard stuff.  I mean my son’s father was incarnated for the past six years (even before then he wasn’t there).  I really learned the meaning of being a single mother.   I would cry out time and time again that I needed help.  But for all those days that I felt no one was with me, God was.

I think so many times people can look at who we are today and never really know all the stuff that we have gone through in order to get where they are.

I was one of those people.  God always reminded me that “ To much if given, much is required.” And that does not always mean that what he requires out of you, you are going to like.  And just because you do not like it or just because you are uncomfortable, that does not mean that God wants to see your suffer for no good reason.

If you ever feel like any one is against you or no one loves you remember God does.  And God is perfect so there is really no greater love than that.  Who can be against you, if you have the master of all things on your side.  And even though, it may seem that they are winning.  Look beyond what you see and know that God would never put you in a place in which He wants to leave you high and dry.

I have come to learn that God loves imperfect people.  If He wanted us to be perfect then He would have made us that way.  So use your imperfection as your strength.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

If You Can Only Touch His Cloak. You Will Be Healed.

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For the past few weeks a Biblical story has been going off in my head.

Matthew 9:20-22New International Version (NIV)

“20 Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. 21 She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”

22 Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.”

I think it is so easy for us to look at this account from the surface.  We think yes a woman was sick and Jesus came to heal her, big whoop.  But like so many stories in the Bible they all cry out to us to get their message in a way that we can apply to ourselves.

You may not be sick or bleeding for 12 years, this is not the point.  But how many of us are going about our day, every day, living in depression, sickness, hopelessness, loneliness, and feeling broken.

How many of you may feel that you do not even have the effort to pray anymore or get up and do anything let alone search for Jesus?

How many of you feel that you have cried out to God time and time again, but have yet to get any response?

How many of you feel like you just want to give up?

Can you relate to this woman?  Can you imagine again that she would go to doctor after doctor treatment after treatment, that she would cry out day and night for some type of relief?  But it did not come.

Could you imagine how much hopelessness she must have felt.  Even as she heard about a man named Jesus, she must have thought to herself

“ How is this man different? How can he help my suffering?”

Like so many times, out of our frustration comes desperation and out of the desperation comes the notion that we must do anything to be made well.

So she thought to herself “ If I can only touch his cloak.”

Jesus had a history of healing people, most of the time though the touching of his hands, so what unprecedented faith she must have had to think if she can only touch him, all would be well.

It was a crowded day, she didn’t even know if she could make it through the crowd, but she knew that if she was going to be healed, then perhaps this man was the only man that could do it.

Do you feel beat up?

Do you feel tired of the hand me downs that life continuously throws in your face?

Have you turned to people and they disappoint you and you feel you have no where else to turn?

Well then I ask you, can you get up? Can you get past your depressions, sadness, and disappointments of this world to make it to touch Jesus’ cloak?

You may feel that you have nothing left. You may feel that you cannot get up and drag yourself one more foot. You may even feel that you do not have enough voice left to cry out, but if you knew that through Jesus you could be healed, then would you not try to at least touch his cloak.

I have been there.  I have been tried, weak, tired of praying, tired of trying, tired of no answers to my hardships, and when every one else has failed me the only thing I have is God.

Sometimes I think God puts us in position that looks impossible, because He wants us to depend on Him.  He does not want us to look to other people, doctors, or friends for advice.  He wants to put us in a place so that He can show up and show out.

Can you imagine this women after 12 years how hopeless she must have been. And in the one moment that she reached out to touch Jesus, she was healed.  In that one instant after enduring years and years of pain and sickness it was all gone, just because she decided to trust Jesus.

Can you do that?

Can you relinquish all control of your life and tell God that you cannot handle these things on your own?

Even though it may be hard, even though you may not want to try one more time, if all else fails then you have no choice but to reach out and touch his cloak.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Being Single is Better!

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This is going to sound really morbid or anti relationships but I do not intend it to be.  Everyone that reads my blog knows that I am single and I have come to be quite content in it.  In fact, I think I have almost became too content.  This was not always the case (click here to check out my book).  As I have had a series of bad interactions and relationships with men.

