Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Book Review Wealth Of My Mother's Wisdom

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I actually came across this book by accident.  It was recommended through Amazon as books I might like.  I almost skipped over it because of the title and I was not sure what it was about.  I read some reviews that were good and decided to read it.

I am actually glad I did.  First it was refreshing to read a book by a black male that is not about a whole bunch of crazy. At the time that I read this book, I think it was God sent because I really needed to hear some of the things that were in it. I was reminded that everyone has their crosses to bear but if you are able to get through them then there is a possibly of a great reward on the other side.

Why I like this Book.

I like this book because most of it reminds me of my life in many ways.  The author was born to a teenage mother, his father was not in his life, and his mother did any and everything to make sure he grew up with some sense.

Like the author I did not harp on my father not being in my life.  I like this aspect about the book because it shows that you cannot make excuses for being a loser.  He was born to a teenage mother and did not know his biological father. He did not use this as an excuse to roam around and wreak chaos on society via drive bys or being in a gang.  But instead used what he has been through as a way to encourage others.

Although the author geared some of his speaking toward young adults, the story in which he told resinated with me for a few reasons.

1. Because he was raised by a single mother.

I was raised by a teenage mother and I am a single mother and anyone who know me knows I work myself like a sharecropper to try to give the best to my son.  Sad to say there are many other single mothers or any mother for that matter who do not do the same.  I think it was refreshing to know that not all of a mother’s work is in vein.

When reading this book it made me hope that when my son gets older he would hold on to the values I have told him and not become a stereotype. I kind of gave me faith that I was on the right path with the way that I am with my son.

2. The other main reason I like this book is because of his struggle.

I think so many time when we see people who are on television or in the limelight, we really do not know how much they have had to work or how much they have been through in order to get to where they are.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am one of those people.  I can get self centered syndrome whenever I do not not see the payoff for my hard work as fast as I like or the way that I like I get angry.  For the author He went from being practically homeless, having no money, and still worked toward a goal he really did not know would pay off, but he kept going.

And even when the author began working for BET, he still did not have a clear career path right away or even money for that matter. In fact, he spoke about working at 106th and Park and still being broke because of his spending habits.

At the end of the day some of the struggle he faces are one that many people face when they have a dream they are trying to achieve.  But because the road to rough or hard, sad to say many people give up not knowing how hard others have worked just to get where they are.

3. A Good Black Man

Okay so I am going to share my age I am 30 and proud of it.  Because of this I really did not know who Terrence J was.  I did not watch 106 and Park with him on it because I was too old by the time he was casted.  I grew up in the AJ and Free timeframe.  Even though is saw Think Like A Man, I really did not put too much thought into researching the cast.

I say all that to say this.  After reading the book I am now a fan.  It was refreshing to see a black man say something that is actually worth reading that does not consists of banging out chicks, playing women, or doing drive bys.  It told a story of an ordinary black man born to a teenage mother that raised him right, and he went on to do extraordinarily things.

The bigger picture is that he did not get stuck or lost in the entertainment industry but continued to grow have a plan and keep moving forward..

What I took from this book and what anyone can take from this book is to just keep working.  When I say reading this book came at the right time it did.  I was overwhelmed by my PhD work (still am), being a single mother, money, trying to publish my book, my blog stuff, my job, and still doing the things I feel God called me to do.  I was running on E.  But reading someone else running on E and still reaching their destination made me feel like I could keep going.  Never think your dream it too big, God  gave it to you for a reason.

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Well This Is LOVE!

For people who are single we waste so much time trying to find love, keep love, and stay in love.  It was not until recently that I was remained that love is all around us.  I have come to think that if we are not to able to recognize love in our every day lives, when we get into relationships how can we be able to recognize true love when we find it?

According to the Bible

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

I can think of all of my past relationships and can say that I have not encountered anything that was describe in this passage.  I wrecked my brain to try to find out if this type of love is even real.  I know that God’s love me and that I love God, but I am not ashamed to admit that I sometimes I have frustrations with God that does not reflect the Biblical form of love.  I will put this on myself, and my struggle with understanding God’s purpose and how I get frustrated with him when He does not give me what I want.

Not getting side tracked, but I still thought about this perfect idea of love and I quickly realize that there was someone I love.  A love that is a perfect  and this is my son.  Do not misunderstand me.  I am not saying that I love my son more than God, but what I am saying is that my love for my son is closer to something that I can feel and understand as being true love.

