Allowing The Past To Haunt You Can Affect Your Future.

One of the main things that comes to haunt us is our past.  We think of the wrong things that we have done in the past, how others have wronged us in the past, and how we cannot get over the things that were done to us in the past.  It is often times our inability to get over the past that leaves us stifled, stuck in depression, and wallowing in self pity.  It is being stuck in the past that keeps us from moving forward and keeps us from missing out on our futures blessing.

Take think about this Bible passage.

“The LORD said to Samuel, 'How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king.'"   1 Samuel 16:1 

It was around this time that Saul had lost favor with God and God wanted to anoint a new king.  Instead of accepting this, Samuel was grieving, crying, sitting around mourning over what was already done and could never be changed.  God was not going to change His mind, He had another king already in mind.  And Samuel needed to anoint him.  However, Samuel was sitting around stuck on Saul and God finally called out to him.

It was like God was saying,

“How long Samuel, are you going to sit here being all depressed over the fact that Saul is no longer king.  It is over, it is done with, and there is nothing that is going to change my mind.  Instead of sitting there being sad over what you cannot change.  I have already chosen someone else and I need to use you to go get him.”

 I am paraphrasing of course, but I am sure this is what God was thinking. And even more so, how many of us is God also saying this too. If Samuel was to sit and stay stuck in one place over the fact that Saul was not king then there would have never been a David (click here for more on the life of David).  There would not have been a slaying of Goliath, the killing of thousands of Philistines, nor would there be the birth of Solomon, the wisest king in the Bible.

If you have missed the point that I am trying to get at, wallowing in self pity and depression and the past will quickly make you miss your future.  This is why is is so important that we let go of the relationship that we know we are not supposed to be in, the friendships that are toxic to us, the past situations that have caused us pain, forgiving ourselves for times in which we were wrong and caused others pain,  forgive the people that have done us wrong, or the unfair treatment or circumstances that we had to endure.  There is no going into a time machine to change it and since there is no changing it the only person that it is effecting is us and our future.

I cannot tell you how many years that I have spent on dating men in the hopes that they would change or come around.  I know God was saying,

“How long are you going to waste time on this loser, before you move on and see that he is not it?”

I have been lied on and treated unfairly by other people even by people that I considered friends, and people that I did no wrong to.  I would sometimes sit and tell God about how unfair it is, and that I did not do anything but yet I was the one getting punished. I was sit and blame God for not protecting me from these God awful people and situations.

It was as if God was saying, “How long are you going to be upset about what they did, you cannot change it? So you mine as well move on from it.”

Can you imagine if Samuel was still stuck on Saul when he anointed David?  He could have treated David bad or punished him for being anointed the new king, when David had nothing to do with God's decision.  That is the same thing that can happen to us, we can ruin a new blessing by bringing unresolved past issues with us to future blessings.

I am not saying this as someone who does not have a shaky past. I am not saying this as someone who has not had to endure jealously, lies, gossip,  unfair treatment, and people not like me for being a Christian, being black, or because I was the person that I was.  They hurt me for reasons I did not know, over a man, or even no really good reason at all.  And even though I would start to despise them for what they did I had to get over it.  People who have done you wrong want you to hate them back so they can feel they have justification for their maltreatment of you.


But what I have come to learn is that you cannot waste valuable time trying to fight them or even feeling sorry for yourself for what they did.  If God allowed it to happen then it must be something else that He has in store for the future, right?  Even though you may not get it, even though you may not understand it, you have to trust that God wants you to come out of your past and on to a bigger and better future.  You can never look forward if you are always looking back. And if you are always looking back, you will have trouble moving forward because you will be bumping and stumbling on things along the way.  If you are looking back, you cannot see what is in front of you and you won't be able to avoid the obstacles ahead.  So it is best to keep the past behind you, and always keep your eyes forward. Learning from the past, forgiving those from the past, and looking better to a brighter future no matter what you have gone through.

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I am Single AND Happy.

Yes I am single and I am okay being single.  But I must admit that it was not always this way.  I used to be like other single women filled with desperation and thinking that me not having a husband or being with someone was the end of the world.  With the prevalence of social media and everyone posting their happy married and couple moments all over it, I felt like I was missing something and I felt incomplete.


The idea of being 30 and single would lead the conversation with me and my over 30 single women friends.  It was as though we were obsessed with it.  I can recall one man that I dated in which he was attractive but no where near a good fit for me and he would often stand me up and not keep his word.  My divorced friend told me that since I wanted to get married I should just accept it and not make a big deal about it.  She also told me that I was too opinionated, and when talking to men even if I did not agree with them and felt like they were talking crazy; I should just nod my head and agree to show my willingness to submit.  At this I gave her a crazy look and the response, that I could not agree with being treated like a door mat.

I am all for being submissive to my husband but not being your bobble head girlfriend/wife that agrees with every thing you say, no matter if I agree with it or not (see my blog here on the true meaning of being submissive).  After many years, YES, years of getting myself into a anger frenzy about being single I just let it go. This is because I realized something.  There is more to this world for me then having the title as someones wife.  I started to dream and think of other things that I wanted to accomplish in this life and that put an end to my whining and pining over not being married.

I think when you finally find a purpose in your life and when you find goals that you are moving toward, you no longer think of the minor things that are lacking in your life.  Because being in a relationship and being married is important to me, but it is not the only thing that matters to me.  What matters more is that I would like to give my son the world, I want to give myself the world.  I want to have the freedom and financial security to travel and make my mark on society by doing the things that I am gifted at.  All of a sudden this became more important to me than the ring on my finger.