One Bible verse that rings out to be very loudly is the one from

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

“The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Before you stop reading I am not telling anyone to go and join and convent if you are not married so that we can spend the rest of your life in solitude.  But have you ever stop to think how much work relationships are?

There are good times in relationships but there are also bad ones as well.  Whenever you are married or with someone you have an obligation to always consider their feelings and put their needs before your own.  Relationships are about giving to the other person and the other person giving to you.  And if this aspect is unbalanced in any way, then it lead to frustration.

In the past when I first began a relationships it was all lovey dovey of course because sex was always incorporated into the mix.  This is why I stress when entering a relationship with someone it is always best to abstain from sex so you can get to see the person full out without your hormones influencing your opinion.

When you start a relationships by actually trying to get to know each other it is pretty freakin hard.  This is what the above verse of the Bible meant.

When you are single the only real person you have to worry about is you.  If you are a single mother like I am, of course you have to worry about your kid, but I am pretty much free to do me most of the time.

Meaning I do not have to ask for permission about where I want to go and I do not have to worry about a man living up to my expectation or my disappointments (relationships do have disappointments even if they are good ones).

When I think about past dating experiences or relationships, it sometimes just gives me a headache to think of how much effort, time, and emotions it took.  Often time I think to myself, “Do I really want to revisit all of that at this point in my life?”

9 times out of 10 I don’t.  And the other 1 time there is something about someone else’s relationship or a experience that makes me realize, “yeah, I am not ready to do this whole relationships thing again (see my blog on coveting other people’s relationships).”  I have counseled so many people unhappy in their relationships and marriages (both young and old).  Marriage can be great, but if you some how feel that it will solve all of your problems in life, sad to say you are seriously misguided.

Contentment in your relationship status is key.  Because if you can be happy single, then you can be happy in a relationships.  Contrary to popular belief relationships are not what brings happiness, it just brings more responsibilities and someone else’s baggage to go along with it.

I am not going to go on a anti-relationship rant, but I want you to see what I am saying is right.  If you absolutely feel that you must be with someone.  Then get a dog or a good group of friends to hang with (see my blog here on finding good friends). Do not force yourself to be in something that you are just not ready for. And end up getting hurt in the process.

We Fall Down But We Get Up

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 This may come as a shocker to some people but I can come across as being very judgmental.  I do not intentionally do this, but I think it is a combination of wanting more for others and wanting them to see things like I see them come across to others as condemnation.

I used to think that this was a strength, but you have to always leave it up to God to show you that you are not as fancy as you think you are.

I am sure that most of us have heard the Christian song “We Fall Down.”

It goes a little something like this “ We fall down, but we get up, for a saint is just a sinner who fell down, and got up.”

I can say that I was reminded of this.  I have to sit and think of how many time I fall and fall and fall, get halfway up and then fall again.  Just when I think I got a hold on things and I am not going to fall again, guess what ...I do.

Sometimes I can get so hard on myself because of my downfall that I carry on a grudge for days and days at a time because of my imperfection.

It was not until I heard God say, Sophia, that is the point.  Not that God wants you to go around sinning all the time because He doesn’t, but what God wants you to know is that you are not perfect.  No matter how many degrees I get, books I write, and how I try not to sin, I am still not anywhere near perfection.  I am still going to do thing that are not going to be right.

Do not get me wrong, God does want you to try, but I think God wants us to see out shortcomings so that we can come to the realization that we need God.  We needed Jesus to save us, and there is no possible way that we can ever live a perfected life no matter how much we try.

Have you ever heard that verse

“How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.” Luke 6:42

I am not proud to say that often times this can be me.  It is so easy to see other peoples problems and their situations and tell them how to fix it.  But when faced with the same exact problem you know how you are not supposed to enter it, but you cannot seem to follow your own advice.

But I have come to the realization that this is okay.  We are not prefect.  Even at the height of our Christian walk we are going to fall and get back up time and time again.  And even though God does not like our sin, He understands that we sin and He loves us anyway.