Every time I look at him, every time I see him, every time I speak to him.... I love him.  It was through this understanding of my love for him that I began to understand what true love is.  Or better yet, it gave me a better understanding of how God loves us.

This may be a a reach but I think sometimes God gave us the ability to have children just so we can understand or begin to understand the love that God has for us.

“38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Just like this verse, I am convinced that nothing in this world is going to separate my love from my son.  It does not mean I am okay  if he is doing something wrong, bad, or disobeying.  Even though I may rebuke him, as God often does to us, I still love him.  The rebuke that I give him is often for his own good.

Before I go off in a tangent there are a few points that I want to prove by what I just said.

The first is that so many people look and search for love in all the wrong places.  Then they get all down out and super depressed when they cannot find it.  It is okay, I used to be that way.

The point I am trying to make is that no matter who you are there is someone out there who loves you and someone who you love.  It could be your kids, parents, family, grandmother, or even your dog!

It is much more beneficial to look at our surroundings and be content in the wonderful types of love that is around us as oppose to searching for something, not finding it, and then getting mad because we feel that we are unlovable. This idea alone causes us to beat ourselves up and causes us to sink down into a needy depression state and can even cause us to run after people who do not love us just so that we do not feel lonely.

If you are a person that cannot find a person that loves you or that you love.  Then take heart, God loves you.  Even though it may be hard to see or understand it all the time.  He does and that should give you peace.  If it doesn’t then perhaps you should try to grow in your relationship and understanding with God so that you can better understand His love.

Love does not mean getting what you want.  Check out my blog here for more on this.  Just as I mentioned that I am a mother.  I am not going to let my son eat junk food all day, draw on my wall, and just simply be bad because this is what he wants to do.

It may make him happy to do these things but that does not mean he should do them.  How many of us can relate to this aspect with God.  Because you do not have more money, are not  married, or because you do not have the things you have prayed for then you feel that God does not love.  Or better yet, when you are doing something crazy and you reap the consequences for it, you want to say God does not love you because you got fired, went to jail, got into trouble for something that YOU DID.

God loves you, but He is not going to allow you to go around doing whatever it is that you want to do just because He loves you.  And if you base weather God loves you or not on what you perceive you are or are not getting, then you have this whole Christian thing wrong.

It is okay, I am sometimes and was one of those people.  If you have read my book, you know there was a time where I really wanted to get married.  I saw everyone else getting married while I was sitting here struggling with my son and my life all on my own.  I was getting mad at God feeling like He past me by because I really wanted to be married and I wasn’t.

I would go into a self pity party about how lonely I was and how I did not have anyone to love me or love any one, and went on for hours, days, weeks, years, about the same nonsense.

All the while the most perfect love was right in front of my face.  God and a more tangible type of love my son.

I am so sure that it was not until I could better understand what love is and is not that God could not bring me love.  I needed to be able to recognize the love around me before I could make an attempt of trying to be in a romantic situation with someone else.  This is probably why I have had the most horrific relationships.  I did not understand or recognize love nor did the person I was with.

The end result was two people hurting one another and passing it off as a real relationship.  Then when we did not feel we were getting the love that we needed from one another, the relationship was over.

I repeated this pattern many times, only to end in my frustration.

My point is this.  There is love in many ways shapes and form.  It is best to find, recognize, and appreciate these types of love and when we do we will find a new form of being content.

Monday, September 29, 2014

I Have The Ability

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When people meet me, they think I am frail, they think I am weak, and they think I will fail.

When people see me, they judge me, laugh at me, and do anything they can to get in my way.

But I know something they don’t, and I see things they can’t.

I have the ability.

As I walk with my head held high, I am secure in myself, they can’t make me cry.

As they watch me and see me.

They think I should conform to their world, but I make them conform to mine.

With my head held high, My heels clicking the ground, I pass everyone by.

A sophisticated poise I have the ability, I feel I can fly.

I am in the world, but not of it.. You want to conform, and I want to stand out.

I have the ability to be what I was created to be.
As I walk on a path paved by God himself. You’ll see.

I have the ability to be great, and because I believe.

 I have the ability to achieve what I want to achieve.

With my head held high and my cheek on my hand, I have the ability to intimidate you with a glance.

I do not have to shout and I do not have to fight, I have all this great ability through the power of my mind.

I think therefore I am, and I am therefore I know, I have the ability and through every pore of my skin and it shows.

So why they may laugh, bully, and make fun of me; they do not realize that they are in bondage and I am set free.