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”  1 Corinthians 7:32-35

I am not going to sit here and tell you that as a single person you need to be a nun and spend every waking moment in church so that you can be fully dedicated to God.  I think being dedicated to God goes beyond that.  It is having a purpose, using your God given talents to do the things that God wants you to do on this Earth.  For me this is writing, counseling, speaking, and seeking to encourage others.  For you it may be singing, helping people manage their money, acting, or the other ten million things a person could be good at.  And you do not have to worry about spending enough time with your significant other,checking in with them every 5 minutes, weather they are going to approve on what you do or what you do not do.  Or if you have to be home by a certain time to have dinner on the table or because your spouse wants you to be home by 5:30.  You are free to do what you want, go where you want, and be where you want to be.

For single mothers this is a double edged sword because I still have to spend and care for my son obviously, but it would be a whole lot harder for me to pursue my dreams with both and husband and a son, so now I know why God has not given me one yet.  And I am okay with that.  Even when I really, really, really used to think that being single was equivalent to having the mark of the beast.  I was really blowing it way out of proportion.

I have come to learn that as you learn and develop your life purpose you  learn more about yourself and what you want out of life.  When you know these things about yourself then you can better learn what to look for in the person that you are suppose to be with.  And while you wait, you can actively chose to be happy and satisfied being single.  

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Some People Just Aren't That Deep.

If you are like me and have been frustrated in dating, wondering if you are doing something wrong as to why you are running into all these shallow non relationship orientated people; do not worry.  I have come to learn that some people just are not that deep of a person.  They may not want to take you on a date and you prefer to take you to their bed.  They may not want to talk about a future or purpose but rather the here and now, that includes getting you into their bed.  And they may not want to talk about marriage or an actual relationship, they only want the title that includes getting you into their bed.

I used to wonder if these were just my experiences or if there was something that I was doing wrong as to why these situations kept happening to me.  I can recall when I lived with my ex boyfriend some years ago, his main pet peeve of me was that I wanted to read and discuss the Bible with him.  He did not want to do that.  He just wanted to have sex (before I became celibate), play video games, and watch porn.  This is all that he wanted and this was all that he was about, he simply was not that deep.

I was brought back to a time in college in which I was living in Atlanta.  I met a man at a gas station in which he told me that I was pretty for a dark skinned girl (I know how offensive right).  After having plenty of phone conversations with him he decided to take me out on a date.  Or his version of a date.  When he came to pick me up, he took me to a cheap motel.  Once we got in, he undressed to his boxers and got in the bed.  I was in complete and utter shock.  I was even more shocked to see the house arrest bracelet on his ankle and he told me he had a limited amount of time to be with me because he had to be home by 7pm.

Imagine his disappointment when I just sat on the edge of the bed looking at him like he was crazy.  He tried convinced me to take off my clothes and get in the bed with him stating that I was crazy for not wanting to get in the bed with him.  After about 15 minutes seeing that he was not going to get any, he went to the front desk and ask for a refund stating that the heat did not work in the room.  He dropped me off back at the college telling me that he would call me.  He never did.  I did not expect him to, and surely did not call him.  He was not that deep of a person.


The last two men that I dated before I decided to take a break on dating all together was a man that kept saying he was going to take me out on a date.  And I guess he did technically.  But his dates consisted of going to the bar and buying me as man drinks as I could handle.  No food, just drinks, and more drinks.  Even after I told him I did not want any more drinks, he bought more anyway, to get me drunk so that I could go home with him.  And then wondered why after that I chose to stop calling or did not want to see him.

The other was a lawyer.  I met him when I tried my whole online dating thing.  We spoke on the phone I tried to engaged in an actual conversation seeing as how he was supposed to be educated and all.  This type of conversation would last for a few minutes before he wanted to go into some type of role play sex fantasy.  He wanted to email about it, talk about it, it was really sad.

This is why I took a break from dating because it was all so very frustrating.  I wondered if it was me.  But I came to the conclusion that it was not me.  It was them.  They were not that deep of men.  They did not want to get married, they did not want to talk about a future, they did want to think about purpose, or want to have a civilized conversation,  and most importantly, they simply were okay with the way that they were.  I could have been the first lady Michelle Obama, and I do not think it would have changed the way that they went about things.

And even more so I learned that it is not my responsibility to sit and try to make them be different or make them see what a wonderful woman they were passing up.  If they did not see that on their own then oh well.  It is their lost, and this is how we must always approached things when people pass us over.  Not beat ourselves up wondering why they overlooked us.  Not pray to God every day hoping that God will somehow open their eyes and MAKE them see that you are the one.  Getting mad at God when the person does not change.  It could be that God is doing YOU a favor and wanting you to see them for who they really are.

In the world that we live in it is easy for people to live for self gratification first.  Some people do not care to have a purpose, do not think about their future family, do not think about getting married, do not think about treating other people right, and do even think about where they will go once they leave this Earth.  And guess what? That is their problem and not yours.  It is not up to you to change every twisted and jilted person that does not know how to treat you right.  It is also not up to you to sit, cry, and be sad over THEIR shortcomings.  It is their issue not yours, just because they are not about anything special does not mean that you have to  be on their level.

Even if it means that you have to take a dating break, it is better to do that, then it is to engage in foolishness in which you know that you will ultimately get hurt.

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