Monday, November 24, 2014

I have Trust Issues.

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This past Friday I went to church to receive prophetic ministry.  This type of ministry can be a a moment of confirmation or a moment in which you need to reflect.  Whenever you receive prophetic word, I suggest you put your mind in a space that you are able to receive it, because it may not always be what you want to hear.

What I learned was what I considered to be my biggest strength has become my biggest weakness.  I was told that I had trust issues.  I was told that I did not trust anyone and that I do not tell anyone what is going on around me because I did not want to appear as being vulnerable.

She hit the nail right on the head.  And I did not like it.  I was rather offended actually. It took some time for me to reflect on this message to get what it was saying.  She was right.  I do not trust anyone.  To the point that I think it can air on the side of paranoia.

As she also told me, this was because of things that has happened in my past.  No I was not raped or abandoned on a door step as a child.  But as I reflected I learned it was the people that I cared about in the past that end up hurting me the most.  I have had friends and been in relationships with people that I poured my heart out to, only to have them use my emotion to their advantage.  They used what I gave to them to hurt me.

These are not just people that I known, but even strangers, or co-workers.  People that I had done nothing too, just wanted to come against me.  I know that this may sound paranoid but I want to first explain this Bible verse

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12

You see, when people come against us, I am convinced it is not them coming against you personally.  It is the darkness in them recognizing the God in you, and because of it they hate you. Often times they do not even know why or are they even aware of it.

Instead of me seeing the things that have been done to me for what it is, the principalities of this world.  I have come to the conclusion that all people that I open up to are out to hurt me.  Overtime, I learn to not let anyone in because if I do not let them in they cannot hurt me.  This lead to me to be a very isolated creature and even worse me being very content in my isolation.

I feel that I am the only person that I can trust, because I know that I will not let me down.  And since I know I will not let me down, then I mind as well be the only person I can trust.  And in my mind, I see this as a good thing.

But, not only is this separating me from people but this is also separating me from God.  During the same message I was told that God is putting me in my current situation so that I have to lean on other people so that I can fix this about myself.  And boy was this something I did not want to hear.

Why would I want to fix something that I do not even see as a problem?

And here is why.

First, I have stop asking God for help.  Through my misguided attempt to be strong and not lean on anyone, I have put this same mentality on God.  I do not want to pray and ask for anything, because if I do not get it, then I feel that God has let me down.  And then I will be disappointed.  Which would lead me to seeing God like everyone else that has let me down.  I have put a human characteristic on God which has separated me from Him.  I am basically telling God that I do not need Him because I can do everything myself.  I did not intentionally mean for it to be this way, but this is where distrust can get you.

When we get into a space where we want to do everything on our own and we feel that we are the only one that can do something, then we apply this same mentality to God.  We may feel that God is too busy, He is not going to answer a prayer, or He is going to let us down.  But this is simply not true. While I thought I was doing God a favor by doing things on my own, I was actually separating myself from Him, by taking things in my own hands and not consulting with God first.

This I learned is why I am so frustrated.  Because God has put me in a place where I cannot under any circumstances fix things on my own, and because I can’t fix it I am angry.  It forces me to do one or two things.  Lean on God for the answer as well as lean on other people that He puts in my way for the answer.  And this is something that gives me anxiety as I even speak about it.

The fact that I have to ask someone for help makes me angry because I feel that this gives me the appearance of being weak.  I would rather struggle and be cold and hungry before asking someone for a blanket and food.  I want to be the one that has it all together, I do not want to be the one that is in need.  Appearing vulnerable to others is something that I have longed washed away, and a place that I do not want to revisit.

How many people can relate?

Have you been hurt, abandoned, or abused by the ways of this world; that you rather go about things on your own and struggle then ask for help and give the other person the opportunity shut you down?

In the Bible after God created Adam God said,

“The LORD God said, ‘"It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."’  Genesis 2:18

I am sure that even in the midst of perfection of the Garden of Eden, all the animals, and the ability to walk and talk with God, that Adam was still missing something.  As he walked around the garden looking all depressed God clearly saw that something was missing.  And so He created Eve.  You see this passage says more than the companionship between man and woman.  But that no one should be alone, and even in that perfection of Eden God saw Adam was missing a companion.  And that it was not good for Adam to go about his everyday life without someone to lean on.

It is like that for us today.  Too much isolation or distrust can drive you away from people.  The inability to ask for help can drive you away from God.  Sometimes it is not being weak to open up and tell someone that you cannot go about this thing called life alone.  Trust me, I know.

God has shown me that this is something I need to get a handle on before becoming married.  Marriage is about sharing a life with your significant other.  Not doing everything on your own and not feeling like you can lean on another person.  This type of mentality is what will pull a marriage apart.  Everyone wants to feel needed.

As I end, if you are like me, you may want to consider to open up your heart.  It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to trust again, not matter what has happened to you.  Leaning on another person is not weakness its called being human.