I have the ability to do what I want, and with my ability I sleep with the stars.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The Whole First Chapter Of My Book. "Waiting For A Man After God's Own Heart."

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Ch. 1 . A Season for Change, A World Turned Upside Down.

If you are like me, then I know you are wondering where is Mr. Right? Each day, as you get older, life gets lonelier, and you wonder day in and day out if today is the day you are going to meet your prince charming?  You see all of your friends getting married, you watch person after person be happy, live happily ever after, get pregnant, and post all of their happy memories on Facebook! It seems like I have been like this for years.  For longer than I can remember I have been praying, hoping, and wishing; only to be let down with one disappointment after another. With every year and day that passes by, with what seems like no change in my personal life whatsoever.  For God to give me what I really longed for seem so out of reach.

As I have matured, I look back now, and I feel that I am getting closer. I know this because I reflect on what God has done in my life, why He has done it, and where He is leading me.  This is something I never did before.  Before; I just made demands on God; and thought that as long as I followed Him, He would…no that He should give me what I wanted. As a matter of fact, I still struggle with this sometimes. I think the only difference now is that deep down I know better, and I am able to quickly see and recognize God’s plan for my life, despite my own selfish desires.

It is quite funny, because through all my desires in getting married, I followed God.  I know you may be asking yourself what is so funny about this.  Well, it is funny because all I wanted was a husband. I would do every little thing that I felt God was telling me to do, thinking that it would please God and He would bring me my man. It wasn’t until one day I looked up and I was changed.  I was no longer the woman, or should I say the girl, I once was. I became an educated and sophisticated, woman of God. I had been through hardships, pain, and everything else under the sun.  Sometimes I didn’t think I would make it and I even felt as though God abandoned me during those times. But yet here I stood, exactly where God wanted me to be.

I think I will start from the beginning of the end, which is what I call “the eye of the storm.”  The eye is in the middle of the storm and is considered to be the calmest part.  But even though I was in the calmest part, there were storms raging all around me, and the only way to get out of the eye was to go directly into the storm.

During that time, I worked for a mental health organization.  The place where I worked was headed by a couple that used Pastor a Church. The husband was asked to step down from the church after getting a woman other than his wife, pregnant.  His wife opted to leave him, and the Pastor married his mistress.  He and his new wife started the mental health agency, I found myself working at.
You can change the environment but you cannot change the man, because even as a leader of a mental health agency, many rumors circulated about the way things were done, and the way their people were treated. I learned that there are people who say they are Christians, but do not seemingly follow God’s ways.  Instead they follow the religion and call themselves Christians.  This organization and some of the people in it were prime examples of that.

I can say at that time, although I wanted to be married I was not ready to be married; I know that now.  This was just one of many preparation phases for me, the beginning of my world being transformed. As I mentioned the organization in which I worked was bad but I also have to be honest and say that I was not without my own sin. I had just turned 28 and had been having relations with a man, Gary, for the past two years.  He was much older than I was, 12 years to be exact. I had been growing in my spiritual growth with God.  I can say that because of this, Gary, was not really on my radar as much as he used to be. Throughout our two year affair, things were finally fading with him. I attribute this to all of the things that we had been through in relation to the job and all the drama I felt he was somewhat responsible for. Needless to say, I was ready to move on.

You see, he was someone that I had known for a while, about 5 years.  Two and a half years at our past job and two and a half years at the new agency.  However, it was not until I switched positions to this new agency that we really connected.  At that time, I think I wanted to believe his story of being single even though he lived with a woman for 6 years! And I knew this! I think women tend to believe what we want all for the sake of thinking it might work; even though all the evidence is saying that this man is a dog.  At the time I thought he was my friend; I thought I could trust him.  There was no doubt in my mind of this. But in the three years I was there, things started to get very REAL for me, as my world started crumbling down.  I had been having an encounter with what I believe was the Jezebel spirit, and she was my supervisor.  She had her sights on Gary and since I was associated with him this meant that she and I were destined to not get along.

For those who are not familiar with the Jezebel spirit in the Bible. Revelations 2:20 says that she calls herself a prophetess, and she teaches and leads God’s servants astray.

You may think that I am being dramatic.  But you must understand that spirits dwell in people and their head does not have to spin around and they do not have to spit vomit for a spirit to be in them.  For the Jezebel spirit, I feel this sprit causes one to be jealous, controlling, even when unreasonably so (Read 1 Kings Chapters 9 – 22 for more depiction on the Jezebel Spirit).  I could not explain her personality in the fullness in writing; that would take up nearly half the book.  Like the Jezebel in the Bible, people seem to fear her and allow her to do what she wanted, often times at the expense of others.