I would think that when I messed up that I disappointed God and He would somehow punish me.  This is not what God is about.  He recognizes our shortcoming and He wants us to learn from them and not beat ourselves up about what we did wrong time and time again.
We fall down.

Noah fell when he was a drunk
Moses fell when he murdered
David fell when he was an adulterer and a murderer
Mary Magdaline fell when she was an adulteress

And guess what.  They all got up. And now their names are engraved in the Bible so that we can see that we all fall short of perfection.  Some people more than others.  But guess what, it’s okay.  Just dust yourself off, get back up, and keep it moving.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Tribulation brings Perseverance

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Some faulty teaching in the world is that if you are a Christian and you think all good thoughts then nothing bad will ever happen to you.  Imagine how Christians feel who have sought to be good in everything that they do and always think positive thoughts but are still hit with a hopeless situation.  God never promises us that we will not endure anything in fact He says this

“And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:3-4

In short it says that you will go through trails and tribulations and not only will you go through them but these trails are somehow good for you because when you go through then you will become a better person in the end.

I often go back and forth with this aspect with God.  I tell God that I do not understand why things have to be so hard.  And if He knows all things why can He just know that whatever trail He is thinking about putting me though that I will pass, and since He knows I will pass then he can just forgo putting me through anything.

Sounds good in theory, but sad to say it simply does not work like that.  Even though God knows weather you will past or fail the test sometimes you have to go through the test so that you know God better and it can strengthen your faith.

This may sound confusing but let me explain.  If you are dead broke and have no way of getting money and no one to ask.  You pray to God and He provided the money for you , does this not build your faith in God?

Further, it is not God who is hurting us but it is the devil.  You see sometimes we think of the devil as a red beast with horns and a tail.  But the devil is so much smarter than you think.  He has been here before man kind.  He knows man, he knows you.  He knows how to get you were it hurts and make you doubt God.

He can make you think the reason why bad things are happening to you is because God is somehow mad at you.  The devil is bound to this world and unfortunate for us that he he has free reign to do to us what he wants, provided that God allows it.

It is not that God wants us to fail, but God wants to see if you are who you say you are.  Meaning that when things hit the fan will you still love him and praise his name.  Will you?

I often read the book of Job.  The devil had to come to God for permission to wreck havoc in Job’s life.  He insisted that Job would surely curse God’s name if everything he had was take away.  And so God allowed this.

As I read the book of Job I never realized how theatrical Job was.  I mean really.  I get that he went through a lot and he wanted to be put out of his pain and he wanted to die, but I think it went beyond this.

If Job wanted to just die, then why did he not say God I want to die, and lay there.  But instead he went on for verse after verse after verse, cursing the day he was born, cursing the day he came from his mothers womb, asking God why he had created him just to go through pain, and so on and so forth.

In this verse I realize that Job just wanted to get God’s attention.  And how many times have you done the same?  How many time have you cried out to God and said anything and everything (good or bad) just so He can see that you are still here, and to express to him how you feel He has forgotten about you.

I know I have.  Often times when I am upset with God about something asking Him why, I go on and on getting more dramatic as the time goes by. I can see myself as any Earthy child.  One who is acting out just to get attention from a parent.  This is how I see Job.

Job was so use to God being there for him that when things went array he felt that God has left him, thus the academy winning performance to remind God about his suffering.  And then God said basically, because he was God he could do whatever he wanted to do and told Job to stop complaining.

If I were Job I think I would have been offended.  But God knew that Job suffering was to build his faith in God even though it did not seem like it to Job.  And God knew that at the end of the storm that Job would come out even more blessed than he had been before.  The only thing Job had to do was just get though it.

I am convinced that God is saying these things to many of us.  He sees our pain, struggle, hardship, crying, and all the rest.  We do not hear him answer in the way that we like, but he is telling us to keep going and to just get through it.  This is against our human nature because we want to hear, the bad times are over.  You are never going to go through anything bad ever again.

