Monday, December 1, 2014

You Can't Make Him Love You

I am a huge fan of reality shows, more so because I like to look at the nature of people.  This is not going to be a blog about reality shows, but rather how when viewing other people’s relationships you can see how the roles of men have certainly changed.

I was watching 90 day fiance.  And a couple really stuck my attention.  Just to give you a brief overview, a woman found a man from another country.  She spend massive amounts of money on him which has put her into debt.  The presenting problems of their relationships is now that he is in America, she has come clean about her financial issues to him.  The woman revealed that she did not want to come clean before because she felt that if she told him the truth then he would leave and not want to marry her.  In the recent episode she was laid off from her job and the man stated that would have to reflect on if he would marry her or not because she was already in financial ruin and now she has lost her job which would put them more in financial ruin.

I am going to make some points regarding their relationships that I feel we all can take away.

First, a women should not be going bankrupt over a man.  If he is not helping you financially then he is not a man and he will not make a good husband.  This behavior will continue once married.

The Bible states

"If a man does not choose to work, neither shall he eat."  2 Thessalonians 3:10

Second, if you are worried that if you tell a man the truth about your situation they will leave, then this does not signify love.  It says that they are basing the fact that they love you on if you can offer them something or not.

Third, if a man is willing to leave you when things get hard this should tell you something.  Marriage is not easy and will have ups and down.  When martial vows say “for better or for worse” or “richer or poorer” this should be taken to heart.  If you are in are going to marry someone, you must be prepared to stay with someone through the hard times.

I want to say that if you are not stable financially then you should not be getting married.  But if you really love someone then you should seek be in a good place and work on it together before you get married.  In this case, the woman was trying and trying to provide for their lifestyle and the man was not doing anything significant.

I hate to sound old school but I cannot subscribe to the idea of men just sitting there doing nothing sucking up all the income of the household.  And when all the money is gone there are ready to leave.  What type of mess is this?

I wrote a blog (see here) on men understanding the value on women.  There I used the metaphor of a women being worth more than rubies (Proverbs 3:15).  When you think about the idea of an engagement ring, it is a ring to symbolize that a man wants to marry you.  Men typically work really hard in order to afford the ring that they feel their fiance deserves.  This is because real men want to tell the world that this woman is their women, by the ring.  So that when their women is out and about, the ring can serve as a representation of him. Real men work hard to get the rings that their woman wants because when other men see it, they will know that this woman is taken and how good her man is because of how hard he must have worked to get her that ring.

No real men that had worked so hard for something so beautiful such as an engagement ring, and then once they get it will abuse it throw it down in the dirt and stomp on it.  This is because the ring has value.  It is something that he has worked so hard for in order to prove his love to his woman and he wants it to be as perfect as possible.

So why women if you are a gem, are you allowing men to thrown you in the dirt and hurt you?  I think he says that he does not value you at all if he is willing to treat you, his gem, any type of way?

The Bible teaches

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5: 25-27

I often reflected what this means.

But I think it is like the idea of a women being a gem.  To take care of a gem a man should want to keep it clean, take care of it, and keep it in its best condition so that he like the engagement ring it can be a representative of him.  He should want his wife to be an extension of him.  And if he would not hurt or harm himself, then why would he do this to his wife or future wife.

The Bible says

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body” Ephesians 5: 28-29

Even if you are dating, you can tell how serious a man is about you based on how they treat you.  Do they treat you like a gem? Or like a pebble in the dirt that he throws around and has blatant disregard for?  If the answer is the pebble, then please know that this will not change once you get married.

How a man treats you before marriage is a good indicator on how he feels about you and how he will treat you after marriage.  You cannot buy a man, make him love you, or try to convince him to treat you better.  If as a man he does not want to do these things, then he just isn't a real man.  Or at least he is not your man.

It is better for women to recognize what attributes to look for in a man as oppose to just going for any man in hope to make it work.  So many people are trapped in marriage where men treat them like crap.

I once dated a man and had a God sent dream about him, literally.  The dream was that we were married and him and I were at home.  I recall to this day that in the dream he treated me awful.  I remember thinking that now that the wedding is over I am stuck with this man forever, and the thought of that was terrible.  In the real world he treated me like crap and I felt like I overtime could change his mind.  So many people get caught up in the idea of the weeding that they never think what it would be like after.  This is how my dream was.  I remembering in my dream that now that the wedding is over, life with this man is forever and is terrible.  Because he treated me terrible.

After this dream I quickly got out of this relationships and moved on.  Women must learn to recognize the good man and the bad men.  And see the signs as to when they need to let go or not even get into a relationship altogether.  This poor women on the reality show, need to know that God is doing her a favor.  He is showing her who this man really is before they get married.  She can choose to listen or stay in which would lead her into a life of the same type of behavior.  Just because you can get a man to marry you, does not mean he is going to change.