When I saw that she liked Gary, I knew her, and I knew that it could get bad for me if she even found out I knew him; let alone had anything deeper.  I was in the parking lot  one day at our workplace and she was looking out of the window.  I was coming into work and Gary stopped his car to talk to me.  Little did I know that this is one of many minor events that would come back to haunt me.  Another was when an employee, who lived in the same apartment complex, observed Gary, leaving my apartment early hours of the morning.  He, for some reason, decided to share it with my supervisor.  This is when all hell hit the fan.

It, first, became concerning when she would go up to other employees and ask them if they knew the nature of our relationship.  It really became concerning when in her late 30’s she became a Facebook stalker on his page and began to regulate what I posted on his wall and demanded he “unfriend” me.  Over time it got progressively worse.  In the beginning I told him not to tell her that we communicated.  I knew that she would set to get me fired, because anytime she was jealous or uneasy about someone (mainly women), this is what happened.  I was not the first woman that she had an issue with, and I know that now that I am gone I am not the last.  She would plot against them, bully them, and they would leave or be fired.

I thought she was crazy. Just to give you an example of how I drew this conclusion, one day after I got my tattoo on my back and she saw it, a day later she went to the same tattoo artist and tried to get the SAME EXACT TATTOO.  We were not even friends, as a matter fact she hated me.  There were times that she chased me down in the hallway, literally, stating that I refused to speak to her.  I did wave, but she felt that this was not good enough.  I will be honest that I never really felt comfortable around her, and it showed.  I felt as if something repelled me from her. Call it discernment or whatever, but I never was drawn to be close to her.

At one point it came a time for me to be obedient to God.  At my church, I must make mention that there is a deep belief in prophetic ministry.  On this particular night there was a prophetic ministry which we called “Impact Night.”  During “Impact Night,” we all prayed and seek to receive a personal message from the Lord, through trained prophetic ministers.   I wanted her to come, well not really, but God told me that I needed to invite her. Not so that they can tell her about her spirit (because my church is never mean) but so that she could receive a word of revelation and direction.  I believed in my church, and if I was a Christian, I needed to try to make things right.  So I invited her to church and she attended.

For the past few years her daughter had been struggling with a serious illness.  She would get so ill that she would on occasion need hospitalization. After receiving her prophecy that night, my supervisor stated that she had intentionally not brought her daughter’s medication nor did she give her food so that she could be healed….by God!  The members of my church explained how this could be very dangerous and can be seen as a way into tempting God.  I feel what my church meant by this, was praying for a healing is one thing, but to actually deny your child of medication in attempts to force God to heal your child is another. But my supervisor did not seem to care.  This was her nature, somewhat irrational.

I received a prophesy that night about how God was proud of me.  For months prior to that night I had been fasting periodically (no food only water), praying, and really trying to be one with God.  The women giving my prophetic word spoke about how God was soon bringing me a king (I found out soon really meant 1-3 years in a prophetic training I attended). I think my supervisor felt like the message was about, Gary; I knew that it wasn’t.  I had already made up my mind to leave him alone; he was so far from what I wanted that I had let that situation go. Also, if God was giving me a word about him, I do not know what in her right mind would think that she could stop it. But that didn’t stop her jealously, and it did not stop her from trying.  Also unbeknownst to me, in my prophetic word was a hidden message about hardship to come and how God had my back and he was not going to let me down.

I wondered then what that was about, because everything had been going so well. A week later, I found out. After my three years several months and never being written up I was told that due to having no clients to assign me, I would be laid off. As I stood before the owner’s wife and she told me nonsense upon nonsense, for the justification of doing this.  But the nature of the Jezebel spirit; causes chaos and influences those around it. I was an angry, seeing how I had never received a negative review, that I would be one of the first to be laid off.  But I knew that I had to say God bless her, out loud, to her.  Not for her, but for me, I was taught that when you do this to those who persecute you, the blessing returns if the one you blessed is not deserving of it.   As I left, as stated in Matthew 10:14 I literally stood at the front door of  the building“wiped the dust from my feet” never to return again.

