Tuesday, October 22, 2013

An FYI To Single Mothers

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It seems that as single mothers, we never really get to enjoy single life because as a single mother we have responsibilities.  We have all the responsibilities of a full fledge family minus the man.  I am responsible for taking off from work when my son is sick or finding backup sitter when the school is closed. There is no one to trade places with, only me.  I am responsible for picking him up in time, dropping him off every day on time, or I have to pay a fee. I cannot go to happy hour after work; it is the same routine day in and day out. Sounds great doesn’t it. 

Sometimes it is hard, having only one income but wanting to give my son the life of a two parent household.  I know for me I did not want being a single mother to be an excuse for my son to lack for anything.  Therefore my advice to single mothers is to adapt the same attitude.  I know you want for your child or children to have a father figure, but you do not have to wait for a man to do things with your child.  Also I would like to say to single mothers that you do not need to ditch your children in efforts to stay out all night to go find one.  It’s okay to go out, but to go out every other day or every weekend without your kids, this is excessive. 

One thing that God has spoken to me is that when a man looks to date a woman with children the first thing they are going to look at is how they treat their child, especially if the man has children or wants more children.  They may flirt and talk to you.   But trust me; no man is going to take you seriously if you are in the club all night leaving your children with your mother or babysitter all the time.  They are going to think that this behavior is going to continue if they marry you or have children by you. Therefore it is good to do things with your children and have them in activities.  

Another thing that I am going to speak about is really going to get some people heated….and that is some women need to stop procreating.  I understand women who were married and have several children and are now divorced.  However if you have one child by one man, then go and have another by another man, and then by another, and another….at what point are you going to learn your lesson.  Having a baby is no way to keep a man. So stop. Also for FYI when you are looking for that husband it is not a good look to have 5 baby fathers.  Honestly, even if you have multiple children by one man and you are not married.  STOP!   If he does not want to marry you, why do you keep pumping out his children?  Babies are a blessing and even if they are intentional, if he wants to continue to have babies with you but not put a ring on your finger, something is really wrong.  Yes I do have a child.  But I am not going to continue to have more and more children out of wedlock.  I have been there already and done that! And news flash it’s hard!  Women do not fall for the man that does not believe in marriage and it’s a piece of paper.  That is BS, and they are full of it.  It is not just a piece a paper.  It is a responsibility; it is a vow before God that he is willing to step up and be a man to take care of the children that he created.  If he is not, then move on, why waste your time. I feel a real man that wants to be with you; will not want to keep you on the market for another man to snatch you up. 

I am tired of parents being selfish and crying all the time treating their child bad because they feel that their child is the reason they have no man.  Your child is here, you are their parent and you are responsible for their wellbeing.  So stop being so selfish.  Even when you get married do you think that it will be all about you?  No it will not be.  It will be about being a mother and being a wife.  Those things take unselfishness despite what you think.  I can speak so harshly about this because I know that being a single mother is hard.  I know what it is like. I have been there and am here now.  But, as a single mother do not be a victim.  Do not play a victim in front of your kids.  Be strong and the man that will find you will see you as strong, they will see you as a good strong single mother and want you even more.  If you are doing well on your own as a single mother, then imagine how they view you would be as a wife or to their future kids.  
Next I am going to address priorities with single mother.  There have been so many times that I have seen the children wearing all name brand clothing.  There is nothing wrong with name brand clothing.  But if you cannot pay your rent and bills then perhaps you need a readjustment.  At the end of the day name brand is not what matters.  What you instill in your kids matter.  I am not saying have your children looking like a hot mess walking around,  but why at three years old spend $100 on shoes that the child will only wear for a month and grow out of, and you to fall behind on your utilities bills is beyond my understanding.  I mean really get some insight and priority.  I once had client that missed weeks of school because their parent did not buy them back to school clothing.   And what is worst is that the parent had no problems with this.  It is okay for them to look good, but because you do not have Ralph Lauren for back to school it is not the end of the world, and keeping your children from school for this is ignorant on the part of the parent. 

Instead of seeing single motherhood as a burden, I now see it as preparation.  The better mother you are, the stronger you are, and believe it or the better you are prepared for marriage.  So you really have one up in this regard.  Having someone live in your household and being solely responsible for their wellbeing is preparation for marriage.  When kids are young they are selfish.  They want what they want and do not see a world beyond what they want, and cry when they can’t get it.  This is normal; it is part of being a kid.  
When my son was born he would wake up every few hours.  He didn’t care about how tired I was; the only thing he cared about was he was wet, hungry, cold, or whatever, and he wanted me to fix it. Therefore as their mother you give and give to their demands.  For me, I feed my son first, make sure he has what he needs first; I always put his needs before my own.  This is what a husband is like.  Not saying that you are a door mat because your husband should put your needs before his own.  Marriage is about giving and not taking.  So if you have a child and have raised the child, knowing that children are selfish by nature, if you can handle all of this successfully on your own, then imagine how you can bring this into a marriage.