I contemplated writing this blog. The reason being is because my son’s father once read a blog in which he was included and sought to put disrespectful comments in the blog comment section. Which I promptly deleted. I will be the first to admit that I made mistakes as a person. Who hasn’t? I used to be a wild child which I openly admitted.
When people find out about the history of me and my son’s father, they think
“ How did you end up involved with someone like that?”
Well because I was like how he is. But the point is that one should never stay in foolishness. I was in my early twenties doing things that early twenty years old do. But then I woke up and decided not to stay crazy. Unfortunately for my son’s father, we are not in the same place and he is 38.
I can recall the exact moment when God told me to let God of my son’s father. It was when he was in prison, maybe around year three. I was watching a Tyler Perry Medea play. At the end of the play during that time Medea would give advice or whatever came to her spirit. And during that play, I knew this message was for me.
Tyler Perry spoke about not hanging on to men who do not know how to love you, your child, or know how to be a man. He went on to say, how can God bring you someone new if you are hanging on to the past of someone old? If a man does not deserve your attention, deserve to be in your life, and your children’s lives, then why are you allowing them to be there?
Good question. I was watching this play with family. As I watched it, I remember trying not to cry in front of them. I was so tired of the situation with my son’s father. It was so much to deal with. It wore me out. But letting go is never that easy. The next time I went to church I went to the alter (which I never do by the way) to get prayer. I did not tell them what was wrong or what I was going through as a single mother. As they prayed for me, they prayed the right thing. I recalled tears coming down my eyes as they prayed (which I never cry in front of others). That’s is how tired I was of the whole situation. Of him. And after that prayer I felt free.
This was a key moment in the midst of all the drama that was going on with my son’s father that I decided to let go. And I felt at peace. Fast forward until now, after he did three more years. I really wanted him to change. I wanted him to be different and I wanted him to be the man and father that my son deserved. At first, for about a few weeks, it went okay. But as time went by he turned back to the same old him. He has moved on to another girlfriend, which is the same pattern he did while he was locked up. He has not called or seen his son in about two months. And even after reminding him for months and offering to give him a school schedule, he forgot my son’s school Christmas play last week. Oh, but he did not forget to make a Facebook video saying how he was going to do better as a father and post it to his page. Really, how? He never even called my son to apologize.
But, I do not even think my son mind. How could he mind or care about someone who regularly is not there. My son’s father not being there for him, was normal at this point. He was more disappointed that my cousin could not make it ( who is three hours away and got off late from work) and did not even asked about his father. And his father is only 30 minutes away. Sad isn’t it.
I was talking to a friend of mind who is a fellow counselor, and she told me just to let him be, pretend he is still locked up. I had the same inclination as well, but I felt guilty. I did not want to be the one to keep my son away from his father. But I also did not want to be the one to be disrespected by him and have my son be disregarded by him either.
Years ago, after watching that Tyler Perry play, I said a prayer. I prayed that God would bring a man into me and my son’s life that would accept my son as his own. That would be the father that I wanted my son to have. When my son’s father got out, I was hopeful, but God shows us amazing things.
I know now it had to be this way. I think if I would have never given my son’s father a chance I would have always wondered what if, what if, am I robbing my son of a relationship with his real father? But I know now that I am not. And I know that it is okay for us to walk away.
As I prayed further on this matter God brought this to mind.
You know when Abraham had a son Ishmael from his servant. Abraham was a good father, but then one day God told Abraham to send Ishmael and his mother away, into the desert no less! How insensitive this sounds to send a women and child into the wilderness. Even though God assured them they would be okay, it was still kinda of crazy.
But God knew that the servant was causing problems with Sarah, Abraham’s wife. Even though Sarah gave Abraham permission to have the child, the presence of the child and his mother was just too much. It would have been too much negativity and more than likely ruined God’s plan.
The point I am trying to make is that sometimes we have to let people go. Even though it may seem insensitive, it may seem like were are being cruel or the bad guy, we just have to close the door on some people so that another door can be open.
The ending of the Abraham’s story as you know is that he and Sarah had Issac. Which was the promised child.
My point is, how can me and my son get on with our lives with an Ishmael out there that will cause continual conflict? How can I expect my prayers to be answered and another door opened for a good father for my child, when I am hanging on to a not so good one. One who thinks that he deserves a cookie for doing what he is suppose to do. He literally left in the comment section of my blog that a two days after getting out of prison he was there to see my son. Well that should be expected seeing as how you were in prison for 6 years, a true father would seek to see their children first.
I do not want my son to see a man disrespecting me as his mother, I do not want him to see a man jumping around from woman to woman, I do not want my son think that his father’s behavior his normal. I do not want my son to learn anything from him.
I have learned to forgive. But forgiving from a distance is key (see my blog here). How many times should I allow for my son or me to be disappointed by his father? How many times is enough before I listen to God saying, “this is enough. I have something better for you in mind!”
It took for me to see and understand all of these things about his father before I was ready to shut the door for all eternity, never to be reopened again. And not feel bad about it. Every time I try, he always shows me why I shut that door in the first place. I used to feel guilty and felt that God would not approve. But I do not think so. I did nothing wrong. I am a good mother. I have been more than accommodating for my son’s father to be a father. But there comes a time when you just have to send that person out into the desert. It does not mean that I wish him harm. It just means that they cannot be in the way because God is trying to make space for something better.
Some people may not agree with what I am saying. But they have not been through what I have been through. Tried what I tried.
I ask each and every one of you to determine who is keeping you from your future. Who is that person that you keep opening the door to when in fact it needs to be shut, locked, and never be reopened again? Who is God trying to tell you to get rid of?
If you are confused about who, you can see it through their actions. If you know for a fact that you have tried and tried with this person, but they are still causing you pain. This means God is saying
You could be holding yourself up from what you really desire, by hanging on to the past.