Although I wondered why God had done this, I knew that He was still with me.  I was supposed to close on my home in less than a week.  A brand new townhome that I had built and I had no job.  Once the mortgage company found out, I almost lost my home.  I asked my mother to co-sign for me, which she never does for anyone not even her own daughter.  But I prayed so hard.  I knew what was meant for me was going to be for me, and that God was true and let everyman be a liar (Romans 3:4).  I prayed that over and over.  I knew the devil was not going to steal my joy and what I worked so hard for.  I got a call saying that my mother had decided to co-sign on the home.

During the time I was praying my mother received a call from my first step father (they are divorced but later on in life became friends).  He owned many homes, and told my mother he had loaned his nephew a substantial amount of money.  He told my mother that he could not tell her what to do; but that he hoped after he told his story she would change her mind.  And she did!!!  Praise GOD!!! I closed on my home a month and a half later, and my mother received a $10,000 salary increase on her job less than a week after she made that choice.

With this I knew that God had not given up on me even though it felt like it.  I was used to working so much, going to school full time for my Masters, that I could not see that God was giving me a break.  I prayed several months before this incident that God could make a way for me to work and begin my internship in which I was required to do 700 hours in 9 months.  I did not know how I could do this on my own, with a full time job, a son, and internship but this was God’s answer, to take away my job.

After I was laid off, I applied for over 20 jobs a week and went to interview after interview and received no job.  But God had it under control.  I started my new job the last day of internship, exactly.

I think God made me lose my job before I closed on my house not only so I can see the power of prayer, but so that my mom had to co-sign and be responsible for paying my mortgage.  This may sound too cocky but I will let you know all was not all “peaches and cream” and God was not done with me yet.  No where near.  During my unemployment I went to Department of Social Service to get food stamps, welfare, and Medicaid. I was told I did not qualify because I had too much money saved up and because my job offered me insurance when I left (for $600 a month). I hold the belief that the system does not help people who try, but enables people to fail.  I was upset at the fact that I was rejected from assistance after so many years of putting in, but I think God made it this way, so I could lean on Him and so it would make me stronger.

The hardest time was when I needed to get my son shots for preschool with no insurance.  We chased down the medical van that gave free immunizations.  My son thought it was a tour bus.  I was so happy that they provided this service until I was told that I, a regular tax paying citizen, who always held a job, needed come back the next week, wait in line outside at 5a.m, with my son, until the door opened at 8 a.m. Then I would be allowed to register my son to get shots. I would then have to return hours later to actually get the shots. As I told my son that we needed to leave, he asked me if we were getting on the tour bus.  When I said no, he clenched my leg, and he began to cry.  I wanted to cry right along with him, as we left.  Things were so hard.  There was always a glimmer of hope, but then the hope would be taken away.  Eventually my son did get the required shots through assistance of the health department.  I didn’t even have to come at 5 a.m. to register for it either.  It was embarrassing and difficult, but a humbling experience nonetheless.

When I lost my job I attempted to file for unemployment, but the owner’s wife said that she would see to it that I did not get it.  When I filed, she held true to her word and I did not get it.  I was so bitter I thought to file an Equal Opportunity Employer (EEO) complaint.  I actually got quite far in it, and had a good case.  I asked God for confirmation if I should go through with the complaint. I opened the Bible to see if I was doing the right thing.

When I seek God’s advice, I often pray for God to reveal the answer and then I open the Bible and pick a random spot to get it.  This time the answer I received was

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” Romans 12:19.

It was so hard, but I let it go. People did not understand how I let go of the EEO complaint and why I did not revisit DSS to get on public assistance.  I felt that this is what God wanted.  God told me the money was cursed and I wanted no parts in it (because the company in which I worked would pay for both unemployment and the EEO had I succeeded).  God told me that He would deal with them, and I had to trust that.

Since I have left that place, Medicaid has visited the company and fined them because of their practices, an extensive amount of money.  The children centers they had, have since been shut down, along with their school program.  They have fired and laid off many more people since me, and the employees left they have given pay cuts.  So it looks like God got me out of this environment at the right time, before everything crumbled to the ground. Because I know there is more judgment to come. Not just for me, but for all of God’s servants they have done wrong.

I gained 30 pounds during this time from being stressed and the lack of money to buy healthy food.  It was so bad that when I went shopping for food, I would look at the net weight of the items and try to get the most bang for my buck.  I shopped at the Dollar Tree and would buy the most off brand nasty soda that I could drink.  It was over a 1 liter for a dollar, and as far as I was concerned, you could not beat that.  It did make me want to cry though, every time I thought about eating the same thing from the Dollar Tree every night. It made me angry that this was happening to me.