But sometimes bad thing hit us back to back to back to back to back and it just won’t let up.  The only thing you can do is get through it and believe that God will get you through it.  And more often times then not, once we are through it, we can see why we had to go through what we had to go through and we are stronger in the end.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Letting Go of Grudges, A True Story

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If you do not now about my single mother story you can read it here.  But there are some more things I want to add onto it.  The main reason why I want to point this out is because I want to outline the important of forgive and letting go.

Of course I have said many times on this blog that my son’s father is or was incarcerated (read blog here).  I kind of gloss over the things that went on between him and I during those six years of incarceration.

Whenever I mentioned how far I have come since then and now, I gloss over how much drama and how hard it was.

After my son was born his father denied him.  I filed for child support but the agency could not find him because he moved and did not tell me where he lived.  The child support agency caught up with him and this is where he requested a DNA test.

I am not going to lie.  I was highly offended.  It is nothing like standing in front of a judge, lawyers, and going to a lab to have you and your son’s mouth swabbed for DNA.  It was really embarrassing to imagine what people think about you when you are put in those types of situations.

I would love to say that within a week our DNA results were back and everything was all hunky doorey.  Far from, to collect DNA from all three of us, court, and the results took a whole year.

Once the confirmation came in, his father said he was going to face responsibility and he tried, I guess you can say.  For Christmas he had a donation based gift sent to our son from a church.  The paperwork that came with the gift gave a list of other people who he had sent one too.  His other two children which I knew about, and a women, that was listed as his wife!

I had always been the type of person who said I would not have sex with another man’s husband. I think this is another prime example that what played apart in my decision to stop having sex until marriage ( see my blog here).  But I unknowingly had sex with someone else’s husband (even though they were separated) and this was one of the things that bothered me the most, especially as a Christian.  This was not even the worse part. His wife did not want him involved in my son’s life.

He made it clear that his son with her was priority and that our son was secondary.  I also found out while I was pregnant and he was incarcerated, he had a girlfriend. He begin to say that she could visit over having his son visit.  I would make the two hour drive and would be left with the possibility of having to leave because he had another visitor.

Arguments when back and forth about this. This went on for three years! And then, I got tired.

The main point I want to relay in this blog is sometimes you really just have to let go.  Because holding on and trying to make people do or be what you want them to do or be can lead you into insanity.  I really was on the brink of insanity about this whole situation.

Once I got my head on straight, and not having to always argue all the time about one thing or the next, I had to forgive. I had to forgive my son’s father for not being there when I was pregnant, when I had him, not being on the birth certificate, for being locked up, for being married, and for treating me the way he treated me.

And most importantly I had to take responsibility for my actions in the process.  I was not an angel all the time and I played apart in the way that things had panned out.  Mostly from refusing to let go.

Once I really did this I felt great.  For the rest of the three years his father would write him, draw pictures (because he draws really well in fact he drew my book cover while he was locked up), and call sometimes. And it wasn’t because I was forcing him either. I did not write back and if he caught me on the phone so be it and if he didn’t it was fine to.

And my son’s father began to step up on his own without me pushing and pulling him.  The reason why I felt so compelled to speak about this is because his first day out was yesterday.  I did not know know how it would go, I did not want a repeat of the drama filled baby mama/  baby daddy nonsense.

When I first spoke to him, I could tell that he did not want that either.  It is not that we openly said it, but the fact of the matter is, who has time to argue all the time?  I am getting way too old for that?

The point I am trying to make is when you truly let go of a situation it should not continue to haunt you and you should not continuously be filled with drama and none-sense.  How many of us always stay mad at someone for years and years and bring up the same issues time and time again.  How much of your life has been wasted on hating someone? Who has time for all of that?

I mentioned my situation because I wanted people to see that sometimes we have every reason to be mad.  But if we stay mad at someone the only person it is going to affect is you because 9 times out of 10 they do not care. My situation could have went differently, I could be in the same space arguing over things that I cannot control.  But I got out of it and have a peace of mind because of it.

