As I was having a conversation with God today about my son’s father that I have wished for the past six years would get it together and be the father that my son deserves, God revealed something to me that I thought was profound and something that I wanted to share. Just to give you a little background on this situation, he pops in and out of our lives. There are times when things are going good between us and there are even more times when they are going bad.
I have learned that sometimes the reason why God puts us in certain situations is because He wants to show us who we can depend on versus who we cannot. I have openly admitted that I do not trust people at all (see my blog here). But the bigger picture is not being distrustful of people, but learning who to trust versus who not to trust. As Christians we should always forgive, but forgiveness does not equal allowing them to come back into your personal space and it does not mean that you have to put yourself in a position to allow them to hurt you again and again (see my blog here on this).
Sometimes it is just best to let go and leave that person to live their dysfunctional life without you being included in it. What God showed me, is that when things are good, he wants to be in my world. But when I am depending on them to do something and he does not follow through, and that is really his true colors.
When we are put in situations in which we have to depend on someone and they let us down, it is important for us to always remember the person that they have shown us they really are. This is important because when our situations changes and we do not need to depend on them anymore, we need to remember what they did, who they are, and that they were not there for us when we really needed it the most. We need to remember this so that we do not get suckered into going back.
Sometimes we are put in bad situations not to hurt us but so that we can see who is really for us and who is not.
Can anyone relate to what I am saying?
Have you been in a relationships or even a friendship for that matter in which they have let you down time and time again. But you keep giving them a chance, hoping that things will change?
We have all heard the saying, “Why do you try to hold on to people that God is trying to tear away from your life?”
Therefore I ask you to pay attention to the people that God is trying to tear out of your life. Do not be resentful that they left, but be glad. Be glad that you see their true colors now. And be glad that God is making the situation so bad between you that there is no way you will ever want to have them back in your life.
This especially rings true for me and my son’s father. Not that I want him and I to be together. But I did want him to be a better man and a better father to our son. However, time and time again he has shown me that this is not possible. Therefore I have a choice to make. I can keep allowing him back into me and my son’s life, allowing him to be a bad example to my son, and show my son everything that a man should NOT be. Or I can choose to completely raise my son on my own, like I have been doing, and know that one day when the time is right God will bring a man into me and my son’s life that my son would be proud to call his father.
I am not saying that single mothers should keep their children away from their fathers. But in some cases, when the dad actively chooses not to be a father and having them in the child’s life will cause more harm than good, then you really have no choice. And I learned that this is okay.
It is not about holding grudges. A grudge is when you hate someone. It is about not allowing to that person to make your life a living hell. Just to give you an example of what I am talking about. My son’s father is only ordered to pay $65 a month in child support ( I know right!). This has been into place for the past 6 years. He has yet to pay one red cent (which is a penny) in child support. That is crazy right!
This month, my son has been in need of many things for his Christmas play and other things needed for school. Even though $65 is not much, it will cover the additional things that he needs. His father has promised that he will pay the child support for this month. But it has not happened. I contacted him telling him about the expenses that his son needs, and he does not even have the respect to call me back or pay the money.
Behind this story, God trying to tell me something. God put these extra expenses on my plate so that I can see his true colors. Although I will get everything done on my own like I always do. God was trying to show me that this man was not a man that needs to be in me or my son’s life. And in all honestly, he does not want to be.
I am sure, a few months down the line when I am in a better financial position, his father will try to pop up and pretend that everything is all good. And from there, I have a decision to make. I will choose to remember the time that he did not answer the phone, call us back, or follow up on what he was suppose to do. I will remember the look on my son’s face wondering why in the world his father was letting him down yet again, for the thousandth time. And I will tell his father to go kick rocks. And I know for a fact that my son is starting to see the same thing. Not because I am telling my son to hate his father, but because my son see’s my struggle to provide for him and his dad’s lack of effort to do anything. My son’s sees a parent that is being a parent, and a parent that is anything but.
I do not have to verbalize this with my son, he sees it with his own eyes. I do not condone parenting bashing or anything, but allowing a child to see the person for who they are. In this situation, I have to let go. God showed me that. He asked me why am I trying to keep this person that will only wreak havoc in our lives. When I know for a fact that having him here will only cause me and my son pain. As my son’s father so nicely put it when asked him for the $65. We have been managing on our own this long, why do I need anything from him now? And he is right.
Letting go can be applied to single mothers, relationships, and friendships. Letting go does not have to include malice, but it includes doing what is best for you. And what is best for you may mean that you have to bid that person farewell and pray that they get some sense knocked into their head eventually. It may also mean that knowing if they do not get any sense knocked into them, that them living a life of complete and utter nonsense has nothing to do with you.
No matter how you have tried to help them, pray for them, or wanted things to work out with you and them. You just have to let go and walk into a better future without them. It may hurt, but you also have to realize that it is the best thing that you can do. God has a great future planned for you and He can’t give it to you with dysfunctional people around you messing it up. Think about it.