I wondered day in and day out, why? I asked God, “had I not been faithful?” I wanted to eat the food that I wanted to eat, and I couldn’t. I could not really go grocery shopping for me and my son.  When I did, my son’s needs for food and school lunch always came first, and I was stuck with whatever was left.  As my son went to the summer child care program, I bought a large bag of chicken nuggets that I would pack for his lunch.  The bag was so big that it lasted for nearly the whole summer.  My son got tired of eating them.  His teacher would send notes home telling me to pack something else.  But she didn’t understand.  I couldn’t.  I didn’t have any money to afford anything else.  You really never know what people go through.  This was a Christian school, but you have to be wary placing yourselves in other people’s situations.  You never know what they do just to get what they have.

On Sunday, I continued to go to church.  Church for me was a battle in my mind, literally.  I wanted to believe.  I wanted to get where I was.  But I couldn’t.  My mind would not allow me to believe.  I sat in the fourth row, trying to connect with the words.  At first when I lost my job I remained faithful.  But as time went on and things did not get better…..I couldn’t.  There were times I went in church and people would speak about their jobs, how great their lives were, how great their marriages were, and I would want to cry.    I would sit in the chair and try to fight the tears.  Here it was just me and my son and it was hard.  I didn’t have any of that.  I didn’t have a man, husband, job, money, nothing.   I knew  the only person that I had to fall back on was me.  I didn’t even feel like I had God at that point. My mother helped me with some things, but I was the only person in my home taking care of my son, and whatever job I got had to fit into the hours of his childcare.  I became angry.  I didn’t know why God was not helping me. I felt like He was flaunting these things in my face.  Time and time again, I would vow not to return next Sunday, because it hurt.  But I always returned.

God did provide for me during my unemployment though.  I received a refund check from school twice while I was unemployed.  I also became a Just Answer relationship and parenting expert where I got paid to answer questions online.  I was approved based on my mental health  verified experience and Master’s degree, once making almost $1000 in a month.

After church, my church always had Panera bread.  This became a blessing to me, because I could get all the bread I could eat.  Even though it was not real food at least I would never run out of bread.  I packed my plastic bag with bread every Sunday and took it home, to freeze it.  The thing about Panera bread was that it was so fresh that it could not last more than a few days at room temperature or it would mold.  So I had to freeze it so that it would last.  More bread and more weight I gained!  One day as I drove home, God spoke to me and reminded me about the manna.  As he took the Hebrews from Egypt, they were in the wilderness.  It was there that God gave them manna (which was bread to eat, so that they would not starve, read Exodus 16).  They could never keep it over to the next day, because if they did it would mold.  At first this was okay to them but then they were tired of it, eating the same thing.  When God first revealed this story to me, I gave it consideration, thinking that at least I had bread to eat if not anything else.  But like the Hebrews.  I got tired of eating bread; I gained weight from eating bread, and I longed for more.  Not just of food, but a more fulfilled life, at this point I felt my life was at an all-time low.

Life was hard and it was hard to trust God. He told me that He made me to be a survivor, to always get things done and not to depend so heavily on others.  It taught me to trust God and not my own understanding, even though I had some angry conversations with God during that time.  He was always there, even when I didn’t think He was.  I think He revealed that these are the attributes I am going to need when I am married. For whatever purpose He has for my husband and I, I know I will need that same drive and mentality, to just get things done, and trust that God will see us through.  I think that this trust even goes beyond that, but trusting that after a wait or hardship, God has a husband for me.  

As for Gary, that was a situation that I needed to let go. I felt like it was more time wasted on a man that was really not good for me.  I believe he was messing with two women and whoever else at the time.  It taught me that men or people in general could be manipulative, and that not letting someone go despite the evidence around you telling you to, could cause great consequences.   For him, he received promotion after promotion from our supervisor and favorable evaluations that I  were followed by raises.  But for me it caused me to lose my job.

I was let go 4 days before I was supposed to close on my brand new home, and it almost caused me to lose my home.  It caused my reputation to be tarnished, and in my sin, it caused me to move away from God.  I think the biggest lesson I learned, is just because someone says they are Christian and says they are from God, does not mean they are.  I saw so many bad things in that company, things done to other Christians by those who claimed to be godly and ordained.  When I am wrong, I know it and God condemns me.  It taught me to understand, that not everyone stands condemned, not everyone is truly in the body of Christ, and that jealousy, greed, and other carnal things can lead almost anyone to the path of damnation.  I know what I needed to learn there, I did, and as I pity most of them now I also pray for them.  Most importantly, I have a testimonial because of it.