Therefore, this is what I encourage everyone to do.  Do not hold grudges for years, months, or weeks about things you cannot change any way.  Make sense.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Who Cares What They Think?

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Something I have come to learn is you just have to stop listening to people.  How many times have someone told you what you needed to do to be successful in life, a relationships, or a marriage but their life is anything but harmonious.

I will tell anyone that what I am doing today I would have never thought I would be doing.  It just so happen that God knows me better than I know myself.  He knew my skills and what I would be good at long before I even knew them.

For myself, I always want to follow the direction that God has for me.  I never want to step out into something without knowing that God has my back.  This does not mean  going in the direction God has told you to go in will be free of hardships, it just means that when you go through the hardships and struggles if God wants you to be on that path, then He will find a way to see you through.

For anyone who does not know I have a self published book.  I cannot tell you how many people had ideas about what I should write about, how I should market it, what I should not put in it, or weather I should write it at all.

My book tells many personal things about myself that would be considered embarrassing to some.  But it came a point and time that I had to listen to what God was telling me to do or what the world was telling me to do.

The people that was given me feedback did not have a book and if they did it was not successful, I had to stop and think, why in the world would I listen to you.

I have had many failed relationships for one reason or the next.  I have also had people try to tell me how I should hang on to a man, allow him to treat me any type of way, or give me other stupid advice that would only leave me in heartache.

Once again when I looked at their lives, they had no man, or the relationships they were in sucked!

This is when I decided that no one else could be the master of my life but me, and the only person that I chose to listen to was going to listen to was God.

With this being said, no I am not married, nor am I in a relationship.  But God has given me peace about it and I no longer feel that these things define me.  I can now see the women in my life were so thirsty to be a Mrs. or not be alone that they are willing to do anything and everything just to hang on.

Guess what?  I used to be that woman.  It took shutting out the world and their ways to see that what other people have I really do not want.

And now I am happy being the way I am and not being the person that someone else wants me to be.

Can anyone relate to what I am saying?  How many times have you looked toward your friends or family members to define who you are?  How many time have you had to bend on the type of person you were to live up to their expectations of you?

And every time you have done this, has it left you feeling happy?

With my observations of the world, the world has come to be a very jacked up place?
What is becoming acceptable behavior to other people is not acceptable to God.

The world accepts promiscuity, idolizing money, anger, fighting, stepping on others to get ahead,  and living for self.  The list can go on and one.  And the refusal to step into these things you are deemed as being weak.

Is it weak to do what everyone else is doing and conform?

Or is it more weak to do what God is telling you to do?

Does it take more strength to step on those you do not like?

Or does it take more strength to be nice and forgive those who hate you and want to see you fail?

I bet Jesus was seen as weak.  He sat back and allowed himself to be mocked, beaten, and imprisoned.  Many people did not understand and probably thought he was crazy.

They would wonder, if God was really on his side, then why is he going through so many hardships?  Why is he being punished and scorned and why isn’t he doing anything about it?

Well I think it really comes down to this.  Jesus wanted to show us perfection, and perfection means love.  He wanted us to see that that as Christians we needed to show the world love even when we can choose to show them hate.

Like Jesus, he could have asked his father for anything, even his enemies’ head on a silver platter, but he chose to not.  This would have been easy and what most people would have done.  I am sure even those around him advised him to fight.

But he chose not to listen to other people. He chose to listen to his father and because of it we all have the privilege of being redeemed and the ability to go to heaven.

Although we can never pay God back for this, we can at least try to act right.  This means stepping out of the world not listening to what people want you to do and doing what God wants you to do.

When you wake up you should always think, “How can I please God today?’ Not “ How can I please this person, or make this person love  me, or how would everyone else respond to what I am facing?”

It does not matter how they would respond.  God wants us all to set ourselves apart.  The only way to do that is stop listening to other people who cannot even control and maintain themselves, and become focused on God.  If you keep your eyes on Him, then it really is not going to matter what everyone thinks of you.