I am, also fortunate to see the way that God works.  I got the experience I needed from that job.  I was able to buy my home, and I feel that the experience moved me where I needed to go in life.  I learned a lot about the mental health field and I learned how to humble myself and deal with difficult people.  The connections I made at the time also allowed me to meet a licensed marriage and family therapist (which are hard to find). Which I later asked to be my clinical supervisor for licensure, and he is now helping me to obtain licensure as a therapist.  At the end of the day, we know that for those who love God “all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” Roman 8:28.  AMEN!!!

  Free Kindle Download Until 9/28/14!!!!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Get Your Free Copy of My Book, Waiting For A Man After God's Own Heart

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Good news.  My book is available for FREE download on Amazon from today until the 29th.  The book can be downloaded on any mobile device, including your phone.  



Book Description: 

  Sophia Reed is a single mother and the author of this book. Like many women Sophia found herself getting involved in one terrible relationship after the next in attempts to find a “good” man. From her son’s father being incarcerated to engaging in a relationship with a man, who ultimately caused her to loose her job and almost caused her to loose her brand new home. Sophia has seemingly been through and seen it all.

Even through her chaos, the author still sought to do everything right in the eyes of God. This includes getting a master’s degree, pursuing a Ph.D, and raising her son the best way she knows how. Through the difficulties of relationships, the unexpected curve balls in life, and angry conversations with God; Sophia still stayed focused. She learned to let go of the bad men and learn that being single is not the worst thing in the world.

In the pages of this book, you will laugh, cry, and have hope. You will read her downfalls, shortcomings, receive encouragement, and see a personal transformation made possible by God. The title Waiting for a Man After God’s Own Heart was inspired by a phrase used in the Bible to describe King David. David was imperfect, a polygamist, and an adulterer who made mistakes along the way. David was also known as one of the greatest men in the Bible for his unshakable faith. The point is that even though we are not perfect, if we keep our eyes focused on God, He can redeem us.

In this book, the author encourages you never to give up hope that the right man is out there for you. She encourages you to wait for a man after God’s Own Heart, or for one who has already captured it.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Is God In Control of My Relationships Status?

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Have you ever wondered if God was in control of your relationships status?  So many people wonder if there is a specific “one” that is out there for them or if it is up to us to do the best we can and find the best mate we can. (Read my blog here on if there is a one).  I have come to think that God is in control of our relationships status, if we allow Him to be.

First and foremost we have freewill, we can chose to be with who ever we want to be with.  But how many times have we gotten ourselves in relationships that we knew were not good for us only to be hurt by them in the end?  This is what we can bring on ourselves by forcing relationships with others.

When you look at Ruth and Esther, these are women who have lead their lives, having heartache, and still everything that they went through lead them up to meeting their prince charming.

Esther was an orphan who was raised by her uncle.  Esther had the ability to win over everyone that encountered her.  And because of this the king made Esther his queen.  You see, Esther did not wake up every day wondering when her singleness would be over.

Even if God has told Esther that she would be queen do you think that she would have believed it?

Sometimes we have to allow God to play out all of the things He wants to play out in our life, and following this path will lead us to the one God has for us.  Therefore focus should not be on “when” getting married will happen.  Instead take comfort in the fact that marriage or a relationships will come in the right time.

Ruth had endured much heartache.  She lost a husband, brother and law, and a father and law.  She chose to leave her home of Moab, leaving behind a sister and law to go to an unknown Jewish land.  Ruth did what she had to do, worked in the field and it was there that she met the love of her life.

It would seem that both of these women always had a path they were suppose to follow even when they went through hardships .  And because they just continued to live their life, the path led them to get married to men I am sure they had never even dreamed of for themselves.

For both cases it did not take them chasing after the man or laying down crying and being depressed over being single. All they did was live their life and trusted that God was going to take care of everything. And guess what, he did.

How many of us can say that now that we are single we are waiting and trusting God to bring the right one in our life?  This trust does not include getting mad at God because you have not met the right one yet or throwing temper tantrums trying to get God to notice you still being single.

With both Ruth and Esther it was them going through their life that cause them to get married.  So when waiting for the “one”  perhaps you need to evaluate what you are hung up on.  Are you stuck somewhere in life that you can’t get past.  It may just be this, that is keeping you from moving forward in your relationships.

Therefore, do not be uncontent in your singleness.  Think of it as a learning phase.  Choose to learn about yourself and go on the path you feel was meant for you.  Trust and believe that if you are doing these things then the right one will bump into you.

But things like not letting go of an ex, unforgiveness, low self esteem, all these things are examples of things we have to get over in order for us to move forward.  I have come to learn that it is better to enter a relationship as a stable person than it is to enter a relationship as an unstable person looking for a relationship to stabilize them.

So just a few things to remembers:

  • Do not find that person let them find you.
  • While Single get to know and be comfortable with yourself. 
  • Past grudges can keep you from moving forward in any of your relationships. 
  • Trust that God will bring you the right one at the right time. 

Other Blogs On Being Single:  

A fine man can only get you so far, But a good man can take you the rest of the way.
Being Single is Better!
He's Just Not That Into You, But If You Really Think, You Are Not Into Him Either
Am I Too Picky? Or Are You Just Refusing To Accept Nonsense?
Are You A Woman Worth More Than Rubies? Or Are You Selling Yourself Short?

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Why Won't God Give Me What I Want?

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I feel that there is a curse and a blessing when following the path of God.  The curse part is my own words and not God’s of course, but sometimes this is how I feel.  The closer you get with God, the more you will have to learn to reject the ways of the world and go with what God is telling you to do.  And this can sometimes hurt you to the core.

In my life, going with the ways of God means that I have had to stop idolizing the things that I wanted out of life and understand that the things that God was giving me was sufficient.  This is easier said that done.  I had stop with feeling like me getting married or being in a relationship was the only source to my happiness.  I had to stop and realize that me having a million dollars should not define me or my happiness.

Although I want to get married and I want a million dollars, if these things never happen I have to be content in what God has given me.  This is because I have to learn to trust God and trust that He is giving me exactly what I need at whatever point I am in my life.  I also had to learn that my identity is not given to me by money or a husband, but in God.

Although this sounds easy, it takes an understanding that all the things you want out of life really means nothing and only God matters.  It is not to say that God does not want to give you a husband, children, mansion on the hill, or more money than you can count; but He does not want you to get your identity through these things.  Because to God, none of these things matter and if He feels that by giving you these things it will take your attention away from Him; then He is not going to give it to you.

This train of thought goes against everything our flesh is telling us to do.  Our flesh tells us that to be somebody we must have a picture perfect life, and if we do not have these things then something must be wrong with us. God must not love us.  We must not believe hard enough or be praying hard enough because God is not giving us what we want.

It is a fine line between seeing God as someone who wants to lead and guide us in the life path that He wants for us and seeing Him as a genie.  For me, and for many people, I have felt that these things go hand and hand.  If I ask God for something then of course I should get it.

How many times has your Christian life turned into something of self centeredness in which you only focus on you, what you want, what you are not getting, and when things are not happening for you then nothing else matters.

I used to be that person and still am often times.  But I have learned one lesson.  Even when I was struggling, lonely, stressed out, and do not feel close to God; when faced with a test or opposition doing what God wants me to do still comes first even if I do not feel like it.

And this is what we call growth.  Being a Christian is not about you, it is about showing and teaching others through your life.  Believe it or not, when times are hard, when you are depressed, when you are praying for a break through and nothing is happening, those who know you are Christian are watching you to see what you do.  They want to see if you walk the walk or just talk the talk.  They want to see if you are willing to turn your back on God because you are going through a hard time or not getting what you want; or if you are willing to praise God in the midst of the storm.

I know when I first started on being serious about my Christian walk.  When I prayed something happened, when i wanted something I got it, and I thought this is what God was all about.  As time went on I noticed that God wanted to see what I was going to do when I felt like His love was not about giving me what I wanted.  When the real life problems started to hit, would I still remain true on the things He has taught me?

How many of you feel the same way?  Like God is no where to be found because when you pray nothing is happening?  You have to view your situation and God in a different way.  I read an excerpt from a book called the Screw tape letters it states:

“God withdraws. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs.  He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. It is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our God’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

Man this verse is deep it gives me the chills.  So when God does not give you want you want, when all your enemies are bless and you are looking lost and forsaken, and even when you feel that God is gone BUT you still chose to obey the what God is telling you to do, then you have past the test.  Not only have you past, but you are almost invincible in the things of the world. And this is what you want, and the key to getting everything you want.